Wednesday, 09 March 2011
VENICE, ITALY - Catholics around the world are up in arms after the fecal waste of soon-to-be Bishop Giuseppi Pellegrini's 13 month old Yorkshire Terrier was tested, and turned out to be composed of "73% the body of christ," according to the official report filed by the Venetian Veterinary Vanguard, or VVV.
Pellegrini, who just a few weeks ago was appointed to be the Bishop of Concordia-Pordenone after serving for nearly 32 years as a Priest of Verona, decided to take his Yorkie, named Sebastian, to the vet after the dog had recently began acting out. Apparently, Sebastian was starting to hump any dog he passed that was less than half his age and also a male.
Mr. Pellegrini said this caused him to become rather concerned over what was wrong with his dog that was making him behave in such a morally unsound way. "I feared the worst. I thought an exorcism may have been needed," remarked the concerned pooch parent.
The medical experts at the Venician Veterinary Vanguard decided, after several inconclusive blood tests, that an examination of Sebastian's stool may tell them more about the cause of his dire condition.
According to the lab's report, Sebastian's feces was made up of 73% the body of Christ, 9% Purina Puppy Chow dog food, 6% dental floss, 4% squirrel fur, 4% Hot Tamales candies, 3% cocaine powder, .5% human semen, and .5% "other."
Astoundingly, this makes Sebastian's crap more edible than the mush that Taco Bell calls "beef."
These findings have been called "extremely serious" by authorities of the Catholic church. For one, Sebastian had not yet been baptized. (The baptism was set to occur exactly one week from the day he was taken to the vet). As we all know, non-Baptized dogs are strictly forbidden by the Holy Document of Vatican Law from participating in Communion.
Also, Sebastian had committed a homosexual act, considered a "mortal sin" (meaning, "any sin whose matter is grave and has been committed willfully and with knowledge of its seriousness," also including sex outside of marriage and "deliberately engaging in impure thoughts.") Catholic law mandates that one MUST have made a good confession since his/her last mortal sin to engage in the Holy Communion.
Catholic officials also explained that, though they are not positive, they suspect that Sebastian was not in a "state of grace" when he decided to eat Jesus' body, and find it doubtful that he adhered to the required observation of the Eucharist Fast (for one hour before receiving the body of Christ).
Giuseppi Pellegrini told Mancouch that he plans on appealing the decision. As of now his Ordainment as Bishop of Concordia-Pordenone will occur at the end of the month, as originally scheduled. But Catholics everywhere will want to pay close attention to how the Church chooses to handle Mr. Pellegrini's heretic hound. A number of penalties have been suggested to this point, including lashings, stoning, lynching, burning at the stake, and - of course - crucifixion.