Thursday, 26 November 2009

• Black Friday: Thanksgiving's Nemesis

  
  (Source)
  

  
  

  The holiday season is upon us yet again! Well, one could say its been here since the day after Halloween, but isn't it more fun to pretend that it starts off with the giant bang of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? I certainly think so. But the party won't last long.
  
  Sure, the holidays seem like they're all fun and games, but that's how they butter you up. It starts off with a day of celebration that ends with a giant feast. Everyone sits around their respective tables, sharing laughs, stories, fart jokes and football. Except, a mere 24 hours later, all hell breaks loose.
  
  Retail stores open in the early morning hours, with sales so enticing that they're hard to resist. People, who just hours before were giving thanks for their happy, hard-won lives, prepare to stampede through department stores looking for a good deal.
  
  Think about it - Black Friday is EVIL. We all know what a consumer trap Christmas is, but is it really necessary to rip away our good cheer so soon after our beautiful Turducken dinner?
  
  Look at all the problems Black Friday causes:
  
  -Missing the post-Thanksgiving deuce: As most guys will tell you, there's nothing better than a good, satisfying bowel release. Considering how much most of us are likely to eat on Thanksgiving, this particular deuce is one of the most brutal ones of the year. When it finally hits at 9AM, do you want to be sifting through the bargain bin at Walmart, or in the comfort of your own bathroom? It's not Black Friday, my friends. It's Brown Friday.
  
  -Manslaughter: I hate to say it kids, but your gifts are probably stained with the blood of the elderly. Not a year goes by...not a YEAR, that we don't hear about a sweet, bargain savvy grandmother getting trampled to death by a crowd of anxious, aggravated soccer moms. Unless Tickle-Me-Elmo is a great replacement for a kind, doting grandma, I believe Black Friday has a whole lot to answer for.
  
  -Prevents sleeping in: Unless you're staffing a retail store, you've probably got Friday off, and after a night of heavy eating and drinking, you probably need a few extra hours of rest. But the lure of Black Friday rips the possibility away. Oh sure, you could head to the store at 10, maybe 11AM, only to find yourself in gridlocked traffic, at the end of insanely long lines, or in a vicious fist fight for the last copy of Guitar Hero. Personally, I'd rather take a nap than spend my day throwing left hooks.
  
  -Mass hysteria: In general, I think panic should be reserved for certain specific events, such as: the zombie apocalypse, nuclear war, explosive diarrhea, and dinner dates with O.J. "The Juice" Simpson (which may or may not cause explosive diarrhea). Rather than save their panic for the very real problems I've listed, shoppers on Black Friday forgo civility and common courtesy, and forget all about being "thankful". To think, only hours ago these mindless monsters were happy, mindful humans.
  
  I, for one, will be saving my holiday shopping until Christmas Eve. Why, you ask? Because nothing says 'I love you' like frantic desperation.
  
  Will you shop, or have you ever shopped on Black Friday?
  
  

  • 9:01 PM
  • 632 Views
  • 22 eProps
  • 12 Comments