Thursday, 13 January 2011

• Miley Cyrus Awarded, then Stripped of, Senior Superlative

  
  
  HOLLYWOOD, CA-It was reported earlier today that America's sweetheart Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, has been stripped of a Senior superlative, after school administrators realized that she had received failing grades in both her music theory and choir electives during her freshman year at Hollywood High School in Los Angeles, California.

  Cyrus' peers had determined through a meticulous election process that she was "most likely to give birth to a crack-addicted baby," and was a runner-up for "most likely to become famous," and "most likely to be successful."  Fellow student Dakota Friedman explained Cyrus' reaction when the news first broke. 

  "Miley was, like, super excited to win a superlative.  I mean, we all know that you're nobody if you don't win a superlative at Hollywood High.  Like, if I hadn't received 'sluttiest tattoo', how would I ever have a chance at making it in the porn industry?  This was Miley's last step in conquering America, and now we all know that Miley will go on to do great things, following in the footsteps of those who have come before her."

  However, Cyrus' thrill would be short lived, as Principal James Butkus would soon overrule the selection.  The decision was made after an efficiency expert advised the school to utilize a marketing consultant, who gave the name of a public affairs authority, who hired a private investigator to conduct an extensive investigation into the academic and legal backgrounds of all superlative winners.  After the news of Cyrus' troubled academic record reached Principal Butkus' desk just a few hours later, he and the public affairs expert together decided that Hollywood High needed to live up to its image of academic integrity and excellence.

  Photography teacher and academic adviser to the Yearbook Club, Ms. Celia Aberdeen, was devastated by the news.  "We have plenty of girls who can step up to the plate, I'm sure, and fill the void of 'most likely to give birth to a crack-addicted baby,' but Miley won this award, fair and square.  She earned it.  And her peers chose her!  For her picture not appear in the yearbook under 'most likely to give birth to a crack-addicted baby...what does that say about the Democratic process?!"

  Abderdeen continued, "And not to mention what having someone like Miley Cyrus' picture in the superlative section would do for future yearbook readership, participation, and sales figures!"

  Senior Lindsay Schwartz, whose term as president of the yearbook club will expire in 2012, told anxious reporters that a new recipient had been selected, but "will not be disclosed for some time, in the interest of avoiding hair-pulling, slapping, verbal abuse, or students trying to outdo each other in crack cocaine consumption."

  Though Cyrus was not available for questioning, representatives of the starlet informed the media that she plans on appealing the decision, news that many are speculating will force the school to bring in a legal consultant.  No word yet from the efficiency expert on where that will fit into the Hollywood School District's budget.

  Cyrus' people also consoled supporters who were worried about this news hindering her future, specifically her plan to attending community college for two years (to save money before transferring to a four-year university).  "Miley will retake the necessary classes over the summer, so that she can begin her higher education at Los Angeles City College without incident next fall."

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