Saturday, 29 January 2011

  • The Worst Celebrity Wax Figures Ever Created


    These have been around for a while, but some are still being auctioned off for a few thousand dollars if you feel like making your house creepy or you have a fetish to satisfy. Like the Predator-meets-Planet-of-the-Apes version of Whoopi Goldberg above, some of these may burn your eyes even if you've taken preventative measures and are wearing goggles. That is correct, the goggles will do nothing. 

    Tiger Woods:


    Tiger's take on an anorexic giraffe proves that evolution doesn't always work as you plan. If Dave Chappelle could breed with zoo animals, this is the result provided that the animal in question is a giraffe and that it was punched repeatedly during pregnancy as well as injected with heroin on a daily basis. Maybe mix in some Aunt Jemima as well.


    Leonardo DiCaprio:


    He looks like a flamboyant, overweight, current-day Steven Seagal with a shitty fashion sense and hives.


    Michael Jordan:


    They've defaced my childhood idol and made him look like a cancerous burn victim.


    Mr. T:


    This looks like a white man trying his darndest to be as cool as Mr. T and failing horribly as in a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong. This might be passable as a half-assed Halloween costume, but as it stands, I've seen better body-painted "pale as snow" white men pretending to be black. It's also missing the Jewelry, which is a crime.


    Antonio Banderas as Zorro:


    Everything about this wax figure is just wrong. This has to be a new concept for a "Hamburglar" outfit. The only other possible explanation is LSD.


    Lawrence Fishburne as Morpheus:


    I somehow missed the homoerotic, "Twilightified" version of The Matrix where you were actually plugged in through the anus and Trinity was a drag queen.


    Bill Cosby:


    I imagine this is what he looks like after going on a JELL-O binge and watching too many Candyman movies. He could pass as a pedophile as well, I guess. Can you envision waking up to this thing in the middle of the night?


    Elton John:


    I couldn't find the proper words to describe this one, so we'll just call it "Dyke in Black and White" or something to that effect. I think it's catchy.


    Denzel Washington:


    This is what he would look like in an alternate universe where he's actually Robert Downey Jr's Hispanic brother from another mother.


    Bruce Willis:


    Anyone who thought he was big-headed is clearly wrong. Or maybe he was juicing up while aspiring to look like the Goombas from the old Super Mario Bros. movie.

    Bruce Springsteen:


    The Boss, if he were a clinically retarded Jason Biggs look-alike on Valium, with really large pants and/or no feet.

    Beetlejuice:


    I wasn't aware that there was a version of the movie which featured Adam Carolla in this very role. Actually, that's not accurate. It's Adam Carolla's color-blind version of Ronald McDonald covered in 5-day-old Budweiser hangover bile.

    Hulk Hogan of Wrestling Fame:


    If Zombieland were ever to become a reality, this is what you can expect Hogan to look like. This is a dead ringer for Hulk "Zombie" Hogan. On top of that, it kind of looks like he sunbathed in shit at the Jersey Shore with Snooki and company.

    Elaine from Seinfeld:

    She looks like a diseased chipmunk plotting to rip the nuts right out of your cargo pants. The hair looks like it was scalped off of an unwashed Metalhead and arranged in the most unflattering way possible, as if to emulate rotting seaweed to make her troll face appear to be a notch above "vomitrocious."

    So, which of these wax figures would you plant in your home?

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