Tuesday, 10 November 2009
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Moving In Together: Killing Your Relationship In Five Easy Steps
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I have a boyfriend. It's been getting to the point where people have started asking things like "So when are you two moving in together?" Call me old fashioned but I definitely believe you should not live together until you're engaged. It's not up to me to judge everybody else, but for me, it makes the most sense. Don't get me wrong, I've lived with boyfriends before, it was just simply the worst decision of my life and would not do it again unless I was certain I was ready to share a bathroom with the same male for the rest of my life. No religious or moral obligations standing in my way, just convenience.
Step One: Moving In Together
It seems so sweet and new at the time, but it's scary and invading. All your stuff is mixed around with his stuff, there's no privacy at all. There are decisions to be made all over the place, most of which he is no good for. Where the furniture goes, which cupboard is for food, which one is for plates, and most importantly, the bedroom. Now these decisions might seem like mundane and unimportant minutiae of everyday life that just simply must be done. But they still have to be decided, and this causes bickering, arguing, and animosity. Why on earth would you want to go through this with someone who you probably won't be with much longer than a year anyways?
Step Two: Day To Day Living
Waking up in the morning, getting ready, eating meals, free time, bathroom time, and sleeping. Even if you move in with someone at 17 years old, you still have a routine going with your life. And you certainly cannot change a person, especially if they snore or eat strange food.
Step Three: Privacy
Couples of thirty years or so have no idea what this word means. Some people could spend every waking second with someone else, the rest of us need some alone time. What you do with your alone time, be it reading, shitting, masturbating, a little D&D or even a fantasy sports team is important. That's why it's alone time, do what the fuck you want. Good luck getting this much needed time alone with your SO just sitting there in another room. Questions will be asked, interruptions surely made, and alone time, unsuccessful. Thus creating animosity.
Step Four: To Break Up or Not To Break Up
Making this decision was easy before. Even something vague like "I think we need some space" was easy. Space from someone, while living with them, is not easy. Staying with your parents for a while to think things through is a terrible idea. My parents make me friggin' crazy and I'd end up missing my home and my stuff. You could make him stay with his parents, but it's not as simple as it sounds. Ultimately creating, yes, animosity. Leading to your inevitable breakup.
Step Five: The Breakup
The biggest step of all. Who moves out? Should I pay for this month? Are the bills in my name? Who gets the bed? We went halfsies for this, who gets it? After the unanswered questions come the depressing statements to yourself: But I like this place. His friend has the truck. Now I have to pay rent all by myself, not to mention mow the lawn and take out the garbage. Now, if these questions/statements had been thought of during Step Four, Step Five probably would have been avoided by any means possible. Although moving and changing your whole life around just because a relationship didn't work out seems extremely annoying and unnecessary, staying in a dead-end or even abusive relationship is far worse. Don't let minor obstacles and setbacks keep you in a terrible living situation.
Now, I know some of the things we find out about each other while living together is very important towards "The Big Decision", these can easily be acquired by a thorough relationship whilst living separately. Maybe I enjoy my freedom and my own place too much, maybe I'm not ready for marriage yet, but in any case, my current boyfriend doesn't know of my plans to live separately until were engaged. Telling him would seem like I'm hinting or pressuring, and maybe we're not meant to be together, I guess I'll just wait and see. I've got plenty of time.
Should people move in together before they're engaged?
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- From: summer_soda_like@xanga
- Name: summer_soda_like
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Comments (99)
Call me even more old fashioned, but I don't think a couple should live together until married
I call myself a part time living with my bf, because he recently bought a new house (moved out of the old house which had 3 room mates) and we just got a puppy, so i go over there every day to check up on our puppy so he doesnt destroy the house and the college i go to is like 5 miles away from his house, so it kinda works out. However, i've done the whole pick out paint colors, where should the tv go in the living room, should we buy this for this house or not... done it all. It had has caused some up roars for sure, but we've gotten through them. ppl ask why dont i just move in, but i really dont wanna move in until we're married.
