Sunday, 20 February 2011
We at Mancouch were recently granted the privilege to sit down with the dark ruler of the Underworld himself, at his studio apartment in Center City Philadelphia. Upon being greeted with warm tea and some delectable buttery croissants, we sat down to discuss everything from movies to politics to Satan's love life.
(This interview is brought to you exclusively by the Walt Disney Company.)
It's been a while since the world has heard from you, Satan. What have you done to keep busy these past few millennia?
Well, you know, I thought I'd step out of the limelight for a bit, take some "me" time. Constantly finding yourself diametrically opposed to God can become terribly exhausting. I traveled for a bit, very much enjoyed Europe from the Dark Ages up until the 1950's, until it became terribly boring. After that I spent some time in Texas, but I found that there wasn't really much work for ol' Satan. I mean, they already send the mentally retarded to death row; I wish I'd thought of that.
So now I've settled in Philly. A wonderful city, and some of the greatest sports fans you'll ever meet!
I also have taken up golf, though my short game is really sub par - ha! look at me, a golf pun - so I'm thinking about taking some lessons. I just find it so relaxing; it's a great way to get out for some quality guy time. It was really tough for me to leave the house when I was married, but since my divorce in 1929 I've been getting out plenty, just me and the guys.
Well, like anyone I enjoyed it for the first few decades. I partied really hard, and had some great times, but I eventually hit rock bottom. Sometime around Kennedy's election. I then made a pledge to myself that I'd never use drugs again - well, except alcohol (I love a good chocolatini) - and I've been doing great since then. In fact, you could say the Kennedy assassination and Johnson presidency were my "come back." Watch out world, evil is here to stay!
In terms of the dating game, it's been tough. I was with my last wife for over 300 years, and when you're with someone that long you really forget how to approach, talk to, and court women. I've been working on getting my confidence back; I'm reading tons of "self-help" books, and I watch Dr. Phil and Maury every day. I think I just need to be patient and wait for the right woman to come along. I'll know when it feels right.
Sure, sure. Why force it when it doesn't feel right?
That's what she said! *Chuckles.* Sorry I couldn't resist.
Nice one! What does the Devil find himself reading these days?
Well, I'm trying to get through all of Ayn Rand's work, but there not the easiest books to read. I must admit, the Twilight series is my guilty pleasure, and I'm constantly finding myself re-reading them when I should be trying to finish The Fountainhead.
Ayn Rand? So, you consider yourself politically-minded?
Well, as everybody says, politics really do suck. It seems like every time I turn on the news all I hear is negativity and verbal attacks. No one has anything positive to say! That's why I really prefer Glenn Beck's program. I admire the way he's able to transcend it all: all the bullshit, word games, and facts that make the rest of the news out there so inaccessible to the average citizen.
Who do you consider to be your favorite American President?
Oh, definitely Nixon. I found it very impressive that he managed to get done what he had to get done and he let nothing get in his way. As I mentioned before, I started my comeback at the outset of LBJ's presidency, so by 1968, when Nixon was elected, yours truly was back on top of my game; drug free for nearly five years! (That was also the year MLK and Bobby Kennedy were killed). Of course, I did suffer a relapse shortly after, I was partying hard at the World Cup in West Germany, and that's when Watergate was exposed. A real shame, it was. That man was a straight-shooter, who was just trying to sabotage the enemy because he knew how evil they were. What's wrong with that?
I'm also fond of the work LBJ, Reagan, and the second Bush accomplished. The first Bush, Carter, and Eisenhower, though: nothing but a bunch of pussies!
Great. Now, moving on, what did you think of the Super Bowl?
I am a huge fan of Ben Roethlisberger, so I really hoped Pittsburgh would pull it off. But to be honest, I don't pay too much attention to sports. I just watch for the commercials and a chance to kick back with some wings, pizza, and of course Captain and Cola, "always a good choice."
Any movies coming out that you can't wait to see?
Well, I've been awaiting Mel Gibson's next film since I first heard rumors about it. It's called The Beaver, and it also features Jodie Foster as director and Mel's co-star. I really admire all of Mel's work, and in fact, we've grown quite close over the year. Can you guess who he was hanging with at the bar just before his DUI back in '06?
Wow, who knew that being the ruler of all that is evil in the world would get you close to so many celebrities? Who else do you hang out with regularly?
Well, I don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn or anything. But, I hang with tons of celebrities regularly. Just last night I threw a party here in my studio, which explains the Franzia White Zinfandel boxes and empty Malibu bottles all over the place. Charlie Sheen, the Olson twins, Tom Cruise, and Rupert Murdoch stopped by, just to name a few. The theme was "what I want to be when I grow up." The really crazy thing, though, was that Rupert and I dressed up as each other. Totally unplanned! Hollywood's hottest new couple Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez, also stopped by. And Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck came together; they've apparently been dating for a few months. But you didn't hear that from me!
Don't worry, Satan, our lips are sealed. Now tell us, are the rumors true? Do you really wear Prada?
Now and then, yes, but I much prefer Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Oh, and I just LOVE Marc Jacobs!
Okay, so one last question for you: Will you continue to watch The Office after Steve Carell leaves?
Oh, absolutely! I watch that show mostly for the love story between Jim and Pam. I was so happy when he finally proposed! I think I may have even shed a tear or two. I'm excited to see what new turns their relationship might take in the seasons to come.
Aren't we all. Well, Satan, it has been a pleasure. Thanks so much for having us, and good luck in all your future endeavors of evil and deception.
The pleasure was all mine. I'm glad to know people out there still think about me; I may be old, divorced, and depressed, but I still have tons of work to do, and I still know how to party! In fact, why don't you all come back this Thursday night for The Office? We'll whip up a few Pink Ladies, or maybe some Skinny Girl Martinis, and order some Sushi or something?
Not sure we can make it this week; we have an interview with the woman who played Stifler's Mom, or "the MILF," in the American Pie movies. But thanks for the invite. We'll have to do it some other time.
Absolutely. The Devil's door is always open, you know.