Friday, 23 October 2009
Everybody's seen one. Olive Garden commercials - those sticky, hammy, completely unrealistic depictions of dinner table conversation that are somehow supposed to make us want to spend our hard earned dollars there. I can say with complete certainty that no set of ads has ever given me the same sheer amount of abdominal discomfort that Olive Garden's have. Oh, and I have evidence - overwhelming evidence that Olive Garden is an evil, sadistic establishment meant to turn us all into corny, mother-loving, sexual deviants.
Here, see for yourselves:
You know, it'd be fine if Olive Garden just stuck with the back half of this commercial and advertised their cheap carb-laden death trap. That, I could understand. The first time I saw this commercial on television, I nearly threw something at the screen. Thankfully, my neck muscles got so contorted from my sudden fit of rage that I was doubled over in pain on the floor while the completely asinine words repeated in my head, mocking me.
It's not even the writing that gets me so much, it's just that I can't imagine who in their right mind would go to a restaurant like the Olive Garden and map out all the different pasta combinations in their head. Either the guy is a total math geek, which is bad enough in and of itself, or he's curious to see how many different colors he might be able to find in the toilet the next morning. Either way, he obviously doesn't know how to enjoy a cheap meal.
And to make matters worse, who would make a joke like "You do the math, I'll do the ALFREDO!" ? Say no more, Olive Garden, we get it. These people are THRILLED to be there. Some people love the amount of choices they have and others like the thought of shoving endless breadsticks in as many orifices as they can manage. But really, think about it - do other, real people want to dine near a table occupied by complete douchebags? No. All they need to know is that your food is cheap, plentiful, and that your restaurant is family friendly.
Bravo, you've done it again, O.G.! Not only is your sense of humor stuck in the 80's, but you seem completely fine with mothers exacerbating the Oedipus complex in their little boys. Oh, sure, the dad is there, but she makes a point of telling the waitress that her 'date' is a handsome little boy with untied shoes. And what about the dad? It's not like he worked all day or all week long and just wants to have a nice dinner with his somewhat attractive wife, right? But I guess at the Olive Garden, anything goes. You can be fashionably late, ignore your devoted husband in favor of your snot-nosed, disheveled son, and hell - why not send some 'harmless' romantic signals to your little sin-spawn while you're at it?
Not only is she sending the wrong message to both her son and the Olive Garden staff, but apparently they haven't deemed it necessary that their son learn to tie his shoes. Come on, he's at least four or five, and by then kids ought to know how to tie their own shoes and wipe their own ass. I don't care if you're going out to McDonald's - when you go out to dinner you TIE YOUR SHOES. It's just the right thing to do.
What the fuck other 'spot' is there, pal? You only have one mouth and one stomach, and I can only think of a couple other pleasurable spots on the male anatomy - the thought of both leave me with a bad taste in my mouth.
In yet another 'Alfredo' mystery, Olive Garden thinks that their over the top, 'saucy' dialogue is going to entice people inside. In reality, I'd be more interested just seeing a few of the dishes on the screen, with a price and a good description. I know that it's a marketing staple to show real people enjoying whatever product is on the screen, but the testimonials in ShamWow commercials are more believable than this. Those people don't talk about how easy ShamWow makes it to clean up murder scenes and love stains, so why should I have to wonder whether this guy is dropping Alfredo sauce down his pants?
Have you seen any commercials that just seemed WRONG to you?