Thursday, 27 August 2009

• I Miss Pr0n

  Over the weekend, I was rummaging through some old stuff in the garage when I came across a blank VHS tape. There were no markings on the tape, but I was almost certain what was on it. It was some of my old porn!

  Almost immediately a wave of nostalgia crashed over me. I realized how much I miss porn. Today it just isn't the same as it used to be. The internet has ruined everything!

  The first way that internet has ruined porn is by making it so accessible. Everything is just a mouse click away now. No one has to know your business. You can look at any perverted disgusting thing you want and no one is the wiser. This has spoiled us. I miss having to be resourceful.

  I remember how hard it was when I was a kid. My most common source of porn when I was little was scrambled cable. With the old school cable boxes when you changed to a pay per view channel you could see more or less what was going on for a brief second. Thus I would repeatedly press channel 63 (That used to be the Spice Channel) to get little glimpses of what was going on. To this day I still think scrambled porn was the best. It left so much to the imagination. You'd be sitting there unsure of what you were looking at. Then for a moment things would be clear and you'd be super excited just to see one boob. It got no better.

  
  Is that a nipple I see? Ahh scrambled porn, how I miss thee! 
  (Hey I made a rhyme!)

  Sometimes while trying to see some scrambled porn I would "accidentally" press the AUTH button on the remote. That is the button that actually buys the movie. This was immediately followed by a brief period of panic. It would be like, "Oh shit! What am I gonna do?". Then two seconds later I would just say, "Ahh well, what's done is done. May as well enjoy this. The bill won't be here for another month anyway." No sense worrying about something today that I am going to get my ass whooped for tomorrow.
  

  As I got older I found new ways of acquiring porn. My friends at school started to bring theirs in from home. We would have little huddled meetings at lunch where we all marveled at the stash du jour. Then we would make appointments for when we would get to borrow it. We would have the date marked down on our calendar, like it was a date with a real person. In retrospect, that was pretty gross.

  Once I got to be about fourteen or fifteen years old, I found that there were certain stores that would let me buy porn. I would have to test these places out by inching over to the section where they had their little bit of porn. I can still remember the first time I was bold enough to actually take something to the register. The first time I purchased a porno was a real proud moment for me. The movie I bought was called Dripping With Desire. I cannot remember the name of the place where I met my girlfriend (neither can she), but I remember the name of that movie clearly.

  
  Hello old friend.

  Remembering that movie was such a fond memory that I decided to download it over the weekend. I was so excited when the download completed. It was like seeing an old friend. "Long time no see! How the hell have you been?" I didn't even do anything while watching it. I just smiled and reminisced about other times I had done stuff to it. Good times!

  And on that sentimental note, I will end this for today. I had more thoughts on this than I anticipated. I think I'll make this a two parter.

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