Wednesday, 18 November 2009

• Shit Happens When You Party Naked

  
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  Yes, all of us at one time or another have heard the famous phrase, "shit happens when you party naked".  This timeless truism has been handed down from generation to generation, both as a warning to keep those pants on, or for some perhaps an invitation to let it all hang out.
  
  But let's be honest here people.  How many of us has actually done the deed?  Unless you've had an embarrassing run-in with the folks over at "Girls Gone Wild," I'm guessing very few.
  
  Which brings me to the point of my post.  What exactly happens when you party naked.  Surely shit happens.  But what kind of shit?  Crazy shit? Awesome shit?  Bad shit? Bat shit? Really cool shit?  Illegal Shit?  Sexy shit? Or just regular old you're naked and partying and you shit yourself in front of everyone and they laugh at you shit? 
  
  Well, dear reader, worry not.  I am here to take you into the belly of the beast.  To learn exactly what shit happens when you party naked.
  
  1.)  You Are Probably Completely Hammered
  
  Since most parties I know of take place in public, you're gonna have to get naked in public to allow the shit to happen.
  
  I'm not really sure on this, but I think it is illegal to be naked  in public in almost every state in the Union.  Except maybe Montana.  Anything goes in Montana. Not only is it illegal to be naked, it's pretty much universally seen as a social "faux-pas".  You are probably going to get a few funny looks due to your brazen nudity.
  
  Therefore, in order to actually achieve the correct amount of nakedness you must either be very, very brave or very, very drunk.  I'm gonna go ahead and wager that you picked the latter.
  
  Liberated by that feeling of freedom that only copious amounts of alcohol can bring, go ahead and go nuts.  Let loose.  Take your pants off, take your underpants off.  Wave your wang around a little bit.  That fresh breeze must feel good!
  
  2.) You Try To Get Everyone To Go Streaking, Nobody Follows You
  
  Now freshly freed from those pesky clothes.  It's time to party.  As we established earlier, you are probably totally hammered.  I don't know about you, but when I'm totally hammered, I'm big into community.  I'm having fun, so I want everyone to have fun.  What better way to share the naked-love then for everybody else to take their clothes off?
  
  Streaking.

  
  

  
  Come on everybody, we're going up through the quad and into the gymnasium.
  
  

  3.) You Get An Ill-Advised Tattoo On Your Ass
  
  

  
  

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  I hope you remembered to take your wallet with you before you streaked out of the party.  Why?  Because you've got a little sketch in there that you've always wanted to have permanently inked on your body, but you've never had the guts.  Now that you find yourself drunk, naked, and downtown, why not?
  
  Nothing says "I make good life decisions" like a drunk, naked asshole in a tattoo parlor.
  
  4.) You Get Married.  Naked.
  
  

   
  

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  As the tattoo artist is finishing up that portrait of your mother you commissioned on your left asscheek, you look up and notice a very attractive female patron.  She, like you, is both drunk and naked.  You strike up a conversation which, due to your inebriated condition, consists of mostly unintelligible slurring and run on sentences.  Somewhere in that garbled mess of conversation the two of you find you actually have quite a bit in common.
  
  In a moment of extreme chivalry you drop to your knees and propose.  Your mother, now permanently enshrined on your ass, would be proud.  Naked wedding!
  
  5.) You Pass Out and are Tea-Bagged Without Mercy
  
  

  
  

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  Well, those fifteen shots of whiskey you did with your new wife have finally caught up to you.  You pass out naked in the middle of some party.  You are then subjected to an endless stream of embarrassments and insults of which you aren't even aware.  Photos of people posing with you are snapped.  You are tea-bagged more times than I'd care to count.  Someone busts out a permanent marker and draws all over you.  Even in near-death, you manage to be the life of the party.
  
  6. You Wake Up Disoriented, Alone, Naked, Tattooed, Married, Covered In Marker and Vomit
  
  But hey, free t-shirt!
  
  

  
  

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  And now you know what shit happens when you party naked.  Anyone else have naked partying to share?
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

   
  

  
  

  
  
  

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