I've been thinking about writing this entry for a long time. Sometimes I would start and quickly delete what I wrote. Sometimes the pain would be too much that I couldn't bear to even look at the screen. But now..Now that I have lost my best friend to an abuser, I feel that I must shed light on this situation.
The stories that you hear. The Lifetime movies that you watch all focus on one thing. Men beating women. Men raping women. But you never hear stories about women beating or raping men. People think this is ludicrous and that it can't happen. People believe that the man is probably weak or probably deserves it. I'm here to share this true story to debunk those claims.
*Names and even places have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocentLast summer my friend Mike was studying abroad in Spain and while there fell in love with the "most beautiful woman" in the world. This woman and him spent two magical months in Spain and every few weeks or so I would receive an email about the amazing things they did together. He told me that she was the one. The love of his life and coming to Spain was the best thing that had ever happen to him. As the glory of Spain came to an end the couple knew that there would be many things to work out when they came back to the States. She lived in Michigan and he lived in Virginia. They were going to have to work on the distance. It would be fine. They would work it out.
The relationship started out well. I would receive phone calls once a week with him raving on and on about how wonderful she was. I wasn't buying it. The rest of our friends were but I wasn't. I don't trust people and I don't trust fast love. He asked me to be happy for him and that he really wanted my approval on this woman. I told him I didn't approve but I was happy that he found love. I also told him to be careful about "We" Syndrome. I told him not to lose himself in her and to remember that he had friends. He promised me that he wouldn't.
Then things went downhill.
He stopped calling. I mean, school did start up again and we were in different states but still..Couldn't I get a phone call just to say hey? I called him but I would never get an answer and text messages were never returned. After a month I stopped trying and figured that he would contact me when he had the time.
It was 11 o'clock at night when I received a phone call waking me from my slumber. It was my best friend Rob who also happened to be Mike's roommate.
"Something happened to Mike"
I immediately began to ask what was wrong but he kept stumbling over a words. His voice was muffled and I had to strain to hear what he said.
"Liz beat up Mike"
What? Come again?
"She punched him. She bit him and she tried to stab him several times. He says that she did it because she was drunk but he looks horrible. He didn't want anyone to know but I knew that I had to tell you"
I was horrified. I told Rob to call the police. I told him to tell Mike to file a report. Take pictures. Do something! Get out of the relationship and get a restraining order.
No.
Mike didn't want Liz to get in trouble. The reason she beat him up was because he was trying to carry her drunk ass to the car and he accidentally dropped her. He dropped her because she kept wriggling around. So as he tried to help her up, Liz beat the crap out of him and pulled a switchblade out on him.
Mike is not the type to hit a woman. He has always been the nice guy. The one to open the doors. The one that reserves that special spot by the window in a fancy restaurant. The one that listens and doesn't speak until you've finished. He's the guy that every girl dreams of. So as she punched him, he just put his hands up to block the hits because he didn't want to hurt her.
The took pictures but they never filed a report. He tried to break up with her but she convinced him to stay with her.
"I love you" she cried. "Did our time in Spain mean anything to you? I was drunk, I'll never do it again"
Even I knew she was a liar. Abusers always do it again. I told Mike this. She may not hit you tomorrow or even a year from now but she will do it again.
The time was last week.
I woke up to my phone going off at 5 in the morning and it was my best fried Mike.
"She's trying to kill me. She's already bit me and I'm afraid she's going to do more. Please stay on the phone with me"
I told him to call the police. I told him if he was afraid for his life to have them escort her out. He didn't want to do it.
"I don't want her to get in trouble" he said.
I could hear Liz in the background yelling something about him going to a strip club without telling her.
Are you kidding me? You are abusing my best friend now because he went to a strip club with some friends?
Mike kept yelling for Liz to get out of his apartment but she just wouldn't budge. "Why are you doing this to me?!" she screeched. "Why are you calling your friends? Why are you making me out to be evil?"
