Saturday, 29 August 2009

• How To Make The Perfect Date

  With all these young guys I know going on dates, I figured they should at least know how it needs to be done. I'm willing to share my extensive knowledge on the subject, since I know exactly what I'm talking about.

  Say you're a guy, just an average joe. Unless, of course, your name isn't Joe, in which case your name must be something else. But say you're average, and you have this problem, which is common, which is another word for average.

  Your problem is that you've messed up every single date you've ever been on. Or even worse, you've never been on a date but you just know you're going to screw up your first one. It's like one of those freaky premonitions, where you dream you're going to run over your dog and then you wake up the next morning to rush to your mom's house to tell her about the dream and you back your car right over your dog on the way out of the driveway.

  Wow, I wonder where that came from. Huh.

  How To Make The Perfect Date - The Official Guide

  1. The First Meeting.

  There are quite a few places to meet girls. I mean, they're all over the place: on the street, at church, on da internets, at work, in restaurants, in bikinis, at family reunions...

  When you meet the girl, you have to remember one thing, and one thing only:  first impressions are important.  The second, third, fourth or fifth impressions have little impact compared to the first.  Unless, of course, you're a perfect gentleman on your first date and every one after that you forget to wear pants, in which case you'd better be wearing a nice shirt. 

  With your first impression, you have to stop thinking about smooth movie lines. Nothing works how it does in the movies. That's why we like movies, because they're a reflection of real life, only perfect. So make up your own smooth phrases.

  

  "I've seen many girls wear that shirt, but I've never seen it worn so well!"

  If you have some good female friends, it might be a good idea to ask one of them to help you work on being charming and endearing, and stuff.

  Also, if you ever start talking to a girl online, please be careful. You never know for sure who you're talking to.
  

  

  "Yes, I am a 5'7" blonde cheerleader with blue eyes. How'd you guess?"

  2. Asking Her Out.

  Since this is a post about dating, it only makes sense that it would include how to ask someone out on a date.

  If you really like a girl and she obviously likes you back, don't let your fear of rejection get to the point where she asks you for a date. That only makes you feel guilty/awkward later, even though you may be jumping up and down when she asks you, because she must totally be into you if she asks you (personal experience). Have the guts to ask her. The worst thing she can do is say no (and maybe mace you), and it doesn't even hurt after you get rejected a few times(except the mace might still hurt), so you can take it all in stride and ask another girl.

  When you ask her out, you gotta be focused, man. You can't be staring off into the vast sky at the twinkling stars and suddenly slur, "doyouwannagooutwifme?"  This is bad. I'm home schooled, and even I know how to ask a girl out. And don't say, "hey baby, wanna go out sometime? Good."  If you say that, you deserve a swift kick between your legs. Be creative. Ask her nicely. Don't be persistent if she says "no" and runs away.

  Also, if she pulls a gun or kicks you in the crotch, that's a definite "no." Something along the lines of  "you know, we should hang out sometime, maybe catch a movie, or get somethin' to eat? Would you like that?"  Chances are she's more likely to say yes than she would be if you said it vague and dreamily. Girls don't want sissy boys. Remember to set a date. Don't just call and say "hey can you be ready in thirty minutes when I get there?" Girls can't even start getting ready in thirty minutes. When you ask her out in the first place, she might say "sure, what time?" or "that'd be great, would Saturday work for you?" If she doesn't, you can always say "maybe sometime over the weekend?" And then go from there. DON'T forget the date. That's a bad thing.

  3. The Drive.

  If you're taking a girl on a date, it would logically make sense to assume that you own a car. However, maybe her parents don't trust you alone with her in a car, so they may offer to meet you somewhere and drive you to the date-place thingy. Or maybe you'll take a taxi, although they don't exist anymore. But if they let you drive her to the destination, your car must be clean. If it's one of those old Buick's that has all four fenders kicked in, maybe you should just ride your bicycle, with her riding in the basket.

  When you get to her house, if she lives alone, it's wise to knock first, in case she's changing clothes. If she says "come on in, cousin", then you should proceed, and wait for her until she's ready.

  If she lives with her parents, you should still knock. When her dad answers the door(why does he always answer, anyway?), you should say "hi, sir! I see you're cleaning your guns. I'd love to stay and help, but we don't wanna be late." Then, get his daughter and get out of the house as fast as you can. Don't forget to tell her how breathtaking she looks. She didn't spend all that time getting ready for nothing.
  

