Thursday, 20 August 2009

• Dealing With Women 101

  Mike Talon, a good friend of mine on DeviantArt, has caved in and decided to share some of his tips on how to win over the ladies. Guys, follow his rules and you might suddenly see a difference in how women react to you.
  
  (Reposted from DeviantArt with Mike's permission).
  
  

  
  

  
  All right guys, settle down, put the football away, and the porn mags, and for heaven's sake, will someone untie the newbie? The bondage class is down the hall! Now if I can have your undivided attention for just a few minutes.... Sean, if you throw that spitball at my blackboard I will end you!
  
  *ahem*
  
  Okay, in case you didn't bother to read the bold lettering on the door, my name is Professor Mike Talon. The reason you are here today is obvious. You suck when it comes to dealing with the fairer sex. Let me say now.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Millions of men around the world are in the exact same position as you are now. I can help, and if you are willing to set aside preconceptions and actually listen, you may just learn a thing or two. *nodnod*
  
  For sake of argument, we will assume that you all at least know the physical differences between a man and a woman. That's all well and good, but it will probably surprise you to know that there is more. Specifically, that mysterious unknown that is the female brain. I will tell you now that I do not have all the answers. Nobody does, and that includes other women. Their wants, needs, and desires are as varied to them as tools are to you. What I will teach you is to accept that the female brain exists. A woman is more than a life support system for your favorite physical parts of the female body.
  
  Today, we will only be covering the most basic rules. Whether or not class continues after that depends entirely on if everyone shows up. You have to want to learn. I have neither the time, nor the patience to hunt you down individually and force anything upon your simple brains. Pens and paper out please! Oh and Bryant... Daniel... yes, you draw real ends well. No, I don't want you drawing them today! Everyone ready? Excellent.
  
  Rule # 1 - Do not say what is on your mind.
  
  I know the natural inclination is to speak what is on your mind when dealing with a woman. Guys, this is a BAD idea. Your thoughts are best kept to yourself.
  
  For example, a well endowed woman. Considering that it's her body, it's safe to assume that she already knows she's well endowed. She DOES NOT NEED YOU TO TELL HER THAT. Best case scenario, saying "Hey, great rack!" will get you ignored or possibly slapped. Worst case, you catch a beat down from her boyfriend/husband/lover that has already passed this class, or your mother will hear you. Either way, it's your ass.
  
  

  
  

  
  Rule # 2 - Be respectful at all times.
  
  Even if you're lucky enough to already have a female by your side, you have to remember that she is there by CHOICE. She lowered her standards enough to tolerate you, and she can raise those standards and dump you just as easily. The kind of relationship doesn't matter. Friend, lover, submissive, whatever. You have to maintain a healthy respect for her wants and needs. If you don't, well... with 3 billion men on the planet, it's safe to assume that she can find one that will.
  
  Rule # 3 - Be truthful with her.
  
  No, I don't mean the Catch-22 things like "Does this make me look fat?" In those scenarios, it's best to feign ignorance, run screaming into the night, or hit your knees and proclaim that no matter what, she is the center of your universe. DO NOT LIE. She will catch you. Men are not smart enough to remember things like little white lies, and when you slip ( note that I said WHEN, not IF ) she will nail you to the wall with your own words.
  
  

  
  

  
  On a side note, there is a little known truth serum commonly known as SP-17. It makes sodium amatol look like liquid sugar by comparison. It's given by injection, and the needle is small enough to feel like your woman has given you a suggestive pinch on the rear... usually during backrubs, foreplay, or similar circumstances.
  
  There is no antidote. Therefore, it is imperative that you be truthful with her at all times.
  
  
  Eh. Judging by the glazed expressions around the room, and I am quite happy to note, a few contemplative ones as well, I'd say that we're done for the day. On your way out, you will note the comment forms by the door. Do take a moment to fill them out and provide some much needed feedback.
  
  Until next time! ;)
  
  
  

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