Thursday, 23 December 2010

• The Worst Knockoffs Ever

  
  After having a conversation with my good friend about the counterfeit clothing and bags sold in various parts of NYC, I remembered that along with the more realistic looking items, came horribly obvious clones. I don't know who they're trying to fool with some of these names, but for the sake of my sanity, I sometimes assume that it's done in jest. Before I run off to start Mansofa and Matingish, I'm going to get my creativity going with some fine examples in human achievement. 

  Robocop as Robert Cop
  

  
  They weren't even trying with this one. The cool thing about Robocop is that he's a robot -and- a cop. How awesome is that? Once you remove a major aspect of the character from the name, you're stuck with a cop... named Robert. Who the fuck is Robert Cop? In an effort to track down this impostor, I retreated to my room and logged on to my criminal database, also known as Google Image Search. Lo and behold, I'm greeted to what looks like a sleaze with a badge. Looks can be deceiving, right? Wrong. This dumb looking, bacon smelling shit-eater has been in heat more than once before.
  
  

   

  Oh, you have to hear this. Robert Cop once detained a family for 13 minutes to write up a traffic ticket, brushing off the fact that they were in a hurry to see their dying mother before she passed. Well, she died before they were able to get there. Surprise! He was unjustly exercising his authority and giving Robocop a bad name both literally and figuratively. I'd like to see Robert Cop attempt to last a day in a dystopian Detroit, Michigan. Well, that's actually not too far off from what Detroit is like nowadays.

  i.Beat Organix as i.Beat Blaxx
  

  
  Not necessarily a knockoff, but the name itself was ridiculous enough to warrant post. In what's sure to be Stormfront.org's MP3 player of choice, you can listen to classics such as "White Christmas" while gathering around to eat crackers with your newfound white nationalist friends by the fireplace. The offspring of Hollywood celebrities usually have more tactful names, and that's saying quite a bit.

  Star Wars as Star Wars: Science Fiction Perform Distinctive
  

  
  Ahnold is on the cover. Nothing else should be said except that this would have made for a hell of a better movie.

  Oppo as Poop
  

  
  Love & Poop. Two words that should never be used together, yet here they are- printed on the same phone. Unless it's water-proof and specifically designed to facilitate emergency phone calls (if you know what I mean), I'm going to have to keep it on my shit-list. Now that I think about it, there's probably a market for a similar device. How many times have you secretly pooped on the phone while talking to your significant other about how much you love them and how you wish you were on top of them at that very moment?

  If only they knew the inner-workings of your sick, twisted mind.

  Johnnie Walker Red Label as Johnnie Worker Red Labial
  

  
  Do women ever put lipstick on their labia? I could make a case for this Johnnie Worker guy if it's being done, because making out with the labia can lead to good times, especially when you mix in a bit of alcohol. Maybe I have this whole thing wrong, and Johnnie Worker is actually a woman with heavy flow, mixing drinks for the sexual vampire in all of us. Regardless, it remains ridiculous and sexy, possibly a little Bloody Mary.

  Adidas as Abibas
  

  
  All Day I Dream About Sports. All Bitches I Buttfuck are Swedish. I'm not sure which the majority would prefer, but those are some ugly fucking sneakers. Jesus Christ. They look like they were made out of glued-on paper cups at an amateur workshop. I'm not a huge fan of Adidas sneakers personally, but these are just borderline offensive. If it weren't a knockoff, I'd consider starting my own line of potentially successful roadkill skunk boots.
  
  Sony Playstation as Nintendo Polystation... by Namco?
  
  
  Does this mean I finally get to experience Nintendo games in HD without needing an emulator? Well, not quite. In fact, I don't even know what's in that ass-backwards box. DIGITAL STEREO and "programs inside" don't really clue me in on much. I highly doubt you're getting a legitimate Sony Playstation system and controller as pictured. The most likely scenario is you'll be getting one of those cheap controllers that plug into your TV with a bunch of shitty mini-games and Mario clones. WAIT, I GET IT. It's called Polystation because that's where they'll be going for copyright infringement!
  
  Have you ever come across any other ridiculous knockoffs?
  
  

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