Friday, 29 October 2010
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Gender Roles in Today's Relationships
I’m a traditionalist, an old-school guy. I like to approach most situations in a more old-fashioned way than most people, which has its pros and cons. But there’s no denying that gender roles no longer conform to the old standards.The generation of men working and earning money and women cooking and raising kids is gone. But is it gone completely?
The old Chinese proverb (which I actually think is a curse) “May you live in interesting times” proved true for our generation. Women go to work, have financial independence and climb the corporate ladder to executive positions, just like men. The phenomenon of “househusbands” has emerged and flipped the gender role on its head.
But some of the more traditional elements of relationships are still very much in play. Men are still expected to pick up the check on dates, hold doors for ladies, open jars, repair appliances around the house, etc. And women still must be maternal homemakers, even if it’s not to the same extent as the past.
I’m not saying that the tradition still holds in all cases, nor am I saying that it should. I think more equality in all aspects of a relationship is both healthy and necessary. “Woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!” doesn’t fly anymore, which is better for all involved.
But what should the balance be? How should gender roles be defined in a relationship, if they should be defined at all?
What do you think about gender roles in relationships?
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- From: NYOrangemen28
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Comments (19)
As modern a chick as I am I still do 99% of the cooking and cleaning. And my man still does 70% of the dinner paying and door holding. Our swapping of roles comes through my being the college smart one and the potentially significant difference in incomes. Some traditional is good mixed with modern.
@Cambios@xanga - I'm with you on this. Though it's kinda strange in my world, I'm back at home after finishing school and trying to sort stuff out. In the mean time, 90% of the stuff my mom asks anyone of either my dad, or the 4 sons running around to do, I endup doing. Simply because it's easier for me to fix the dishwasher, mow the lawn and put the framed photos up on the wall then for her or me to fight with the guys about it.
Personally I think it's great when a guy is happy and willing to take care of stuff like that, and I'd love for someone to take the trash out for me and open all the doors. But frankly too much of the time because I can do it then I get more the reaction from men, well you do it then I'm busy. Which I do and don't mind, but they also seem more willing to get me to just take care of my own stuff the more I can do.
That's my feeling on that one. If a guy wants me to sit back and let him do stuff, then he had better do it the first time 'cause other wise I'm gonna do it my self and it's no longer "his job" anymore if he ant gona do it.
My friend told me this concept that has helped me begin to understand women. Inside every woman, there's 2 women. The socially programmed woman, that's the one with all the roles/rules that society gives her. Then, there's the natural woman, the side with all the day dreams, fantasies, and the things she wouldn't even tell her best friends about, because she wants to keep this to herself. Normally, that side is hidden..but, it's always waiting to be awakened.
I think that men and women are now doing jobs that are associated with the opposite gender, but they are bringing their gender approach with them. A man can do household tasks in a manly way, and a woman can remain feminine at her office that she runs. I think a relationship works best when both can bring their dominant traits into play, and some of those dominant traits may not fit in with perceptions on how a gender should act.
I don't believe in gender roles, except when absolutely necessary. (such as, due to my being a woman, I am more likely to get raped if I walk home alone after dark, so in that case, if my hypothetical SO is a good boyfriend, he will either walk me home or call a taxi for me)
But all the non-extreme stuff just doesn't fly for me. I think both people should do the jobs they are better at. Like if I marry someone who is excellent with kids when I clearly am not, then he should spend more time with the kids than I should. But if he can't cook to save his life and I am a good cook, I should make more of the meals.
I also think that there are certain things we do in relationships simply because we care about our partners, not because we happen to be men or women. If I bake cookies for my love interest, it's because I know he likes them, not because I'm a woman and he's a man. If he makes a creep leave me alone (when the guy is just talking to me, not doing anything worse), it's not because I'm a woman and he's a man, it's because he cares about me and knows I don't want to deal with the creep.
I do realize that some of those little things mentioned earlier tend to be done more by women than by men, and vice versa. But I think it should be, "I'm doing this because you are my partner and I love you and want to make you happy" rather than "I'm doing this because I'm a woman and you're a man and that's what I'm supposed to do."
