Monday, 31 January 2011
Recently I got a text message from a friend that said, "I've been farting very loudly in public recently. I don't care. Is that bad??" This question opened my eyes to all the times I've encountered farts in society, silent or loud, disgusting or not. And just so you know, each person farts roughly 14 times a day... so suck on that as you read this!
The only socially acceptable loud fart seems to be one that occurs while standing at a bathroom urinal. An often unspoken element of urinal life regards the farts that mysteriously shoot out of the man nearby. Picture this: a stranger begins to use the urinal next to you. He pees for a second, then makes a very loud, very wet sounding fart. Noone says anything. Ever.
Although "the farter" is not in a stall taking a shit, the fact that he is amongst shit somehow makes this fart okay. The argument, "Well, we're in the bathroom where do you expect me to fart?" remains valid. Noone so much as giggles when the stranger farts next to them, because in a strange way it seems appropriate. It seems only natural for one to fart while peeing.
While a loud fart is considered the master of comedic timing, the silent fart is the spoiler of all jokes. Most people in public find themselves farting silently, then "crop dusting" or "snailing" their cloud of putrid air. Remember when the Titanic sucked everyone down into the ocean? The "crop dust" operates under the same principle except the human body's mass sucks the fart-air along with it.
Sometimes it is relatively easy to smell a fart when out in the world, while other times it can be confused with garbage/sewer/eggs. One time I was on a bus and this old woman got on eating an egg salad bagel. Later, when the farts started rolling in, I knew who to silently blame. If the fart is silent I say do it at your own risk.
The majority of the time, your silent fart will only be mildly offensive. Usually nothing too potent. However, there are times when you can't believe that something so terrible came from your body. Everybody farts, and since there are so many people in the world chances are you've walked straight through it dozens of times.
On another note: Don't you wish farts came out like a green or purple vapor? That would be cool, right? Being able to see who farted all the time would probably make us more comfortable with it.
So next time you're out there, be a part of your community and let one loose. Loud or not, it's all good in the hood.
Have you ever farted in public, or taken issue with it? Guys, ever experience the urinal thing?