Tuesday, 01 March 2011

• A Heads-Up to Single Dudes

  
  
  About a year before I met my wife, my brother-in-law gave me some sound advice which I would like to pass on today. Being married is great, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but there is one thing you may want to make a note of.

  Your are signing up to become a glorified household appliance.

  It isn't a huge deal, but I've had this discussion with several men and they all agree. Once you meet the woman of your dreams and decide to "tie the knot", you will transform into a one touch super home appliance. It won't be written into your wedding vows, but I recommend you accept it as fact. 
  
  You will become a jar opener.
  Before Andi and I were married she always carried pickles in her refrigerator. Other than in the summers, we didn't live together, but somehow she managed to open the jar. After getting married, women become physically unable to open jars. She still loves pickles, but is now unable to have them without going through me. Andi has no problem pulling around a thousand pound horse, or milking cows, but jars are impossible to open.
  
  You will become a reacher.
  After marriage the step stool becomes obselete. Everybody has heard a woman say she refuses to be involved with any shorter than her. This is her natural instinct. Your value as a man decreases if you can't reach the top shelf.
  
  You will become a pet cleaner.
  If your dog ever shits or vomits in your house, be prepared to clean it. This is one of the smellier jobs out there and your wife will throw a fit if she has to do this. There is a silver lining, though. Cleaning up your dogs mess means you probaly won't have to cook, or do dishes for at least the next day.
  
  You will become a pest controller.
  If you're afraid of snakes, bats, or spiders, you may want to get over it. As tough as my wife is, she can't handle anything creepy. Just try not to be a pussy about this one.
  
  You will become bubble wrap.
  Have you ever popped bubble wrap just for fun?  She's going to start popping things on you. You can get zits on your back that aren't even there. It would be easier and much less painful for you to do on your own, but she will want to do it. It's hard to avoid getting things popped.  Luckily it won't last too long.
  
  You will become furniture.
  Your days of sitting comfortably on a couch will come to an end. She will rearrange you into something she can either lay on, and sit on.  You'll be a pillow, a chair and a footrest all in one.
  
  Overall, it's not so bad being an appliance, but I figured you may want to know.  Just remember that you can barter your services for sexual favors! Legalized prostitution FTW.

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