@MsKittyCatty@xanga - Ditto. :)
I'm living with my boyfriend and we had the whole, where should this go and that go but we were excited to do that and before we moved in, we had a brochure of the place and we drew where we wanted our things to go because we were so excited. And that part was initiated not by me...but by my boyfriend! haha. We cook together and spend time together but also doing our own things. We have a gym right by our apartment so we go to the gym together but we also have separate days off from work, so we get our alone time. We also work at the same place lol! But I guess we have a unique relationship where we actually like spending all of our time together. We will get married someday but right now money is tight. The way I see it, we are pretty much married already...we just don't have the official certificate and ring. :)
These things don't necessarily have to cause animosity. You could, instead, choose to react to them reasonably like mature adults adjusting to a new living situation.
If you go in expecting that your relationship will fail because you are unable to compromise amicably, then it'll likely turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
part of me agrees. i moved 1200 miles to live with a boyfriend, only to break up a year later. i KNOW i won't live with a bf until we're engaged, and maybe not even until marriage.
@WhyHiTy@xanga - I did that with my ex. And it sucked! But that's how I met my current boyfriend. 1200 miles is a long way.
I wouldn't say permanently living with the guy would necessarily be a good idea, but how Seen_More_Spine_In_Jellyfish states it. I think part time living with a guy helps determine if you do want to be with that guy for the rest of your life. I mean you finally know who the guy is with no guards up. Breaking up while living with someone just means you weren't meant to be in my personal opinion... right? lol (or that you really could not handle him clipping his toenails and leaving it all over the living room couch, gross)
Personally, my boyfriend & I never had these problems. When we wanted alone time, we got it. No interruptions, unless it was an emergency, and neither of us denied the other of that alone time to do whatever. We're extremely open with each other. We chose together all the furniture for the apartment, and where everything should go. You just have to be understanding of each other's routines, and the fact that you aren't going to change the person. Then again, we've been together for 5 years, and didn't move in together until after 2 years, because we didn't want to rush things.
I feel like you feel. I am not interested in putting up with all that unless I really plan to be with this person for a serious long haul.
But for some people the long haul may not include engagement OR marriage, so I can see plenty of times and reasons why couples would choose to live together without a date and a ring. But for me, unless I don't see an end date anywhere in the future, or his place got totalled by a flood, we are keeping separate living spaces.
My boyfriend moved into the house I own so there was very little discussion of where his furnitures and stuff should go since he gave away most of them and the rest fit nicely into my closet. We have very different schedules. He gets up at 5:30 to work out then get to work at 7 while I sleep in until 7:30 and get to work at 8:30. He then goes to the gym again after work while I go straight home and start cooking. We compromise with each other and it's been working out pretty well. We see this as a trial marriage since we do plan on getting married 2 years from now. So why not go through with all these "troubles and causes of breakup" now instead of after you're married only to find out that you just cannot live with this person?
i think i would while i was engaged, i don't think i would want to wait til marriage - because if theres a possibility of not being able to live together, i would want to be able to have an out before it becomes all legal and shit. however, i wouldn't do so before that; i would need at least that faint display of faith in us first.
Another topic that will see little/no comment from those with testicular fortitude.
I like this post. I had (note the past tense) this really good friend who moved in with not only her boyfriend but my boyfriend at the time about a year ago. Things were great until they started fighting nonstop. Their break up was horrible because they had no choice financially but to keep living together, and now all three of them are moving back home with their parents until they can get more stable financially. Now there is a huge wedge in our mutual group of friends because most of us see what a psycho bitch my exfriend has turned in to and side with the guy, but others are easily manipulated by her and there's all this stupid ridiculous high school drama. It makes me sick.
And it could have all been avoided had they just waited to move in together.
Oh, don't be dramatic. It's not going to kill anyone or their relationship. I see it as an important step. Also, it depends on the couple. I'm ready to move in with my boyfriend and we've been dating for 4 months. But we WANT to spend every waking minute together, and we WANT to see each other all the time. We work well together and never fight, and know each other so well, down to little quirks and random likes and dislikes.