@coralcwayla@xanga - Absolutely. If my man wants to help me then I'm pretty happy but generally it'll get done faster and usually better if I do it myself.
I think sometimes we as women have gotten so caught up in handling things ourselves and taking charge that we forget to relax a little and let someone help. I do believe in the age old adage that you have to let a man feel needed...let him do open that pickle jar yada yada..lol butttttttttt i agree with Eccentric Siren..at the end of the day it should be about doing what you know makes your partner happy or eases stress at home...there is nothing sexier than coming home after a longg day at work to see a guy making dinner or cleaning up because he knew i'd come home too tired and he wanted to help me out. Little things like that go a long way.
Aren't we past all this? Equality isn't defined by a women doing masculine roles and men doing feminine roles. Equality isn't based on women finally doing the same things as men. Feminism is past this stage.
This debate is, dare I say, irrelevant? Or at least this mode of thinking about gender equality is outdated and ignorant.
@cswilik@xanga - Far from irrelevant. Think about any religious or political influence that is all around the world and how it influences societal composition. I do hope to see the world one day the way you have described.
PS. I wish I could only rephrase to just use the word ignorant. So many more come to mind :P
I don't see people as their genders for the most part, so I guess I can't really give you a solid answer.
I mean, we are who we are, right?Gender roles in relationships depend on the girl and guy in the relationship to define them for themselves. Some couples redefine the roles while others stick to traditional roles.
Men are still expected to pick up the checks on dates and do other traditional roles because most of the girls go on dates to eventually find a guy to settle down with. By picking up the check, it shows whether or not it's a date and if the guy is interested in getting to know the girl better as a gf potential. Unless the girl and guy is into random hookups, then that's another story.
Personally, the things that I do or SO do depends on who is better at doing what. So, if he happens to be more knowledgable in electronics, he fixes the appliances and goes buy the gadgets. I'm more organized so I organize all of his papers and bills. Although, sadly, there are some traditional things that won't get changed anytime soon...such as my SO will be the one walking me home at night instead of me walking alone b/c the chance of a man raping me is still possible.
If I demand a sammich, I had damned well better get a sammich.
Imma jump in here and say that "gender" roles are bad....
But that every relationship has certain needs, and those needs will be fulfilled by either partner as necessary, depending on the relationship.
All of you "traditionalists" can go live by your societal script depending on if you're born with a penis or a vagina.
Just don't be hypocritical when you want all of the advantages and none of the disadvantages due to gender roles.
i think gender roles are pointless. a woman will always be a woman, and a man will always be a man. they don't need to be defined. there are so many things that either sex is capable of accomplishing regardless of their gender, that it is ridiculous to lay out specific roles and expect people to comply.
the so-called gender roles for men (as described in the post) seem to have this oft forgotten aspect of chivalry, which in all senses of the word, is being noble. if we think of it as such, then it's easier to see that women and men alike can be chivalrous, and it really has nothing to do with gender. so to everyone who still thinks that men are the only ones holding doors open for others, or the only ones paying the bill on a date; or that women alone prepare dinner and do laundry and clean house, please shut up.
I still want boys to be gentlemen. My boyfriend's mom did a TERRIBLE job of raising him to be one though. It's disgusting to me the way he doesn't ever open doors for me, pay for me, or hold my things. I know he doesn't mean to be an asshole, he just generally way never raised to do these things that I think all boys should do. I'm all for equality, but I still want my man to make me feel like a lady sometimes.
Ugh, typing this out makes me feel like I need a new boyfriend.
secretly im still upset at yuo for NEVER opening the car door for me. Its been 3 years since you started driving.
And yes I do expect it because it's been programmed into me.
huh
I told myself I would never be one of those old-fashioned women. I was going to stay single until I was 28, and I was going to be independent until I died.
Well, I guess I'm still pretty freaking independent, but technically speaking I am my husband's dependent.
But then I fell in love, and things just sort of fell into place they way they are.
And it turns out I LIKE being a stay at home wife. It's great.