Tuesday, 23 November 2010
1) Someone Texting~ This happens to all of us nowadays, you are walking behind someone at a steady rate and then all of the sudden their pace slows dramatically. They essentially shift their body into autopilot mode, moving one foot in front of the other without any concern for those around them. This is particularly bad when the texting person is also walking up a flight of stairs. They move at a tortoise like rate, and all you want to do is get out of the subway.
2) Anybody Smoking~ Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with smokers. I just think it sucks to be in the back draft of someone puffin on a Newport. A smoker standing still is perfectly fine, but when they crop dust their air poison it just plain sucks. If second hand smoke wasn't: A) worse than regular smoke and B) something that has already been inside a person, it wouldn't be that bad.
3) People Pulling One of Those Wheeled Suitcases~ Fuck these people. How lazy are you? We are on a city street, not an airplane terminal. Get a bag you can carry, or don't bring it with you. Period. The invention of the wheel was not supposed to make our lives miserable. A person pulling one of these bags seemingly has no concern for the amount of space they are occupying, or how to control a large moving object. I can't tell you how many times the person in front of me has stopped short and I have run into their bag. Have some respect.
4) People You've Already Said Goodbye To~ This is just awkward. You say goodbye to someone, maybe have a drawn out hug, and then all of the sudden you find you are walking in the same direction as them. Awkward. It's just uncomfortable. You feel obligated to strike up another conversation, and then have to say something like, "Okay, bye for real this time!" Talk about lame.
5) Tourists~ If you live in a big city, you know what I am talking about. There is nothing worse than a group of 10 Scandinavians linked arm and arm blocking up the sidewalk. Nothing is as painful as following newlyweds from Minneapolis taking pictures of the Empire State Building from an "artsy" angle. How about a Chinese couple shuffling while trying to figure out a subway map. Fuck that. We have all been tourists, but having to walk behind them really makes you not want to go anywhere.
6) Obese People~ Okay, this may seem mean but I do hate when I get stuck behind a really overweight walker. Not only are they slow but they take up a huge amount of space. It is not easy to find an opportune moment to merge around their waddle. Even those little scooter wheelchairs don't help on a crowded street.
7) Old People~ I respect my elders, but I have no choice but to blow past them on the street. Old guys with canes and women with osteoporosis are sweet and everything, but I got places to be. Their fragile bodies present a new challenge: not bumping into them. I don't wanna go around them and shatter them like glass making delicate merging a priority. This often slows me down even more you blasted old timers!
8) A Group of Drunks~ A group of shady drunk men always gives me the creeps. When the gang gets together who knows what type of drunken shit they are gonna start. You all know the feeling, you're walking behind drunk people and you fear they are gonna start some trouble. Fuck that shit. On the flip side, it is also annoying being behind loud, obnoxious drunk women. Maybe they are chanting Taylor Swift, or talking about some other MTV bullshit. You just want to scream, "SHUT UPPP!" but you can't.
9) Someone Wielding an Umbrella~ Especially when it is not raining, a person with an umbrella sucks. I dont think they realize that the rain runs off their umbrella and ON to others! People sometimes have MASSIVE umbrellas las if they took it from a patio or golf tournament, these are not necessary on a crowded street. In addition, most umbrellas have sharp, spiky things all around them and I always fear I will lose an eye. Buy a poncho asshole.
10) Readers~ That's right, readers. I've been stuck behind a guy walking and reading a novel. What an asshole. I'm all for multitasking but not at the expense of you walking like a slow jackass. It must be a pretty riveting work of fiction for you to be so antisocial that the mere thought of going from a A to B is too hard for you. The next time I see that I'm gonna spoil the ending for them.
Who'd I Miss?