Many of us have been there before, that bittersweet moment at the end of a relationship where you know it's over and there's basically nothing that can be done to save it. So you mentally prepare yourself to part ways for good, to return to the single life, dust yourself off and go back out on the prowl.
And then she says, "But we'll still be friends.", and some of that sudden separation anxiety goes away. You start thinking that in some way or another, you'll still be a significant part of each other's lives, only you won't really. In fact, they might be the most hollow words anyone can ever speak.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys guilty of these words as well, but in my experience, it's always been the female side that does the grasping for some kind of friendship, and I'm here to tell you it has to stop.
I'll be fair, though. It's certainly a nice sentiment, the idea of keeping in touch and maintaining a different kind of relationship with a person you once loved. In some cases these kinds of friendships can even work, given the right amount of time and distance. However, right after a break-up is never the time to ask a guy to stay friends.
Here's why:
-It stifles his very manhood. By not cutting him off, you're giving him an excuse to linger and not get back out on the playing field. If you were the one who wanted him gone in the first place, asking him to be friends defeats that purpose entirely.
-It gives him false hope. Again, if it wasn't mutual, asking to stay friends is a surefire way of making him think he's still got a shot somewhere down the line. It gives him all the reason he needs to call, text, email, or whatever. Unless you're a glutton for punishment, I doubt you want a heartbroken guy trying to be your buddy 24/7.
-If he's stupid enough to actually agree to being friends, it makes both of you look weak. He looks weak because he didn't have the balls to say no to you, and you look weak because you were too scared to cut him off completely. It's also basically an admission that you still need him in some way.
-It's really just a delaying tactic. Once one or both of you finds a new significant other, are you really going to remain friends? Unless enough time has passed that you're both really over each other, probably not. In the end, you're not likely to remain friends anyway, so why put it off?
-Just because it makes you feel like a good person doesn't mean you're a good person. It seems like the kind thing to do, doesn't it, to be kind to someone even after you've dealt them a severe emotional blow? Go ahead, pat yourself on the back for doing a good deed. In reality, all it does is prolong the break-up period for both of you.
So guys, here's my ultimate advice in this situation: cut yourself off completely. That means deleting numbers, emails, screen names, de-friending, you name it. It'll hurt for a while, but not as much as playing party to a phony friendship.
Have you ever been asked by an ex to 'stay friends'?
Comments (355)
yup. she wanted me to stay "best friends"
It had to be said. I hate those words, lol.
you know what? It CAN HAPPEN and all work out OK. That's all I need to say here.
One of my exes told me once that the day we broke up he would be out of my life forever. Funnily enough, he's the one who keeps trying to stay in contact with me.
I've never said that or made the effort to attempt that before immediately following a break up, though. Maybe a few months or years down the line, but it always ends up just being awkward for me. Especially when they always conveniently contact me while I'm with another guy, which always leads to an awkward conversation afterwords.
I agree. As a matter of fact I just wrote a tiny little blog about the same thing. I am guilty of wanting to be friends. But I know better now! You gotta cut those ties right away!
Word.
WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREED!
Cut those ties, boy!
I think if you give yourself time to move on from each other first, maybe then you can be friends later on down the road. I have done it that way & it works out just fine.
I've been guilty of saying this because I've had the make-up break-up relationships, but ultimately, in the 2 relationships I've had, they are the ones who wanted to stay friends. The first for kind and painful reasons, the second because he needed me. And I know for all those reasons and more, we can't do it.
Get this shit off Mancouch -_-
hell yeah! :D
lol, sooo true, what if she still has stuff you want back tho
to Datingish please.
yes, yes i have. after my ex broke up with me, i asked him if we'd continue being friends because before we started dating, we had been friends for 7 years and i thought it was ridiculous that just because we weren't going to have sex anymore, that we shouldn't talk. he said that he'd love to stay friends and well... here i am, 6 months later and i haven't heard a single word from him except the message he sent 3 weeks after we broke up that said "I don't want to talk anymore, ok? Please stop sending messages". I am confused, but i have moved on and learned from it. just don't say or try to do it :\
@melandollic@xanga - i think you need a hug :]
@Isky@lovelyish - Or here's a thought, they could... get this shit off mancouch and put it on datingish where it belongs. Stay away from me whore. :]
Those words have been said to me. But then everything turned one-sided, as in, I was making all the moves to keep the friendship going. It wasn't worth it.
It depends on the situation and nature of the relationship, I think. My ex and I were best friends for a few years before we ended up dating. We were together five years, then broke up. About 6 months later, we became friends again, but we never dated again or had sex or anything like that. That was 6 years ago (the break-up). He and his wife are mine and my husband's best friends. We hang out all the time, spend holidays together, etc. And they are named as the legal guardians for our son in our will. People try too soon after a break-up to be friends, which is always a mistake when one or both is still hurting or mad or bitter. But in our case, there was no sense in giving up a solid friendship. Everyone else thinks it's weird, but to the four of us, it's completely normal.
CORRECT
this is stupid
if your not strong enough to be able to hold up a friend ship with that ex then that means your not so very sure of your choice in the first place and probably made a mistake because you can only hold up a friendship when your a strong person and you are 100% sure of your decision leaving you at ease... im just saying
@melandollic@xanga - bahaha yes, you definitely need a hug. I never said that i was going to give it to you, i'm sure your dog would be happy to :]
@Isky@lovelyish - Bahahaha No. I don't do hugs. And I also don't have a dog, dumb shit.
@melandollic@xanga - Well then, that sucks. Hugs are very friendly. I would appreciate it if you didn't call me foul names, I certainly don't deserve it
hmm sooo..i guess no one here has ever dated someone they were never friends with anyways? sighs..
@Isky@lovelyish - If you don't want to be called a cum filled bitch cunt, don't comment me with useless shit. It's not that hard. (: