Tuesday, 22 December 2009

• Celebrate Christmas Like The Champ You Are

  
  (Source)
  

  For many people, Christmas is one of the most special days of the year. It's that one morning where you don't mind waking up early, because you know heading into the living room and seeing that tree and all the presents underneath it is so much more satisfying than a little shut-eye.
  
  For kids, it's an undeniable pleasure. They get to revel in new stuff and the apparent magic of Santa Claus, while mom and dad sip their coffee and enjoy a rare moment of familial bliss. But what happens on Christmas when the young boy in you has finally given in and gotten older?
  
  All those myths about Santa have been dispelled. You realize that Christmas doesn't just happen, but rather, your parents and everyone else spend a literal shit-ton (a shit-ton is the American equivalent of the metric fuck-load) of their money and time just to get a few nice things for their families. What used to be a magical wonderland of wintry wonder is now another sentimental, much appreciated, but ultimately manufactured holiday.
  
  Now that I think about it, it's actually pretty sad. And that's precisely why I'm going to offer everyone a solution. So what if your boyhood beliefs are all gone? We're all forgetting god's greatest gift to humanity: denial!
  
  It's time to use willful ignorance to your advantage and enjoy Christmas like the little irresponsible malcontent you once were. Here's how!
  
  1. Refuse Common Sense And Memory: That's right, when you wake up Christmas morning, it's time to forget that you're a 25 year old stubble faced wreck of a man, up to his ass in student loans, single with no prospects, and living at home. Forget that the last fifteen to twenty years have happened and act like a boy again. Wear feety pajamas! Get overexcited about things like NINTENDO 64!!!! Lastly, after enthusiastically ripping up the wrapping paper and tossing it all over your parent's recently shampooed oriental rug, you must loudly and obnoxiously thank Santa for keeping you off the naughty list despite your gratuitous porn habit.
  
  2. Magic from a Bottle!:If your mind is weak, the first suggestion may be too much for you to handle. Thankfully, baby Jesus also provided humanity with another means to deceive ourselves: booze. If your culture celebrates Christmas on the Eve, consider yourself lucky, because by the time you open gifts, you can be smashed enough to believe pretty much anything. For those who celebrate in the morning, if you play your shots right, you can be acting like a baby in no time, right down to pissing your pants in front of your puzzled looking relatives. As always, though, drink responsibly.
  
  3. If God Gives You Lemons, You Find A New God: Okay, so you're not willing to use your brain power to go back in time to a happier place, and your liver is still recovering from all that 'raging' you've been doing, so drinking is out. Well, Charlie, there's still hope, but it's not in the form of an overly jolly, possibly diabetic fashion disaster of a mythical man - it comes from within.
  
  And what is it that you need to find? Acceptance, and a new reason to celebrate. Accept that Christmas, while its intentions are purportedly good, is just a complete money pit. Instead, celebrate life, family, food, fun and boobs. It might not be as cool as tearing through wrapping paper and finding the-coolest-thing-ever underneath, but hey, you can't be a kid forever (unless number 1 worked really, really well).
  
  How do you keep your inner-child alive on Christmas?
  

  • 6:45 AM
  • 560 Views
  • 16 eProps
  • 7 Comments