  Almost a personal experience. Don't ask.

  The carpet in your car should probably be vacuumed, and it might be a wise idea to make sure the car doesn't smell like smoke. If the car lacks carpet, put some bubble wrap down before the date and use it as temporary carpet. She'll love riding in your car, just to pop the carpet.

  During the drive, say something. This isn't a funeral drive to the graveyard, you're taking a girl on a date.

  Unless, of course, your destination for this date is the graveyard, which would be a little weird.

  On the drive, don't pull out your cell phone to call or text someone, unless it's mandatory or it has something to do with your date. If you can't think of anything to say to her, ask if she'd like to see a magic trick (she'll say yes).  (Insert magic trick here).  If it works, she'll be mystified and wonder how you did it. Don't tell her immediately, because that ruins the fun of it. Instead, if later on down the road she becomes your girlfriend, maybe you should find time to show her then. If the trick doesn't work, say some thing cute, like "Wow, that's the first time that ever happened again." And continue the drive.

  It's also a good idea to turn on some music, if you have good taste. I highly recommend listening to "Gives You Hell" (All American Rejects) or "Womanizer" (Britney Spears). Those are awesome date songs. 

  Helpful hint: Girls, for some reason, love talking about girly things. If you can talk with her about such things without coming off as gay, go for it. At least she's talkin'!

  4. The Arrival And The Main Shabang.

  You may have to get out of the car fast to open the door for her, ya know, to be a gentleman. Sometimes they don't care if you open the door or not, and that's cool. (But when you enter the restaurant/theater/other, be sure to open the door and let her walk in first.

  Let's assume you took her to a fine diner, like McDonald's Olive Garden or Applebee's..

  Don't EVER take a girl on a date to McDonald's, even McLovin wouldn't do that.

  While you're eating, think of an interesting topic of conversation, like how weird a date without conversation would be. A good conversation starter would be something along the lines of, "hey, did I tell you what I did last week? I went to to WalMart and stole a paper shredder, nobody even noticed. Yeah. And when I got to my car, I opened the box, and I was like, 'wtf? A paper shredder? Really?'"  This will draw a response from her, something like, "wow, you're crazy. I'm going home."

  Which you don't want, obviously. Something that'll make her eyes big and round, like silver dollars, makes a good topic.

  Example: "I love Koalas. In fact, I have a website dedicated to them. 'Iwouldsellmymomforakoala.com' That's how much I love Koalas. I plan on owning them all some day." 

  When you're talking, above all else, try and at least sound intelligent, but be yourself. They want deep conversation. And the last thing a girl wants is to fall in love with someone, only to find out he's not who she thinks he is. Girls like intelligent guys because intelligence is hot.  Have you ever seen a single nerd?

  Okay, okay, but have you ever seen a nerd that wasn't surrounded by girls? I mean a REAL nerd.

  It's a smart move to pay for the evening's fun, but if she insists on paying half, let her. You don't want to fight over something like that.

  5. Taking Her Home.

  Unfortunately, when you take a girl on a date, she does need to go home eventually. But don't worry, because if she likes you, then maybe you can go on another date! Awesome, right?!

  On the way home, the conversation should continue. Girls can talk until they're blue in the face, but only if you talk about something they like to talk about. If you talk about cars or video games, she may not be so interested.

  When you get to her house/apartment/trailer, walk her to the door, and gaze into her sparkling eyes and sigh. Then say, "Yo, I guess this is the part where I say, 'dawg, I had a rad time, man. Maybe we can do that again some day.' And then I kiss you. Or something. Just like in the movies." Also, her hair always catches on her earrings when you sweep it back to kiss her, which never happens in the movies.

  Actually, it doesn't work that way. First, you say, "sooo, I had a lot of fun. Did you?" If she says no, start fake crying immediately. If she says yes, then you should stare at her for a second, as if you're debating if these really are the droids you're looking for. Then, lean in and kiss her, with your eyes closed. Make sure you remembered to chew some fresh-tasting/smelling gum on the way to her house after dinner, because there is nothing worse than kissing someone who has bad breath. If she invites you inside, do so if you like. If she doesn't, don't ask.

  If she had a good time, her face should look like this:

  

  Well, hopefully not, but you know what I mean.

   

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