Wednesday, 16 September 2009

  • Five Guys I Really Hate

    I've had so much success with my hate articles (Guys All Guys Hate, Women All Guys Hate, and More Guys All Guys Hate) that I want to keep making more, but it's becoming harder and harder to come up with people who are universally loathed by guys. In the comments sections, in particular there have been a lot of very hate-able suggestions. The problem with most of them is that I can think of at least one guy I know who likes them (Spencer Pratt being the exception, but I refuse to acknowledge his existence beyond this sentence ... well, and most of erahslover's suggestions, but I'm locking those away for a future date). So the only real solution was to make a list of guys that I, myself alone, can claim hatred for.


    Dane Cook



    First off, he's not funny. He doesn't tell jokes, he just yells words at his audience. Really listen to what he's saying. There's no punchline! Second, he's so annoying. If you met a guy as cracked out as him on the street, you would be scared for your life thinking the junkie was gonna stab yo and steal your money to get his next fix. He's basically the human form of Red Bull. Annoying, awful, loud, and essentially speed. Third, he's a douche. Dane Cook has been known to steal jokes and stay on stage way past the end time for his set. So he has no respect for his fellow comedians. Fourth, damn, he sucks. Have I mentioned him sucking yet? He really sucks, his movies suck, his act sucks, his show sucked, everything about him sucks. I can't see him online or on TV without wanting to punch him. I really can't.

    Oh, right, and the hand thing. That's just so ridiculous and dumb that just thinking about it is giving me an aneurysm.

    Chris Brown



    C'mon, man. How you gonna beat on Rhianna? Not cool, dude, not cool. And your music sucks. But, really, the beating thing. No, just, no. Go away, now. Go.

    Lil' Wayne



    There is nothing to like about this man. I mean, he's a joke. He is a mockery of all Hip Hop should be. His obsession with Sizzurp or Drank or whatever you want to call it is dumb and dangerous. I can't even imagine that mixture being any fun, more like slightly terrifying and then you take a nap. And in the process your liver explodes. Actually he should keep drinking that stuff. Everybody wins. Oh, and did I mention he once sang that he wants to "fuck every girl in the world" with drake (another douchetard) on stage while surrounded by pre-teen girls. Classy man, this one.

    The Dude From Those UPS Commercials



    I hate this guy so much. I don't know what it is, there is no reasoning for this. I just hate his face so much.

    Bono



    Fuck you, Bono. You petulant, pretentious, narcissistic fool. I can't stand you. You have all these charities you do work for, but it's not about the people you're helping, it's all for the glory of you. Just stop it. Stop it. Why do people worship you like a god? You haven't made a good song since Sunday, Bloody, Sunday. Everything since has been cheesy self-aggrandizement. Everything since has been you masturbating in a cup and then showering in it. That song you made to shill ipods? Remember that one? Well, guess what, uno dos tres catorce mean one two three fourteen, douche. Why would you do that? Why did no one call you on your inability to count in Spanish? Why? Because you're fucking Bono. You've created this little cult of personality where you can do no wrong. Maybe that's why every time I see you're just slightly too stubbled face with your designer sunglasses you come across like a cult leader. But you know what? I was willing to let bygones be bygones. Let your followers worship you, I'm fine I'll just ignore it. But then you ... you had to go ahead and make sure I had to see you shilling blackberries every time I turn on my freaking TV. I can't escape you and your jesus complex. This is everyone's greatest rock star? Spokesman for ipods and blackberries and sprint and all the other corporations that routinely sodomize him? Is this what rock n' roll is today? I hate you, Bono. I hate you so much. I hate your smugness. I hate your followers. I hate your endless self regard. I hate what you've done to so many different things I care about. Fuck you, Bono.

    What guys do you hate?

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