"I want her on the phone because I want her to hear everything. I want a witness!" Mike yelled at her.
All of sudden he begins to yell, "Don't go in the drawer! Get away from it! She's going to where the knives are! She's going to stab me!"
And before I can tell him to call the police the line goes dead.
......
Like that. Complete silence. I panicked! I'm in a different state and the last thing I hear is that she's going to stab you before the line cuts off. Images of my best friend being stabbed to death jumped in my mind and I immediately ran downstairs to facebook. I looked up his address and immediately looked up the number for the Virginia State police. If he couldn't call the police, I would. I told them the situation and they said they would check things out and call me back.
I kept calling my best friend but he didn't pick up the phone. This went on for 30 minutes but to me it felt like hours. Suddenly, my phone flares to life and it's him. I told him that I had called the police and they were on the way. I told him to put me on speaker phone. I could still hear Liz yelling in the background.
"I called police!" I yelled at her. "I called the police because you're an abuser and I hope you rot in jail. People like you make me sick. I will see it to that your entire life is destroyed because people like you don't belong in society. I hope they lock you up!"
I was so angry. How can you abuse someone that loves you? How can you try to stab someone and then threaten to cut yourself just so they will stay with you? That's not love! That's you being a selfish bitch!
I was on speakerphone when the police came to escort Liz out. She even told the police that Mike was the one abusing her. I remember her telling Mike before the police got there:
"Who are they going to believe? You're bigger than me. They'll believe me over you because I'm just a weak woman"
"And you're also a selfish bitch and I'm sure they'll believe that too" I screamed into the phone.
After the police came, Mike cut our phone call and I didn't hear anything for hours. I got in contact with his roommate who was home for Christmas break and I got in contact with another one our friends. I asked them if I did the right thing by calling the police. I watch the Lifetime movies too. The one friend that calls the police is the one that gets shit on. But, I know inside I did the right thing. They told me that I did the right thing and that hopefully things would work out.
Hours later I got a voicemail from Mike. He asked me to call him.
I called him...
And five minutes later he wasn't my friend anymore. I couldn't do it. I couldn't continue being friends with him after what he said.
He told me that me calling the police was a mistake. He said that he owed me and Liz an apology and that he had blew everything out of proportion.
She tried to kill you! You are an idiot! Now you're saying that I'm the wrong one. I'm the one that made the mistake. That's when I knew that he was caught in that cycle and I couldn't stick around for the end. I told him that our friendship was over. I told him never to call me again.
"You and I are through, Mike. Liz has gotten exactly what she wanted. That's what abusers do, Mike! They isolate you and drive all your friends away! How dare you accuse me of making a mistake when I was the only with the balls to call the police! How dare you tell me this! Don't you realize that all your friends are gone? You are alone! But that's fine. I'm done!"
I hung up the phone. I couldn't do it anymore. I can't continue to help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Even though Mike hadn't talked to me in months because of his attraction to Liz, I came rushing head first to help him. I helped him when the abuse started and I helped him in this instance. He had already lost our other friend Ben because Ben was tired too.
"You can't keep saving him. You have to let him save himself" Ben told me.
I can't save Mike. I can't save Mike because Mike thinks Liz does this out of love. Mike has not only lost friends because of Liz but because he keeps running to see her Michigan, his grades have fallen to the point where he had to withdraw from school. Friendless and degreeless is the new look for Mike.
This Mike is not my Mike. My Mike was in Student Government and was a leader in many school organizations. My Mike played basketball and any club sport he could find. My Mike was outgoing and had many friends and love to volunteer. My Mike studied hard and wanted to succeed so he could become a teacher and inspire kids like his teachers inspired me.
This Mike is lost. This Mike thinks love is getting beat up by his girlfriend. This Mike turned his back on his friends for his abusive girlfriend. This Mike drives to Michigan every weekend because his abusive girlfriend wants him to spend more time with her instead of his books or his other friends. This Mike is not my friend.