Moving in with your SO can really help you figure out what is going to make and/or break your relationship. If you can't see yourself living with the person, then why continue your relationship with them, hm? Why wait until you're engaged or even married to find out if he goes to the bathroom with the door open, or doesn't do laundry, or can't cook? It's like opening a whole new door onto your partner's life, and the room on the other side of said door is filled with a bunch of need-to-know things.
Well my boyfriend moved in with me when I was 16 (last year). I'm not pregnant or anything, and he didn't propose to me until after we had lived with each other for like four months.
We've lived together for a year and have no problems. I don't feel like my privacy is gone, I have it if I want it. O_o The only things we really bicker about are him eating my food. Rawr.
@wizard_howl@xanga - I completely agree with you xD Why the fuck would you wait until you're engaged, practically married, to find out if you hate the way they live?
I moved 1000 (well, 999) miles to live with my (now ex) boyfriend of 7 years total on and off, only to break up nearly two years later. He lured me away from family and friends with promises of a future together... He lied, he cheat, and he left me in his home to help cook and clean up after himself, his sister, their Mom, their Mom's boyfriend, their two dogs, a guinea pig and a fish. I ended up losing all his respect somehow, could never do anything right. Whenever something went wrong, all fingers pointed at me. It was a miserable lonely existence, made worse by the fact that my "boyfriend" would take to going out of town every other week, "guy trips" to vegas/scottsdale...with these ridiculously good looking girls. When he was home, he took to going out 4 nights a week, never returning before 3AM, drunk and reeking of perfume...I ironed his shirts weekly (that was a HUGE job, took 3 hours to do them all, he was a big guy) helped him run his car dealership, took calls, ran errands, whatever he wanted. All we did was fight.
He left me for another girl eventually, I was basically stranded, two states away from home. I got two jobs and my own apt, eventually a truck, and then I met my husband when I least expected it. He's an amazing guy. He's in Iraq now, but we plan on moving in together now that we're married once he returns home May 2010. I am confident that this was the best course of action, we were careful to keep our homes separate while dating, that way staying at one another's apt. was OPTIONAL, not mandatory. We had spent a total of ONE night apart while dating, though so, so much for that! We just love doing all the "mundane" daily things together, it was and still is all such an adventure.
Seriously though, I cant wait for him to come home! Sorry for gushing about it here, I just figured Id share my experiences, as I've seen both good and bad.
i hate when people say moving in together kills everything :|
Yaah. That's what happens when you know your relationship is going to top out at a year or so. If I knew my relationship wasn't going to be the real deal, I wouldn't bother moving in. However, my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now, and we're getting ready to move in together. It's exciting, and we have good definitions of personal space and privacy when we want it (I'm around him all the time as it is, but when I need a girly day, me and my girls go out and have girly time.)
I'm sure we'll argue and there's going to be some animosity, but I have faith in our relationship and I know it'll go well. After all, I don't think we're rushing into things with it being almost 4 years. :)
@Bongflower@xanga - Haha XD. I'm the same way with my food. I once told my boyfriend, while we'd been dating for a couple months at this point, that I'd be willing to share everything in the world with him - my first born, my pets, my house, my money- I don't care...as long as you don't touch my effin' food! He's stuck to it pretty nicely so far :D
I've been with my boyfriend of four years... and have lived with him for a year now... none of these things have ever been a problem... after four years there isn't much you don't know about someone anyways.... when in love. Moving in together actually brought us closer things have been going well ^^. So i think it depends on the couple...
Ugh and now I am living step four.
This post was more about me personally, and trying to get across to some of the people I know who tend to rush into things (like myself) and then wonder where things went wrong. It's not for everyone and I'm not like a super christian or anything, it just keeps me from being blinded by love and give up my independance. Some people live together from the beginning and have no problems at all, and I'm more than envious. I'm not that good at making decisions though, so I need more time and gave myself a reasonable goal. And now I'm getting married in december and couldn't be happier. I just waited and it all turned out.