Wednesday, 13 January 2010

• Ten Ways To Improve Your Lame Ass Tailgate

     

  Me and the boys are getting up there in age and we are not aging like fine wine. We are aging more like a wheel of cheese left out in the sun. 

  We are getting fat in the wrong places, or going bald as shiznit. Hair starts mysteriously popping out of the strangest places; our noses, our ears, our backs. 

  I went down the shore this past weekend and instantly started tailgating for the New York Jets game. (I will not admit that we were tailgating for the Eagles, what a pathetic ass showing by them.)
  

  It got the Waltdog to thinking about how our tailgates have progressed over the years.  Our tailgates have had the opposite aging effect as the crew running them. 

  We all started going down the Eagles games almost 15 years ago.  (Man, we really are getting old).  When we first got tickets, our main objective was to get completely trashed.  It was essentially a race to see who blacked-out first. 

  We ignored the tailgate essentials; ice, a cooler, food, etc. 

  We all brought beer and we were as happy as pigs in shit. 

  We really didn’t know any better.  They even cleaned up after us!  We would just through our empty beer cans on the ground, and by the time we got back to the car they were gone.  It was magic!  

  Now that we are older, our tailgates still suck, but they are leaps and bounds better than 15 years ago.  We assign people to food duty.  (Even though some people still bring down KFC for everyone, it is still food.) 

  I am going to list out ten things that make a better tailgate and I am going to ignore cold weather items like gloves, hats, hand warmers, warm socks, weather proof boots, etc.  I have 2 people reading this in California, and they would have no idea what the hell I am talking about. 

  Here are ten things that are essential for a decent ass tailgate (in no particular order):

  10) Beer

  

  I don’t need to explain this but beer makes everything more enjoyable; Church, your lame ass friends conversations, football games and of course tailgates.
  

  
  

  9) Ice

  

  It keeps shit cold.  Enough said.  We used to head down with no ice.  Warm beer = bad times.  For some stupid reason, people still show up with beer and no ice.  I don’t get it.  Invest in a cooler and splurge on a five dollar bag of ice you lazy bastards!

  
  

  8) A table

  

  you can put shit on it, like food.  And if the mood should suit you, you can use the table for flip cup and get totally whacked out of your mind.  Beer pong is an option as well.  You need to invent ways to get trashed, the more options on the ‘table’ the better.  It keeps things fresh.

   

  7) Food

  

  eating is awesome, even if it is KFC or a single bag of Doritos.  Post game eating is even better. 

   

  6) Trash Bags

  

  We should all start to think about going green.  I am saying to at least consider it.  We bring trash bags down to the games as a kind gesture.  We don’t use them, but it is the thought that counts.  When we get done, our tailgate looks like a giant trash heap.

   

  5) Chicks

  

  I know guys are hesitant to bring down their significant others to a tailgate.  Guys feel like this cramps their style or something.  By bringing even one girl down it instantly means an organized tailgate.  They will set everything up, cook, clean, use the trash bags and even cook some more.  They will definitely bring stuff down with them too.  Macaroni salads galore!  You may not be able to go streaking as usual, but at least your tailgate looks and sounds awesome!

   

  4) Hot Chicks

  

  I am not talking about our wives.  We think they are hot.  I am talking about hot ass chicks that really don’t contribute in any other way but for eye candy.  You know who you are!  We have nothing in common.  They usually dress provocatively, and we appreciate their contributions.

   

  3) More Beer

  

  You can never have enough, especially after a big win. 

   

  2) A Piss Bucket or Port-a-potty

  

  Having to walk any distance to take a piss is unacceptable.  Invest in a large bucket and place it by a car door.  Problem solved.

   

  1) A Grill

  

  You wouldn’t think I would even have to include this on a tailgating list, but trust me, I do.  There are plenty of tailgating retards out there that do not even own a grill.  It is time to invest boys! 

  Peace Audi!

  URL: http://www.waltsense.com/home/2010/1/12/ways-to-improve-your-lame-ass-tailgate.html

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