The above painting is a portrait of myself, that I had commissioned from a friend of mine. I had just finished college and my facial hair was at it's most ridiculous. It was a memory I wanted to hold and cherish for the rest of my life.
Just kidding. That's actually a portrait of Caspar David Friedrich, a 19th century German painter. But, I must say we do have a striking number of similarities. Most notably the absolutely obscene usage of sideburns.
I am a big fan of facial hair. Beards, mustaches, goatees, soul patches, I've done 'em all. But as you can tell from the portrait above, there is no form of facial hair that makes me happier than a nice pair of sideburns.
Here's my case.
The purpose of facial hair is to be funny. I don't care what anyone else tells you, facial hair is always funny. Look at this picture of Burt Reynold's mustache.
So, if the point of having facial hair is looking silly, why not opt for the silliest one you can find?
Exhibit A, sideburns.
This faicial hairdo makes absolutely no sense. Why grow hair on the side of your head, and then shave the hair off your chin?
The other types of facial hair I understand, to a degree. I mean, people with full beards, I get it, sure. You're lazy you don't want to shave. I hear chinstraps beards are a great way to pick up the ladies. If you grow a nice long soul patch you can look wise like Ho Chi Minh. And if you want to identify yourself as an avid football fan, a nice mustache would go great with that beer belly.
But why sideburns?
Because nothing beats a pair of sideburns in sheer ridiculousness and awesomeabilty. Just look here, does it get any better than this?
Still aren't convinced of the awesome power of a couple of burns down the side of your face?
This is General Ambrose Burnside, a civil war general and the namesake of the sideburn. Now, according to
Wikipedia this guy was a terrible general. But if I was an infantry man in the U.S. Army I'd make sure to do whatever General Burnside asked.
Because hell hath no fury like a pair of sideburns scorned.
And yes, this post was just an excuse to post pictures of sideburns.
What is your favorite facial hair arrangement?
Comments (26)
I LOVE sideburns! It is such a freaky phenomenon of nature! Why, WHY does it grow in that strip along the side? Why doesn't the hair just grow everywhere? Is it meant to keep the jawline warm during winter months? Why don't more guys have these?
I am absolutely fascinated by sideburns.
I think it's the sideburns/mustache combos that make me lose it. Whenever I see old time pictures of men with such a combo, but with a beard mysteriously absent thereby making the chin look unnaturally bare, I cackle. Oh, facial hair. Never change.
Sideburns are hot.
I really don't like a mustache without a beard, but all others seem capable of working for me on the right guy.
I recently saw a woman with healthy sideburns but haven't seen a man sporting them for quite some time.
Ahhh, love my sideburns. I'm starting to grow them out thick, get those awesome 80s movies thick sideburns/chops.
Those pictures are awesomeness in a bottle.
as long as someone's sideburns are longer than their ear hair, i'm ok.
bee tee dubs. elvis presley had nice sideburns! x)
@ShimmerBodyCream@xanga - No, I'm hot bitch.
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - sideburn pic for a boob pic?
What about those painted-on curlicue-type sideburns for girls in Chinese historical dramas?
@ShimmerBodyCream@xanga - Make it both boobs, and I might be persuaded.
Facial hair is sexxxyyy!
I love goatees, same with soul patches and well-kept mutton chop sideburns. Stubble is up there on the sexy list too, haha. Beards are okay if they're tidy.
dammit i want facial hair so badly. hahaha i grow patches.
No thanks. I want my sideburns to go away.
sideburns, if done with moderation, are good. I prefer a trimmed up 3 day scruff myself. I trim it so that the bottom matches my neck-meets-head line more or less. Its not long enough to itch, but thick enough to be there.
Haha, yes! And now I know what Burnsides looks like. Interesting how they inverted his last name. I have sideburns. Shaving them off is unthinkable. I've done gotees before, probably will again at some point in the future. Never tried the strip. Mustaches are out of the question. I don't like hair on my upper lip, and I also don't want to be in that club with Saddam Hussein, Hitler, and Stalin.
@lot223@xanga - @AznFier@xanga - Have you guys noticed you look like brothers? If not twins. I did a double take looking at the profile pictures, and was like. ..Wait a minute. Lmao. I'm glad because I thought I was seeing things.
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - lol really? i dunno, i don't see it, hahaha
@lot223@xanga - Yeah, a little bit. Maybe because it's just a tiny pic via the net. Maybe side by side you'd look different. I could have sworn I was seeing double, though. God, look what you did. You guys gave me a headache.
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - haha okay i'll be careful not to post right before or after him!
@lot223@xanga - Due to my severe tramactical head injuries, I have deicded to sue you for everything you own. Now give me all your money. You have to. CHUCK NORRIS is my lawyer.
@Crimson_Ballad@xanga - ROLF! just because we're both not showing our full face?
@AznFier@xanga - NO. BECAUSE I HAVE CHUCK FRIGGIN NORIS ON MY SIDE.
Heeheehee I giggled at the second last one
As a guy with a mustache, and never anything more than a few days' shadow on the rest of his face (sideburns included) I have to say that personally I dislike growing my sideburns out for several reasons. First I keep the hair on top of my head very short, so if I ever got ridiculous sideburns like the men in the above pictures I would feel ridiculous having to "trim it" down, just to match the top of my head. Secondly, I wear glasses, and sometimes the hair goes over the frame, which makes me feel like someone is trying to gently pull at my hair (very gently I suppose, but it irks me none-the-less). I've experimented with various beards in the past, but my current employer recently released a revised "dress code" stating that no beards were allowed, but mustaches were. Needless to say, all of the men who work in our company are now sporting mustaches, some of them waxing them and others not, my favorite has to be one of my friend's, who curled his mustache up in a very villainous manner.
I don't get it. I've never been interested in facial hair. I don't dislike it, it's just not something I notice on a person unless it looks awful. It just doesn't excite me.... sigh.