Celebrating New Years Eve Like A Champ

Saturday, 01 January 2011

Celebrating New Years Eve Like A Champ
Here is how I celebrated New Years Eve last night:

6am-Noon: Work at the grocery store.

Noon-12:20: Pick up liquor.

12:30: Show over-enthusiastically my parents, whom I still live with, my awsome liquor purchases.

1:00: Realize I don't have plans.

1:01: Realize I don't have friends.

1:02: Realize my handicaped three legged cat, Tripod, is my only friend.

1:03: Open that bottle of vodka.

1:06: Finally drink a shot because the stupid cap was being difficult.

2:00: Begin watching the ND/Miami FB game.

2:30: Realize this game sucks because Miami sucks and ND is a blowhard.

3:00: Realize in my eagerness to drink the vodka forgot to put it in the freezer, "FUCK!" Drink two shots out of anger and eat some meatballs.

301-441: Surf around Xanga reading blogs and shit, while drinking a drink, feeling like a bad ass.

442: Realize I still have my work shirt on.

443: Realize I'm not writing the time with the colon anymore. Vodka is doing its job.

444-Whenever : Text people I don't like.

500-830: Watch Nip/tuck Season 2 episodes on netflix. Why? Because that show fucking shakes the bed of awsome. Consume 3 drinks. Watch mom make a Rum cake with too much little kid like anticipation, "You use a cup of rum?! Is that legal?"

830: Realize I haven't opened another bottle of awsome liquors, I should get on that.

900: Receive texts from people I don't like wanting to know if I have plans to attend their party? "Why?" I ask
"Because it'd be fun!"
"Why?" I ask
"Because you can mix drinks for us!"
"Why?"
"Because you rock and you love me."
"Are you going to suck my dick then?"
"Maybe."
"Are you going to buy the liquor then?"
"No."
"Then no."

924 : Have a hankoring (how do you spell that?) for pineapple and ranch pizza. Call Little Ceasars, "It'll be 2 hours."
"But I want it now."
"Then you should have called 2 hours ago."
"But I didn't want pizza then, I was watching Nip/Tuck in my PJs bitch, give me pizza or give me death!"
He hung up on me.

930-1000 : Call local pizza joints and have the same conversation.

1015-1030: Figure out how I'm going to hang myself because I don't have pizza.

1059: Realize I have a frozen pizza in the freezer.

1100 : Have no pizza pans. Fuck I want a pizza before the new year, what a bitch.

1112 : Text my FWB wanting a booty call, learning that even hookers have plans on NYE.

1115 : My parents are in bed, my three legged pussy cat is literally sleeping on my pillow with a dingleberry stinking out of his crack. "Have a nother bottle of vodka somewhere around here, don't I? Wow that sounded like Yoda, I am! haha or is it ahah, matter does it, or don't it? Wouldn't the question mark go before the sentence, I should find some porn online, that'd be the perfect way to ring in the new year.

1117 Get tired of looking for porn, its not pizza.

1130 CNN Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin is on. She's a hot bitch :::takes a drink out of the bottle of Belvedere::: "I want her body" :::another sip::: "I think her mom and Ellen Degeneres's mom look like sisters :::sip::: "omg cougar threesome with Kathy Griffin's mom and Ellen Degenere's mom!" :::another sip::: "I ordered a pizza like three hours ago shouldn't it have been here by now?" :::sip::: "is this water, those fuckers put water in my Belvedere!"

1150 Im not and not physically hot, I'm sweating, my tummy hurts. I want soup. Mushroom soup, with Pineapple!! That would make my year

1151 omg I have to finish this bottle of Belevedere before the new year.

1153 I don't think I can finish this bottle of Belvedere before I throw up.

1155 yea I was right

1156 I'll make a Propel Grey Goose cocktail! I have four minutes I can do it.

1157 : I don't have anyone to kiss do I? Fuck this sucks. I can't kiss anyone on Xanga can I? Its like a virtual mistletoe. Why do they call it mistleTOE, not mistleFINGER or mistlePUSSY?! Sounds like a Bond villian.

1158 : Is Anderson Cooper a tranny? Anyways, I still don't have pizza or a hooker to kiss. I should go streaking again this year, but since its so warm, cops will be out, lord knows I can't get arrested again on a new years eve for streaking. They are just jealous. I think that DAN guy posed the question that multiple the length of the thumb by 2.5 and its the length of your dick. Running around my chest got red from the dick slaps.

1159 : I'm sad, I'm depressed :::sips::: "I need a hug Grey Goose, won't you hug me?" :::sips::: "You won't?" :::sips::: "Doesn't make sense because I'm french kissing you right now." :::sips:::

1201 : What the fuck man!! Why didn't someone warn me?! There should really be a countdown or something, its a momentous occasion.

249am : what am I doing in jail wearing a rubber ducky float?

Whether or not this is a fictional account of what I did last night is to be determined by you. But trust me, its hard to smuggle a digital camera into jail... ;)

URL: http://thumper49047.xanga.com/738241013/my-itinerary-for-new-years-eve/

How did you spend your New Years Eve?