Not much intro needed. These are five celebrities I'm completely convinced have super powers.
5) Tom Cruise: Super Speed
This dude has just got way way way way too much energy and positive attitude to not be super charged. I'm convinced that his daily runs are around the world.
The shock isn't that he couched all over Oprah, but that something like that hadn't happened sooner. Have you seen this guy in interviews or read any stories about him? He's pretty much pure energy. And do you know why that is? Because he's moving at such super speeds all the time so that his physical body has turned into pure energy. He's all over the place. Face it, he either has super speed or he's on super speed.
4) Brett Favre: Succubus For those who don't know Succubi are soul sucking demon who seduce men in order to feed off of them. Brett Favre, the quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, is clearly a succubus. Brett Favre is a douche bag who has mistreated his fans, strung along several organizations, and generally has been more concerned with being lazy, being in the spotlight, and lying than he has with being a good quarterback these past few years. And he hasn't been a good quarterback these past few years. Even when he was good, he was interception prone and kind of a jerk.
And yet look at how much people like John Madden and Chris Berman gush over him. That is true otherworldly love. I'm convinced the only reason he can still play at all is he is living off the soul energy of those few he seduced that still love him, but at fewer and fewer fall for the demonic wiles the worse and worse he gets. It looks like sports writer Peter King has finally snapped out of the spell and John Madden, the man who salivates at the near mention of Brett Favre, has retired (probably sucked completely dry by Favre at this point). Maybe after this season Brett will finally do the same.
3) Elijah Wood: Aquaman Hey, dude was in
Flipper. Plus he's just lame enough that you get the feeling if he was in the Justice League no one would want to hang out with him. Just like the real Aquaman. I like Elijah Wood, but he is kinda useless. Just like the real Aquaman.
2) Oprah: Mind Control Enough said.
1) Tom Waits: Reality Distortion Tom Waits plays the same role in every movie he's ever been in. Whether it's Domino or Wristcutters: A Love Story he plays some random mysterious guy who appears in the middle of nowhere who seems to know way more than he's letting on and perhaps have some mystical powers. Essentially, he's just playing himself.
Many of you probably know Tom Waits simply as a brilliant, transformational musical artist. But he's so much more. The reason he plays those roles in those movies is that that's who he is. He hangs out in deserts and wastelands across the world, appearing to people whenever their lives need a plot device and gives them answers to things they didn't even know they were asking.
Just remember this in 30 or 50 or 100 years when the whole world is wiped out Global Warming/Nuclear Bombs/Hurricanes/El Nino/Zombie Apocalypse/Robot Uprising/Roland Emmerich's latest disaster pr0n movie sucking that badly/Water Shortage/Worldwide Flooding (Waterworld, bitches!)/Book of Revelations/Whatever else is supposed to kill us all off this week, because then you'll realize that you never really existed in the first place and all consciousness was simply an illusion because reality was actually created by Tom Waits one day when he was bored. You know, for laffs.
Who are you convinced has superpowers?
Comments (36)
chriss angell! lols
At least Tom Waits is good with creating nonlethal weapons. That's not too much.
tom waits. now there's a wrinkle in the fabric....
nice post.
Mick Jagger: Immortality
Seriously, he will never die or stop making music. He invented music 50 million years ago by banging two sticks on a cave wall, and he hasn't ever stopped. They say that after a nuclear war, the only thing left will be the roaches. I say Mick Jagger will survive, and if there's a pen and pad to be found, he'll sit down in the rubble and write a song about those damn roaches.
Jared Leto and Salma Hayek and Vin Diesel.
ha ha! that pic of oprah is funny. and tom cruise doesn't have super powers, just super good CRACK!
Wouldn't Favre be an incubus not a succubus?
@ChocolateCoveredKittens@xanga - I thought about that, but Incubi are supposed to seduce women. So on the basis of his seducing men I went with succubus. I didn't have time to properly consult my demonic contacts previous to the posting, but I assume it is the appropriate title.
@nprospect - Hehe, either way not so flattering for our quarterback there. :P
I love the Elijah Wood explaination..so funny.
The description of Brett Favre is hilarious.
wow they're so cool. i want to have super powers too. the aquaman is so cute!
I have made that comment about bret favre so often. he's always messing. Its like the emperor's new clothes...he's naked!
As a Packer's fan, I am glad he went to Minnesota, now everyone on our defense can knock the crap out of the whiner everytime they meet. I give Minnesota a year before they see him for what he truely is.
Jessica Biel. Superpower: tits.
If you listen to any episode of Oprah backwards, you can very faintly hear the Hypnotoad's blair in the background.
Ryan Seacrest... okay seriously... he is on something everywhere you go.
@ChocolateCoveredKittens@xanga - ya i thought the same too...incubus is like a male demon having intercourse with females in their nightmares..etc...succubus is female demon having intercourse with males in their nightmares..something like that...i don't think farve is actually a demon of neither of the descriptions..
true about Oprah. i've been trying to let people know for years that she is the antichrist
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@Icecold4u@xanga - ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTOAD! ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTOAD!
hahhahahaha I love this post... "Oprah: Mind Control..... Enough said." That made me laugh.. because it's true! I swear she really does have mind controlling powers! @__@
5) Tom Cruise: Super Speed
heh That's just the cocaine and sex with women half his age. I would imagine the combination has that "wow, I feel good" effect.
Oprah
Good call on Tom Waits. I always knew something was up with him. I need to go listen to Orphans again... all of it.