Saturday, 22 August 2009
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Cheating and Advice from Guys.
When a guy cheats on his girl, does he tell his best and closest friend?
When my friend cheated on her boyfriend, she told me first. She was my best friend, so I wasn't there to judge her. But it got me thinking. We talked about it, how she regretted it, how it wasn't an accident, but it was a mistake, whether or not she should tell him, and when to tell him if she chose to tell him... all that jazz.
I'm not the best person at giving advice, so I just chose the cliche "go with your heart" thing. Her other friends----whom she told as well----[she was close with them, I guess] were filled with opinions and ideas for her.
- "Tell him, honesty is key"
- "Don't tell him, what he doesn't know won't hurt him" blah blah.
So then I thought, do guys do this?
I was wondering if it depends on how serious he is about the girl, and if they tell him like, "Hey man, what the hell were you thinking, that was probably the dumbest shit you could ever do." I don't know, but if my boyfriend's friends and I get along, and I would hope that they would talk some sense into him and tell him that he needs to get it together. But I don't know.
Mancouch says: Guys don't think about this stuff nearly as much as girls do.
But we'll put it to our readers: do guys tell their friends when they cheat?
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- From: discoxapples@xanga
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Comments (29)
I'd tell him he needs to stop and come clean. Honesty is key to a surviving relationship.
Well, if you're confessing to cheating to make yourself feel better and less guilty-hiding-a-secret, then that's not cool.
Some people may want to know, and others don't want to know... but it really depends on the person. I think that I personally would want my S.O. to confess to me, but I am one of those people who need to know everything, and then get burned by the info sometimes b/c it's not something I actually want to know, b/c it hurts.
I really hope more guys respond to this. I want to know the answers! Good post btw : )
I've never cheated on anyone, but my friends have told me though and it's never been about how they regretted it.
Most of the cheating I've seen amongst my friends over the years has been under the radar. Which means if a guy is cheating on his girlfriend, he never says anything and we end up finding out what happened after his girlfriend finds out and they break up. Mostly we figure it's not our business.
On a few occasions, it's happened at parties or whatnot and we're aware of what's happening. In that case, we usually just choose not to get involved, meaning we just keep our mouths shut. Nobody chastises him for having screwed up nor do we tell his girlfriend. That's his business and if she finds out, his drama. We want no part of it.
i don't think they're cheating.
i wanna know what guys' replies will be as well.
If my boyfriend cheated on me. I'd break up with him straight away. If he told me, we could still talk. If he didn't tell me and I found out myself (i WOULD find out) then no way in hell would i want him in my life. I speak from experience.
Having said that, I sincerely doubt that will ever happen with my current boyfriend
just saying
i have never cheated, nor do i plan to... mainly because i know that there's no such thing as secret, and any secret that is a secret, will no longer be a secret... via the e-mails we sent, the conversations we talk over the internet the cellular network, the in-person conversation overheard by people who may know you, the public outings seen by people who may know you, and the power of google satellite... it's like the government, people who work for the government, people who work for cellular network, or passerby, all of which may know your girlfriend or may know a friend of your, or a friend of a friend of your, you get the point... it's a small world indeed...
secret secrets are no fun
secret secrets hurt someone
but yeah, if i were in that particular scenario, my first instinct is we probably wouldn't tell our friends just like how they probably wouldn't tell you if they bang'd your girlfriend... haha, as for telling the girlfriend, i'm sure there are different states... for example, if you're being blackmailed, i'm sure she'll understand (but some guys would be too scared to do anything)... if it's a mistake, chances are you'll probably tell if she knows about it... of course, you'll lose that trust you've built and she might punish/pull a revenge on you (for example, revenge x with your best friend, no x for you, avoid getting too close to ya)... if it's for fun (hopefully not), similar to mistake, only tell if she has a clue... the only reason they're with them is probably for the x, and since they may or may not give them x after that lost of trust, eventually they'll give in and give some x... and you know what, these funya will most likely continue to cheat (with a slight change, a little less noticeable)...
but yeah, cheating actually makes things really complicated... it causes unwanted drama... it causes heartbreaks... it ruins your reputation and as we all know, girls tend to share anything and everything to other girls so essentially it ruins your chance of ever finding someone unless you have a 6 or above... either that or you've got money... heck, there's probably more...
@tokyoexpressman@xanga -
agreed, mentioning to the guy's girlfriend would reduce your chance of getting with her after the break, mainly because she'll see you as the bad guy, the guy who was involved for causing the breakup... and the guy will probably want to beat the sh!t out of you... haha... also, try to spend as less time as possible with her while she has a boyfriend (that is if you like her) otherwise, you'll become friend zoned if you get too close... so that's why it's better for guys not to get involved period... though there is that rare occaison that girls would want you to tell them... but better for them to ask rather than you telling...
anyone want to confirm this?
going to bed... nights...
@tokyoexpressman@xanga - that's probably a much better idea than what us girls like to do, which is invite the world into our love lives. But you're totally right, it's none of our business.
i think if you're going to cheat on someone, you might as well have the balls to tell them the truth afterward or better yet, before you cheat, have the fucking balls to break if off with the current partner. this is called common sense... i know, not everyone has it, but yeah, sometimes, at least listen to people's advice if it's good advice...
