Friday, 30 October 2009

• Ten Simple Steps To Survive The Recession

  
  

  As we all know, these are touch economic times in America. If it’s light outside and you’re reading this website, chances are you are one of the thirteen million Americans that are currently unemployed. Fear not, friends. I have devised a simple, easy, ten step guide to surviving the economic downturn.  With my plan, I can guarantee that all of you will come out of the recession just as stinky and unshaven as you were when you went in.

  1.) Sleep until Noon

  The only people who are awake before noon are pet owners and people who are infinitely more employable than you. Better to ignore that alarm clock, roll over, and catch a few more Z’s.  Rest up, you've got a busy day to look forward to.

  2.) Stop Showering

  These are uncertain, difficult times for our great nation. As a result, I implore you to ignore everything you’ve ever heard about personal hygiene.

  3.) Grow a Beard

  Nothing says, “I’m a go-getter” quite like a patchy, unkempt beard. Not only will it keep your face warm for the long, cold winter ahead, it’s also extremely fashionable. Chicks dig it.

  4.) Don’t Get out of Your Pajamas

  When you do finally roll out of bed at noon, it is absolutely critical that you continue wearing the same clothes you had on when you fell asleep. You’ve got a long day of doing absolutely nothing ahead, and comfort is of the essence. If you’ve got a tattered, past-it’s-prime bathrobe, I recommend throwing that on as well, in case it gets chilly.

  5.) Eat Nothing But Cold Cereal

  Cold cereal is the not-working man’s best friend. Granted, it can be expensive, but you can’t beat it for deliciousness and ease of use. Extra points if it’s sugar cereal. Extra, extra points if you leave the milk out on the counter for your roommate to deal with.

  6.) Don’t Leave the Couch

  For those of you that spent the night here, you can go ahead and skip to number seven. For the rest of you, proceed to your nearest couch and have a seat. Take some time to familiarize yourself with the surroundings. Get comfortable, this will be your home base for the next twelve hours.

  7.) Vaguely Consider Finding A Job; Don't Actually Find One
  

  Surf craigslist’s help-wanted ads, reloading the page every ten to twelve minutes. Then get frustrated, and resign yourself to bitching about the economy and the poor job market.  It's important to remember that this situation is not your fault.  You're trying your best.
  

  8.) Watch Daytime Television

  If you ever do join the workforce again, you will no doubt be conversing with other human beings. This is a skill that you must practice during your long hours of jobless wallowing.  I advise a healthy dose of Maury Povich, Jerry Springer, and the like. That way, when you start you’re new job you’ll know exactly what to say when you coworker reveals that she is having a threesome with her sister.

  9.) Masturbate

  Well, if you’ve been following the schedule it’s probably about three thirty in the afternoon. Still hours before any of your roommates are expected home, and it’s still too early to go back to sleep. How ‘bout a little me time? Trust me, you’ve earned it.  One time didn't do the trick?  Well...
  

  10.) Do It Again
          
  Ahh, I love this country.
  
  Got some other pointers to help your fellow men through the tough times?  Let's hear 'em in the comments...
  

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