Tuesday, 08 September 2009

• 12 sure signs that you are old (and by old I mean really old)

  I don’t know what it is about this week, but I am addicted to the old dude topic.  This sort of stuff comes in waves. 

  Maybe it is the fact that I got lost about 8 times the past two days and I refused to stop for directions (just like my dad) or the fact that I was in bed at 7:42 PM last night.  I really don’t know and I am not complaining; old dudes are freaking awesome!

  I got to talking to my coworkers this morning about Halloween.  I was talking about how pumped up I would be if I was a little kid going trick or treating and receiving a Take 5 bar. 

  They didn’t have Take 5 bars when I was a kid.  Seriously, how did it take the candy bar industry so long to invent such loveliness?  How come they didn’t think about this combination as soon as the candy bar was invented?  They really dropped the ball on this one. 

  Will they invent something else in 20 years that will top the Take 5?  If so, I am going to start adult trick or treating events on Halloween. 

  I thought the candy bar world began and ended with the Snicker bar and the Whatchamacallit Bar.  Not anymore sister!  The Take 5 bar smokes them both, combined. 

  I can remember trick or treating as a kid and being really excited about the house that gave out full size candy bars (they never got egged on mischief night), the house that gave out zip lock bags of pennies, and the string of houses at the bottom of my street that each gave out Good n’ Plenty’s.   

  Seriously – GOOD N’ PLENTY’S!  No kid likes them.  You have to be at least 82 years old to like the taste of black licorice.  I would be so pissed when I saw these so called boxes of candy.  My dad loved them.  They taste like crappy medicine.    

  That is how I came up with this blog today. 

  What are the sure, tell-tale signs that you are approaching senior citizen status? Or how do you tell if you already are labeled a old head by young dudes?

  Here is a list of 12 things to look out for (any combination of two or more and you are old as hell).

  12) You Drool

  

  You constantly drool all over yourself while eating a bowl of soup.  That is one down for the Waltdog, I drool everywhere.
  

  11) Early Bird Special

  

  Your dinner schedule is usually around 3 o’clock in the afternoon.  The dreaded early bird special!

  10) Deafness

  

  You utter the words “What did you say?” more than five times a day.  This sentence is usually followed by this exact line of questioning: What? Who?  Someone answer that damn phone!  My feet hurt!

  9) Ear Hair

  

  You have grey pubic hair to match the crazy gray hair coming out of your ears.  (Enough said.)

  8) Black Socks

  

  You open your top drawer and there is nothing but black socks in there.  Why do old people hate white socks so much?

  7) Fanny Packs

  

  You constantly wear a Fanny pack.  My boy Hahndog falls into this category, it looks like his belt swallowed a rat.

  6) Granny Glasses

  

  You consistently wear your glasses on the edge of your nose and peer out over top of them when making a perceived intelligent comment, followed by you slightly pushing them up your nose and snorting to yourself. 

  5) Denture Cream

  

  You constantly brush your teeth with Denture Cream instead of tooth paste.  This happens to my friend Jimmy Hambone.  He also has one of those horns that he puts in his ear to hear people better.  He is old as dirt. 

  4) Going to Church

  

  You go to church more than once a week.  This is a sure sign that you are concentrating on the evitable.  You essentially have one foot in the grave and you think multiple church visits is going to make up for the 67 years of shitty behavior.  I know I will be doing this!

  3) Talk radio

  

  You only listen to talk radio.  I am not talking about sports talk radio, I am talking about financial and news radio.  The Rush Limbaugh type radio shows.  It actually makes me mad that this guy has his own show, let alone makes millions upon millions of dollars for doing it.  I don’t even know what he sounds like!  I would rather listen to someone chew with their mouth open while running their nails down a chalk board.

  2) Black Licorice

  

  You like black licorice.  I have no idea when this happens, but it is as certain as death and taxes (I think).  I heard they won’t give you senior citizen status until you can prove you like black licorice.  You have to eat like 15 pieces without making a weird face.  Jimmy Hambone failed this test like nine times before passing.  He now gets serious discounts at the movies.  The one downfall is he smells like licorice and moth balls. 

  1) Exact Change

  

  You stand at the counter of a convenience store and count out exact change.  You bought a quart of milk for $3.78 sense and you feel the need to dig into your pocket or pocket book and count out the 78 cents to the penny, instead of forking over 4 dollars.  It is called a CONVENIENCE store for a reason.  This act is anti-convenient.

  Oops while counting my change I just crapped my pants!

   

  Guest post submitted by WaltSense
  

  Mancouch asks: What was your score... I got a 1/12 (for deafness).  How about you?
  

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