Wednesday, 21 October 2009

• The Pros and Cons of Hot Vampires

   
  

  
  

  
  

  With Halloween right around the corner, and the unending supply of vampire stories being pushed through the media thanks to Twilight, I think it's high time we start discussing the pros and cons of those oh-so-sexy vampire ladies. After all, nothing is hotter than being seduced by an immortal, eternally attractive woman, right?
  
  So what if they're supposed to be some kind of unholy satanic creature? This is the 21st century - we know better than to think of things in such black and white terms. Vampires are just another one of those inventions meant to scare us, thrill us or make us contemplate a theme that's hard to illustrate in other mediums. And just like other works of fiction, vampires have become something that people fantasize about. Maybe it has to do with their clandestine nature, or their raunchy night lives, but most of all, they're just sexy. The real question is, would you want to get sexed up by one?
  
  Here's a brief pro/con list to help you make your decision:
  
  

   
  

  
  Pros -
  - Most or all vampire females are incredibly hot. They subsist on a diet of blood, and I'm assuming that's how they manage to keep their girlish figures throughout eternity.
  - They like to bite (if you're into that sort of thing).
  - They stay up all night and sleep all day, so they would undoubtedly do well in a college party scene. She might be the one for you, frat boys. 
  - They loathe garlic and Christianity, meaning no bad breath, no chastity belt and no 7AM Sunday mass.
  - They're immortal, and many vampires are depicted as having the ability to turn other people into one of their own. Provided you're turned as a young person, two immortal lovers equals an eternity of incredible sex (and you know these vampire women have been around the block a few times).
  - You're being used. First for sex, then for your blood. Sometimes guys just want to feel like a piece of meat.
  
  

  
  

   
  

  Cons -
  - They really like to bite. Vampires are not for those who enjoy cuddly foreplay.
  - No matter how good you think you are in bed, a normal human male will never be enough for her. Who cares how many girls you've tricked into kissing? She's already licked, bitten and screwed her way through history. There is no catching up.
  - Living forever makes it likely that they're used to long periods without sex and/or just crave it less. Therefore, if a vampire woman is coming on to you, there's a higher probability of you being a good meal than of you being an easy lay.
  - There is probably some kind of organized resistance group seeking to kill your beloved for her many, MANY sexually arousing crimes against humanity.
  - She might give you some kind of strange vampire VD, due to her epic promiscuity.
  - Let's not forget the abnormally high probability of death.
  
  What are some other reasons for/against a rendezvous with a vampire? Do you find vampires sexy?
  

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