I still love Mike. I miss him so much but I can't continue to be a friend and let him get abused. I can't keep calling the police and have him turn them away. I can't keep getting calls saying Mike is bruised all over.
I'm afraid the next call that I'm going to get is Mike is in the hospital or worse..Dead.
I share this story because people need to know that abuse doesn't just happen to women, it also happen to men. It happens to good men. Men that have never laid an unnecessary hand on women, men or animals. Men that do the right thing but get caught up in a wrong situation.
I hope this story doesn't fall on deaf ears and I hope that Mike wakes up one day and realize that things are wrong.
Comments (234)
Fact: Men are victims of voracious vaginal persecution.
of course it happens, and of course it's just as wrong, but it is
the minority. women get raped and abused far more than men, that's why
there's much more emphasis on the women's side. no one's disputing that
it does sometimes happen to men, but the incidences for women seem to
be far greater.
anyway, i hope your friend gets out of that situation.
This sounds really exaggerated, but I rec'd it because I once read a story of an abused MAN in Cosmopolitan-----I think I still have the issue. Anyway, I'm sorry that you've lost your friend and hope that he opens his eyes and realizes that he's truly in danger. One point I have to make though: It's medically and physically impossible to rape a man unless he's gay.
Yes, men can be victims of abuse as well (and not just at the hands of women either), but until society acknowledges that women are not harmless, delicate creatures, then abuse against men (or even women) by women won't be taken seriously. Hell, abuse in general isn't taken seriously and that needs to be fixed pronto.
I'm hoping your friend can find his way out of the abusive relationship though. No one deserves that. :(
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - Men, regardless of sexual orientation, can be raped.
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - It is absolutely possible to rape a man.
@nprospect - Not you again! It is so impossible. You're talking about rape from the moral perspective, which isn't considered as much in this case because, well, he's a man! There would be no physical evidence if a man were "raped" because his organ most likely wouldn't have the physical bearings of rape (e.g., bruising, tearing, blood).
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - "You're talking about rape from the moral perspective, which isn't considered as much in this case because, well, he's a man!"
So, it's not wrong to rape a man? Please explain.
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - DMX once reported that he was raped by a woman. So, its definitely possible, I guess.
@FracturedOne@xanga - Hopefully it isn't the assumption that men apparently want sex more than women do. Like somebody can mention "want to screw me?" or show a pair of boobs, and in seconds, a man's penis gets harder than a brick.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - "...men apparently want sex more than women do."
I think it depends on the woman. I've got to hand it to a man who can maintain an erection throughout a traumatic experience.
I have worked in mental health for years. Men do get abused. And not just "weak" men. It can happen and the results are the same. As you have found out with your friend, the psychology is the same. Men can become battered husbands and they go through the same denial that battered women go through. the difference is they also face this huge stigma because everyone assumes it must be them, they must be weak or something to let a woman do that to them. That plus there are no services in place for them. Shelters for abused women won't take them in.
Men can also be raped, morally, physically and psychologically. It is just as devastating for a man to be forced into sex against his will as it is for a woman. It doesn't matter if they are gay or straight either.
::puts on a fireman suit to protect against possible flames::
I think some people dont believe in abuse on men is because it's severely underreported. I mean abuse figures are on a sliding scale because so many refuse to talk about it but for men especially. Abused men hear crap like they arent manly if they get beat or that nobody will believe them & whatnot. It's not right. And it doesnt matter if the men are gay or straight, abuse happens in all types of relationships.
It's true Lifetime can exaggerate things but it keeps the subject from fading out, so that's a small plus. In all fairness, Lifetime has made positive shows & movies showing men in positive lights too & shown one man be a victim of rape once. It was in Strong Medicine & a man came into the womens clinic for an anonymous AIDS test. What happened was he was raped by some men in an alley & he said in tears "I came here because I thought someone would understand". I was only like 13 or 14 when I saw that episode & I first learned it happened to men too.
