Sunday, 20 September 2009

  • Tips From a Bartender

    I bartended for several years in a little, grungy-ass pub. Even though I no longer am employed there I frequent it a lot and still help my past co-workers. The following is a list of bar etiquette straight from the horses' mouth (a bartender in this case).


    1.   In a bar, the bartender is God.

    2.   Don't challenge a bartender to a drinking contest. We are all borderline alcoholics. You will lose and embarrass yourself.

    3.   Don't attempt to hustle a bartender. We are the biggest hustlers on the planet, behind strippers.

    4.   Your tab is 9 times out of 10 correct. Don't be that asshole.

    5.   Don't send your girl to flirt with me for free drinks and act like she's not your girlfriend, fiance, wife or whatever. If she flirts too hard I'm gonna end up sleeping with her repeatedly behind your back.

    6.   Don't heckle a bartender. We are the Gods of your drunkenness and there's no telling what capabilities we have when provoked.

    7.   If you think that you can nurse one beer for more than 15 minutes and still retain my full attention, you are sadly mistaken. Don't be a pussy, drink it.

    8.   If you scream at a bartender, he or she might choose to ignore you. If you scream at this bartender, you might provoke me telling you that you are, in fact, an asshole.

    9.  Don't try to "run your game" on my female counterpart. She is gonna suck money out of your pocket as fast as she can and still not sleep with you.

    10.  THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE:   Don't ever, ever beat an empty bottle or glass on my bar. I understand you need service. But I have been known to grab it out of your hand, stare you dead in the eye and slam it on the floor until it shatters and catches the entire bar's attention.

    Take heed to these suggestions. All bartenders I know agree with these principles.

    Ethan Sells

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Comments (30)

  • xtreme_350@xanga

    LMAO, those are priceless... I have a number of friends in the industry, all of whom will agree and get a kick out of these... you should print this off in a big poster form, and sell it bars around the continent :D
  • XsW3eTfLiP1nOyX@xanga

    cool story
  • supaflychikn@xanga

    ha, i want your career! can these rules all apply to female bartenders? i want to be equally badass, of course.
  • wolvenchic@xanga

    THis is effin awesome. Expecially #s 3,5 & 9. 
  • TheSecretLifeOfPandas@xanga

    hahahahaha. I love the bartenders at my favorite place.
  • erahslover@xanga

    Haha I'm guilty of 7 and 10.

    7 because I hate the taste of most beer. Unless I'm at brickskeller in DC and they have this INSANE selection of imports from all over the globe that don't taste like straight up rotten yeast.
    10 is more of a nervous, bored tick that i dont even notice im doing.

    This list is perfect. There is a reason bartenders make roughly 45k+ a year; if I had to deal with all of those people breaking all of those rules every night PLUS the smell, PLUS fights, PLUS vomiting and other bodily waste... jesus. I'd be in jail. Kudos. Thanks for keeping the social butterflies/deviants lubricated.
  • MissPixieGlitter@xanga

    what the fuck is "don't be a pussy" supposed to mean?
  • jasonwl@xanga

    Just serve the next bottle with a nipple on it?
  • Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA@xanga

    i love this! :)
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - it means...DOWN THAT SHIT!!!!!! ;)


    @erahslover@xanga - Yes, because you're a bitch-ass, dumbass, stupidass asshole.


    Anyways, yes..I agree with many of these. Fellas, don't be sendin' your girl to the bar...tell her to get it from other guys. Hhahaha and you can take a sip of that.
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - LOL....I still can't believe you're a guy..HAHAHAHA....Smoking some of that rock? or sniffing...which do you prefer? =)


    No, really. You're just a jackass.
  • C_UNIT42@xanga

    1. In a bar, the bartender is not god, they are the person who makes my drinks.


    2. Being a borderline alcoholic is nothing to be proud of.


    3. Hustling people also nothing to be proud of.  Being second to a stripper isn't either.


    4. If my tab happens to be the 1 out of 10 that isn't correct, that makes you the asshole hustler who cheated me.


    5. Don't pretend you don't give girls free drinks to try to sleep with them later. I know it doesn't matter if they have a bf cuz you're a douche and will try anyway.


    6. Again, you're not a god.  The only thing you can do if I heckle you is stop serving me, spit in my drink (which I can see you do and will beat your ass for), and/or get me kicked out.


