The Governor Goes All Governator on Everybody

Monday, 02 November 2009

The Governor Goes All Governator on Everybody

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, has called a press conference this afternoon to discuss recent remarks made by California State Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, in which the Assemblyman told the Governor to "kiss his gay ass". Needless to say, the Governor is not pleased. We now go live to the State Capitol Building for Mr. Schwarzenegger's response.

INT. STATE CAPITOL BUILDING, SACRAMENTO, CA

ARNOLD: Hello assorted media. Please, sit down, relax. I have not come here today to discuss issues pertaining to the financial crisis, nor the environment. I have called this press conference to discuss comments made by Democratic Assemblyman Tom Ammiano, who recently told me, to, to... (pauses) "kiss his gay ass."

AUDIENCE: (stifles laughter)

ARNOLD: People, people. Please. This is not a laughing matter. I was hurt and offended by Assemblyman Ammiano's comments. You cannot just go around telling the Governor to "kiss my gay ass"

AUDIENCE: (again attempts to stifle laughter)

ARNOLD: (blood pressure rising) I don't understand what's so fucking funny. I CAN BENCH PRESS 540 FUCKING POUNDS. I am the Governor of the most populous state in the Union. I demand respect. I can snap Ammiano's puny girlie-man leg in half. I am not going to kiss his, nor anyone's gay ass.

AUDIENCE: (howling with laughter)

ARNOLD: URGH! (rips clothes off, inexplicably grows long hair)

ARNOLD: LOOK AT MY FUCKING PHYSIQUE! I WEAR FURRY UNDERPANTS AND NECKLACES MADE FROM THE TEETH OF MY POLITICAL ENEMIES. I BATHE IN THE TEARS OF THE CHILDREN! AHNOLD WILL KISS NO GAY ASS! NO GAY ASS!

AUDIENCE: (cannot stop laughing)

ARNOLD: URGGHHHH! (skin begins to fall off)

ARNOLD: THAT'S IT. I AM FUCKING DONE. I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF YOU. ALL OF YOU. IF THERE ARE NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER! HASTA LA VISTA BABY!

MAN IN AUDIENCE: (raises hand) Uh, Mr. Governor, is that, umm, (laughing), is that a tumor?

ARNOLD: YYYEEEEARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns into The Terminator)

ARNOLD: IT'S NOT A TUMOR!!!!! (proceeds to murder everyone)

END SCENE.

Thanks to San Francisco Chronicle for the story.