Wednesday, 09 December 2009

• I Am Thankful For High Speed Internet: A Love Story

  Normally, I find myself opposed to all things new and technological. I find most of them to be unnecessary. High Definition Televisions, iPhones, Blue-Ray Discs, mechanical pencils, all pretty much overrated. I have, however, found room in my heart for one particular technological advancement; my high speed internet connection.

  
  

  
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  This is Ma$e. Born Mason Derelle Betha, Ma$e rose to fame in the 1990's as a rapper on Puff Daddy's Bad Boy entertainment label. Ma$e's signature slow, mush-mouthed drawl endeared him to many fans, including a 12 year old white boy living in Elmhurst, IL.

  That 12 year old boy was, of course, me. Around this same time, my parents had just installed a modem in the basement for our computer. Armed with my AOL account "doughboykd" I began to surf the net.

  For whatever reason, one of my first memories of the internet was spending time looking for pictures of my favorite rapper to then print and hang in my locker at school. I know this inevitably will lead to questions about my sexuality, but let's leave those questions for another day.

  ANYWAY, when I found a picture of Ma$e that I liked, I would click on it. Then I would sit there, staring at the screen. I would sit there, sit there, sit there. It took like ten freaking minutes for one picture to load fully on the screen. And we're not talking big picture's here, maybe the size of a CD case, if that. The young Rizzo apparently had absolutely no problem with this, and repeated the process several times, eventually branching out to include pictures of such diverse celebrities as Happy Gilmore and the Pillsbury Doughboy.

  Fast-forward ten years, and the old dial-up modems are obsolete. With a high speed internet connection a photograph of Ma$e loads instantly. With a decent printer my locker could be covered in Ma$e in less than 10 minutes.

  Which brings us to the point of today's post. Yesterday, I was using the internet in a place where the internet connection is not the best. It took like, ugh, 45 seconds to load a page, and, God, a minute and a half to load a YouTube video. I found myself getting annoyed with this. Then last night I was laying in my bed, remembering Ma$e (no questions, no questions please), and then I remembered that young kid waiting ten minutes for just one photograph.

  What have I allowed myself to become?  I have forgotten where I came from.  My 12 year old self would be amazed by even the slowest internet connection of today.  So, in honor of that young boy and his bizarre crush on rapper Ma$e, I urge you all to take a moment to think and count your blessings.  Enjoy the wonderous speed at which you can view this website and all of it's lovely content of boobs and fart jokes. 

  Thank you high-speed internet.  Thank you.

  Let's hear it, are you giving enough love for your internet connection?

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