    7. Not sure how taking a while to enjoy a beer makes anyone a pussy.


    8. The only reason to scream at a bartender is if they suck, try to understand why I'm screaming... its cuz you're the asshole.


    9. Got nothin' for that one, its actually true and funny.


    10. I understand tapping a glass is annoying, but why would you throw it on the ground and shatter it? That makes you look dumb cuz now you destroyed your own glass, have to clean up all the glass off the floor, and in no way did you breaking the glass hurt my feelings.  Good job... see anger management therapist soon.


    MOST IMPORTANTLY:  I'm joking. Don't fuck with bartenders.

  • erahslover@xanga

    @immaairheadxl@xanga - seriously. leave that beef in the thread where it started. apparently you don't have that filter in your brain that is telling you that this little exchange is a bad idea. That whole fiasco yesterday/early this morning ive pretty much swept under the rug. Don't be foolish or i'll have the admins remove you. Following someone from post to post to post trolling every comment they leave is some buffalo bill silence of the lambs type shit.
  • looloo11268@xanga

    I have nothing but respect for my bartenders. Because they give me alcohol. And it's always so good.
  • WhiteNinja89@xanga

    not sure how pouring liquid in a glass makes you god..... must be some kind of a real power there.

    Turning money into alcohol is not a magic trick. sorry
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - Lol..have the admins remove me..damn.


    You have threatened me. You have said all types of ridiculous shit. It's pretty amusing..you know, you're hilarious..haha. Anyways, I'm wasting my time..trolling? Damn..You sound like those reckless_eagle people..Please, report me, sir!
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - hahhaha. Yes, you have. ...what was it? ''I'm going to send your page over to a hacker'. Also, ''Don't be foolish or i'll have the admins remove you''. ..Please. Seriously, who the hell do you think you are?


    Yes. You do, I believe, need a dick up your ass somewhere..unless you can't find yours. I have never seen a guy talk so much shit behind a computer screen. Honestly, what the fuck is your point? LOL..But yeah, whatever. Back to my life!
  • nolan_kun@xanga

    I think bar culture is very interesting, but definitely on the lower echelon of society.  It's fun for early 20s days but I think you definitely get a lot more selective as you get older. What's not on here is the fact that there is a certain amount of ways to get tipped or not get tipped.  I'm extremely picky on the service I get especially at busy bars.  

    Such as: 1. If the bartender can't handle the orders 3 people deep, why is he/she working here and why am I waiting?
    2. If the music is too loud, the bartender should be able to read lips.  Why not, they work every single night at the same loud bar.
    3. If the bartenders are assholes flat out due to location (i.e. "the hot spot.") etc.. time to leave.
    4. Bartenders flirting with customers in order to push drink specials = super lame-o.  This especially so when it's a female bartender hitting on guys that are with girls, or vice-versa. (especially the annoying 'shot-girl' -- they're almost as bad as the guys in Mexico.)
    I would guess that these rules easily exceed prior rules and that it has to be a fair balance between the two in order for a business (not only a simple bartender) to be successful.
    @C_UNIT42@xanga - joking or not, I see some valid points.  Especially so with # 1.
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - i started it..? lol..i didn't read the rest of what you said. However, why the hell do you really think you need to get on the defensive mode ? you replied to about 20 people and their mama's for crying out loud..really.


    Stop being a bitch. Man up!
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - oh btw...why the hell would i follow you around..?? LOL...you just happened to comment on the very site i comment daily on ;)
  • C_UNIT42@xanga

    @erahslover@xanga - @immaairheadxl@xanga - yall are freakin' annoying little babies.  just comment on eachother's weblog or something, don't waste everyone's time commenting on posts just to argue over something so ridiculous.
  • erahslover@xanga

    @C_UNIT42@xanga - i already blocked.. but she keeps coming.
  • immaairheadxl@xanga

    @C_UNIT42@xanga - hahaha...no one told you to look at it, right? =)

  • flamingfuzzy@xanga

    @C_UNIT42@xanga - LMAO

    The bartender would not have a job without those of us who pay him to make our drinks. We are his God

    And God is still waiting for his drink

  • forever_4_real@xanga

    Hahaha :] too funny.

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