I do really wish that the OP didnt say what she said to Mike though. He really needs an open line of communication & now he may be too scared or embarrassed to call back. I had friends in bad situations too & IT IS stressful & draining on you when you try to help but people dont want to listen to you. I ended up telling them to call ME when they're serious about leaving & dont want to live isolated anymore. I'm glad to say they got out but I know it could have gone either way & we're all really lucky.
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - The rape of a man does not have to involve his penis. It is entirely possible for a man or even a woman (with a object) to rape a straight man.
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - A woman with a strapon or a dildo can easily anally rape a guy.
thanks for writing this. abuse against women is talked about more because there tends to be other circumstances that keeps her in the abusive relationship, like finances for example. and women are seen as weak and powerless in our society. men can absolutely be abused and raped and it is underreported because of fucked up gender roles. sex can be forced on a man.
but...the op should NOT be just abandoning her friend, I feel like thats pretty selfish. speaking from the perspective of someone who was in an abusive relationship, I needed my friends more than anything and no one was there for me, to help me. you need to continue being his friend.
A lot of people think that men can't get physically abused by women considering men are seen as physically stronger but women actually can cause more physical pain to a man. Women don't have a natural weak spot like men do, a woman can easily bring a guy to his knees by kicking him in the family jewels and while he's down proceed to  beat the crap out of him.
yea the feminist bullshit is way overplayed and biased. i have a brother from a woman who raped my dad so i appreciate those who speak out from the side that is truly oppressed as a voice, which is men. i'm a woman but it's horrific to me to have to be associated with these feminist freaks who deny men's hurt and abuse.
Yeah, men can be victims of abuse as well. It's rarer for men to be abused by women, but it still happens. And a woman doesn't have to physically abuse a man for it to be abuse. If she doesn't allow him to have ANY female friends ( or even friends at all ), that's considered abuse. If she doesn't allow him to go out, that's abuse. If she tries to control what he does, that's abuse. If she name calls him on a regular basis ( not just when she's mad ), that's also abuse.
I don't even know why abusers/people doing the abusing ( male OR female ) even want to be in a relationship. Why do they need to control someone so badly? I believe certain people should just remain single.
Basically, there are "evil" people from both sexes, and I always laugh when I hear women are nicer than men. I don't think either sex is nicer than the other. It depends on the person. There are definitely some malicious women out there.
Of course men can be abused. Especially considering how many women know that if they throw a bunch, or worse a pot or pan, they'll get a free pass because they have a pair of tits and a vagina. Equality, right?
It is an unfortunate truth that men, as well as women, are abused in certain relationships. Also like the women, men could walk away. They have that ability, but they have to find it within themselves to do so.
What a touching story... Now GTFO my mancouch.
@eclecticapunkqueen22@xanga - So are you saying it's okay to rape a man?
of course men are abused as well, it's just not as common I suppose? I know I have seen a movie on Lifetime about a man who was abused and murdered by his wife, I forget what it was called though =/ but yeah, everyone falls victim to abuse..I'm sorry about your friend though, I know it hurts when you try so hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
my really good friends ex held a knife to his throat and said she was gunna kill him...psycho...i wanted to punch her so bad
To the people who are saying that the author shouldn't abandon her friend:
Have you tried it? Have you loved someone who was destroying themselves? You feel like you're drowning and their pain becomes your pain. Suddenly, they aren't the only addict or abuse victim - now you are. It takes a toll on your life and you go down the toilet with them. In the end, you have to do what's best for you. If the addict doesn't want to get better or the abuse victim continually justifies their partner's brutish behavior (despite repeated offerings of assistance), then there is no saving them - you have to save yourself. Abuse and addiction are contagious, learned behaviors and result in a vicious cycle. The cycle has to stop somewhere! I can't speak for the author, but from what I understand, she didn't cut off her friendship with Mike because she doesn't care - she cut it off because she cares. And there's nothing more she can do. She now needs to take time to heal herself.