My best friend's boyfriend told ME when he cheated on her. I wasn't even close with him. Oh and he made me promise not to tell her before he informed me (7th grade girl move?) What a tool.
Cheating is taboo so I doubt anyone would want to broadcast that out...no?
Guys normally don't tell. Guys think they are invincible and won't get caught. Part of it depends on the situation. Drunken party, one night stand, somewhat forgiveable. Stupid, but you can get around it. More than a one night stand? Not so good.
Smart guys will break it off with current SO's before pursuing new girl. We don't talk about that in locker rooms or watching football. It's pretty much a solitary thing. Sometimes if a guy is married, and there's trouble in the relationship, he'll turn to someone else who is understanding and non-judgemental, who doesn't criticise him for breathing...girls are just as likely to do that too. You might be able to forgive and move on, but you'll never forget, and there is always that reminder in the back of your mind that says, (s)he cheated on me once, it can happen again.
No one is perfect, and if you blow one relationship because of infidelity, the best you can hope for is to learn from your mistake, resolve never to do that again, and forgive yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing to do. If you are lucky enough not to come away from your "romance" with an STD. Or get it from your unfaithful spouse because her/his lover had it. Ahh, the gift that keeps on giving. Imagine how fun it will be to go through the rest of your life with an incurable STD because your unfaithful spouse didn't have enough sense to check out their partner first. Or were lied to.
Do you suppose there might be something to the old Biblical admonition to wait for sexual intercourse until marriage, then stay faithful to each other the remainder of your lives? Bahhh...too old fashioned, too "religious", too hokey..no one ever does that anymore...hmmmm...
@yukarimayhem@xanga - hate to say it, but there's no guarantee that you WOULD find out. the only reason i found out about a cheating boyfriend was because he HAD to tell me because the girl got pregnant. we've since broken up, but, looking back, i think there was a double-life thing going on that i never had a clue about. it was like being in a room full of people who all knew the secret, and i was the only one who didn't know.
don't want to burst your bubble or anything, but sometimes, you don't find out. and it would take a lot of courage for someone to tell you.
double edged sword, y'know? it's like, you don't want to act suspicious and check his calls and such, but at the same time, you don't want to be completely unobservant.
@Miss_Sarah_Jane@xanga - i'd've broken that promise. any guy would be stupid to think that a girl's best friend is going to keep a secret. that's what best friends are for.
@utoppia@xanga - doubtful. cheating is NOT taboo. i don't know where you're from, but in American culture, cheating is not "taboo" per se. it's...sometimes acceptable, sometimes despicable, and sometimes...it's encouraged. especially in "boys' clubs" like the military, police, firefighting, etc...it's a masculinity thing sometimes...male prowess and "instinctual breeding" and such. all bullshit if you ask me.
this is probably why the divorce rate in America is 50%
@Ork58@xanga - absolutely. you hit the nail on the head, i think. and you make a moot point by bringing up the STD's. I got stuck with one because of an unfaithful S.O., and I just kept thinking "it's just not fair." The cheating I could deal with, maybe even move on and forgive, but once the STD popped up, I was done. There's nothing that says "i love you" like a nice case of the clap.
@ravenouspoe@xanga - ure right :(
but i suppose eventually the truth would come out right? eventually all good things (for him) must come to an end. My mum whose been married to my father for about 20 years has been cheated on by him several times :(, he hid it so well, but once uve been with someone that long i think u can begin to sense when things are wrong ><
maybe its just me though
i totally understand the angle you're coming from though
<33
@yukarimayhem@xanga - i wouldn't say the "truth" would come out, but with cheating, even if there's ignorance to it, I think things would fall apart anyway. It would be difficult to maintain a relationship if you're cheating. So, even if your partner is completely oblivious, this would change enough in the relationship for there to be some kind of strain.
Cheating on an SO is a clear sign the relationship is in trouble. You cannot build a good relationship when the foundation is faulty. Every relationship is built on trust. If you have no trust, you have no relationship. You might be fuck-buddies, but thats about it.
As for the STD's, pray it's treatable. Chlamydia, while not pleasent, can be cured. Other's can't.
people say honesty is key but really, in situations like these, unless she's willing to end the relationship with her bf, she shouldn't. if and when she decides to tell him, it's to shed some guilt off her chest... it's not for his best interest but hers. if she tells him and he's suffering because of what he knows, would she try to continue the relationship even though it'll be hard? how will he ever trust her?
although she has admitted it was a mistake, as she acted on her whims, it had been planned to a certain extent. and to plan anything for a certain extent means her intent was to DO something she knew would hurt her bf. I don't know, once he realizes that she has lied and cheated on him, i don't think she should do anything that would be EASY for her but respect his wishes.....if she is willing to unload her burden for him to carry it for her because of guilt.
@yukarimayhem@xanga - amen to that. when shyt like that happens, its bound to come out. that's exactly how i would deal with it!
@Miss_Sarah_Jane@xanga - interesting break-up tactic. and a sadistic and cowardly one too. there is no way that he actually expected you - the best friend- to keep that secret. he probably wanted you to tell her, so that he wouldn't have to tell her directly. what a coward
i dont' have any friends that are willing to cheat. plus, girls think way too much. mancouch is not far from the truth on this matter.