Friday, 10 December 2010

• Antoine Dodson (The Bed Intruder Guy) Is My New Neighbor

  

  Sure, I thought the video was funny. I mean, what's not to like? If there's one good thing about the Internet, it allows people to socially crucify themselves in ways never before imagined. People make choices, opportunities knock. Some people make wise choices for themselves, some people correctly respond to what's been offered them. Those who don't...well, they don't. And when I sat in my leather chair in my office with a view, I contemplated how perfectly Antoine and I personified those instances. I listened to the Autotune the News song and smiled at the thought of how shortly after having the world laugh at this lunatic, they would quickly forget him forever. Worldwide ridicule, and then oblivion. I thought it was fitting.

  Unfortunately for me, I later learned that I would have more trouble forgetting this man than others. It was reported shortly thereafter that Antoine was earning 50% profit from the song on iTunes, and was moving out of the projects with his family. What I didn't know was that he had found a home right next door to me. 

   

   

  I don't remember much of the day he moved in. There was the moving van, and a young couple carrying various colorful items into the house. I could make out a couple of lava lamps and a bead curtain. But that night I remember clearly.

  The first of the cars pulled in at 9:23 P.M. Within an hour and a half, there were no less than 20 Geo Metros, Honda Civics, and Ford Tauruses littered around the area. A Lincoln Navigator with sticker flames had parked diagonally in my driveway, blocking both mine and my wife's cars. Shortly thereafter, the music started. It was loud, it was obnoxious, and it was all the different remixes of his interview. There were also a couple particularly abrasive songs that sounded like Antoine himself singing.

  I didn't know who it was at first, I thought someone's parents weren't home and a frat party had ensued. I went over there to ask them to turn it down, or at least destroy their subwoofer, when Antoine himself answered the door. "Hey man, are you from next door?" he slurred. His eyes weren't exactly focusing and I suspected the Jag bomb in his hand might have had something to do with it. "Yes, I am," I replied. "I'm Hu-"

  "Oh, hold up a minute. You gotta see this," he interrupted. He grabbed my arm and led me into his house, where a number of 20-30 year-olds and a handful of teenagers were gyrating to the Autotuned remix of Antoine for the umpteenth time. "Have you heard this? It's me, homie, on TV. This video right here bought me this pad." He brushed a lock of dry, straightened hair out of his face as he bent over his computer. Successfully accessing the video, he pointed at the screen and laughed. "Man, if I knew I was this funny, I wouldn't be here! I'd be drivin' around the country, makin' jokes all over the place! Is that really what I sound like?" I confirmed that indeed it was what he sounded like, and then returned to the point of my visit.

  "Turn down the music! It's 1 in the morning! And get that car out of my driveway!" I yelled over the noise.

  A shocked look came over his face. "Oh man, I'm so sorry! Yeah homes, I'm on it." He barked a command to one of his friends in the other room, who smiled, nodded, and kept dancing. "Yeah, he'll have it outta here in a bit. Don't you worry, man. Antoine's got yo back. Have a drink, stay awhile, neighbor!" With that, he bounded off to the living room to dance with his friends.

  I gave up and left. The next morning, my wife and I were both three hours late to work waiting for the owner of the Navigator to awaken from his drunken slumber and move it.

  Oh YouTube, oh iTunes, what have I done to deserve this from you? It's ironic to me that the people that this community is gated to prevent from entering can simply make an internet video and purchase property within. Until I can find a more fitting home in the next county, I'll be trying to get this Head Intruder out of my mind. 
  
  Do any of you happen to live in close proximity to internet legends?

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