Ah, Halloween. This is perhaps the best holiday on the calendar for us men. There's an argument to be had for others. But I say it's number one.
Well, it's become number one more recently. Just edging out Thanksgiving (turkey, wine, and football) and the Fourth of July (BBQ, beer, and explosions). But this is the one holiday that brings equal amount of joy and excitement to men and boys of all ages.
For all ages there is getting dressed up in costumes. And really what's better than being able to get dressed up as The Ghostbusters or your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Women, honestly, if we could we would be Peter Venkman everyday .... or Michelangelo .... or Batman. Every single day of the week. The only thing stopping us from our ultimate joy is you people.
On Halloween we get to wear adult versions of our favorite feety pajamas from our childhood.
But that's not all. Then there is the candy. Sweet, delicious candy (except for the evil old lady down the block who would give you pennies, mother fucking pennies for Halloween! Is she fucking kidding me? And don't get me started on those apple people or the peanut folks). More than you can eat.
As a kid this is especially awesome. Because on the night of Halloween you eat candy until you get sick. And the bounty finally ends with a day of sickness months later for an entirely different reason.
Then, as we grow older, our love of the candy remains, but our verve for trick or treating begins to wain. Yet Halloween still blesses us. For you see, Halloween gives the teen-aged male shaving cream, eggs, and toilet paper. Truly, this is the greatest day in the life of any teen-aged male for you see at that age we have but two desires: Masturbation and Anonymous Vandalism. The former we'll get to in a bit. But for now there is vandalism and our hearts are full of malice and glee.
Now, vandalism is still quite fun, but as a male moves into adulthood, it no longer phases him in the same way. And yet Halloween transforms and gives yet again. For All Hallows Eve has become the ultimate occasion for women to wear as little clothing as possible - and themed skimpy clothing at that! We all want to nail Catwoman or a sexy nurse and Halloween provides us with that opportunity or at least enough images of them to keep us imagining it for some time.
(And really, men, how did we get the slutty Halloween costume thing through? I mean, whoa, I never thought they'd go for it and now it's everywhere.The day after Halloween Facebook becomes the nastiest fetish site on the web. I think congratulations are in order all around. Well done on all of us.)
And even if womenfolk's lack of clothing isn't your thing, Halloween provides. I mean, have any of you been to gay Halloween party? It's insane. Really. Just go sometime. It's amazing. 30 Rock wasn't lying.
So from all of us here at Mancouch, Happy Halloween!