Friday, 04 December 2009

• The Christian Side-Hug

  
  (Source)
  

  
  Oh, Christians. They're a source of never-ending entertainment, aren't they?
  
  Recently, some ministers have decided frontal hugging to be far too sinful. Yes, that's right. All you dirty huggers out there are just sinning. I bet you thought it was all innocent when Aunt Margaret hugged you to say hello, but no siree bob. She was actually sinning you up in a most inappropriate way. If you want to be truly righteous and free of those dirty awful sexy feelings, the only proper way to greet some one (other than a sturdy handshake) is the Christian Side-hug.
  
  And, oh yes, there is a rap song to tell you how do it. That's what the kids are listening to these days, isn't it? The rapping music? Don't worry, we won't deprive you of the video, it's right after the jump.
  
  

  
  

  
  Wow. That is glorious. That performance was actually given at the Encounter Generation Conference, which for those of you sinners not already side-hugging is an annual gathering for Christian youth designed to find new ways to spread the Jesus all around using youth culture.
  
  As you can see, this is a roaring success. No message speaks to children and teenagers like front-hugging is sinful delivered through white people making a song they call "hiphop", but is just so awful and attempting to appropriate the worst of the genre's cliches that it's mere existence is enough to call racism on the entire enterprise. That's right, I said it. They made a song so bad, it's actually racist.
  
  Now, the really fun part is trying to figure out exactly why they decided hugging was sinful. I may not be a bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure that there's not psalm or verse about the evils of hugging. It's just such a benign gesture of affection, it's almost unimaginable that anyone could find anything remotely wrong with it. Almost unimaginable, because clearly it isn't since it actually exists, and I wasn't the least bit surprised by it.
  
  I am forced to conclude that far too many priests started popping wood while hugging altar boys. It's really the only explanation I can come up with.
  
  Or maybe they're right and all this time I thought I was expressing love and appreciation for my friends and family, I was really being all sexy and sinful in a fine satin and skinemax sort of way. Perhaps, front-hugging is truly a sexual, and therefore dirty, act.
  
  Please, side-hug your loved ones today.
  
  One last things I'll leave you with, is a quote from fictional character Hank Hill about Christian rock:
  
  "You're not making Christianity better, you're just making Rock N' Roll worse."
  
  Thank you and goodnight.
  
  

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