Wednesday, 19 August 2009
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It's probably better that I can't get pregnant
If you ever have the good fortune of meeting me, one of the first things you may notice is that I am a man. As such, there are certain things that I cannot do. For instance, I cannot shop at H&M, I cannot watch Lifetime, or Lifetime Movie Network, or Oxygen, I cannot listen to Lady Gaga, and I cannot under any circumstances eat tofu. These are things that my penis restricts me from doing.
Like this.A few days ago I watched as my aunt (a woman) gave birth to my little cousin Anayah. As it so happens, giving birth to a child is another thing I cannot do as a man. Still as I sat there, watching my aunt writhe in pain, I started to wonder what it would be like if that was me going through labor. I don't think it would work at all.
First off I am way too much of a prude to have a baby. You are sitting there on a bed spread eagle for who knows how long, meanwhile people are coming in and out of the room poking around and checking on stuff down there. Nah man. At some point I would freak the hell out.
"HEY DAMNIT!!! DO YOU ALL MIND?!!!"
I would probably be so uncomfortable that I would just ask the doctor if he could text me the directions so I could deliver the baby myself. I am a man! If I could put together that bookshelf in the living room by myself, I can do this by myself too.
If I did agree to the hospital birth with all the poking and prodding and being spread eagle for hours on end, I would be one cranky son of a bitch! Things would get violent in a hurry! I would probably let out the biggest string of expletives and insults ever known to man. I would make those crazy pregnant women you see in the movies seem like saints.
"What the hell do you mean push? What the hell do you think I've been doing all this time you assholes! And for the last time, stop looking at my crotch!!!"
Lastly, if I actually pulled it off I would never shutup about it. I would be bragging left and right. I would be all I just performed a miracle this, and how amazing am I that. My kid would never hear the end of it either. I think I understand mom guilt a little better now after seeing the entire process. I would never let anyone live that down. I could be having a spat with a complete stranger and out of nowhere.
"Hey! I did not carry a baby for nine months and go through hours of labor for this shit!""But we are not even related."
"NOT THE POINT YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK!"
In the end, I think God knew what he was doing. I really have no business having a baby.
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- From: vanedave@xanga
- Name: David
- Location: New York, United States
- About Me: I write for me. Yeah thats a bunch of bull. I really enjoy making people laugh. Some might even say that I am pretty good at it.
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Comments (52)
lol Hey! I did not carry a baby for nine months and go through hours of labor for this shit!" Too Funny!
Those movie "births" are hardly ever like the real thing. "If I did agree to the hospital birth with all the poking and prodding and being spread eagle for hours on end, I would be one cranky son of a bitch! Things would get violent in a hurry! I would probably let out the biggest string of expletives and insults ever known to man. I would make those crazy pregnant women you see in the movies seem like saints. "
She almost strangled one doctor So he left and brought her someone else (a female doctor who had given birth before) lol
hahaha I would've never thought of all those things to say to an obstetrician... I always thought giving birth seemed like such a wonderful thing. XD
Haha--all of these things apply to me too. Well, except for the penis part.
would be much harder to pop it outta a tube wit a p-hole. Just sayin'.
LMFAO
"For instance, I cannot shop at H&M, I cannot watch Lifetime, or
Lifetime Movie Network, or Oxygen, I cannot listen to Lady Gaga, and I
cannot under any circumstances eat tofu. These are things that my penis
restricts me from doing."
Not even funny.
that`s why i admire my mom.
i wonder how octo-mom feels?
All the reasons why I will never have children, even tho my anatomy says that I can. Just not my thing.
I'm a woman and I don't think I want to have a baby either. Doctors and nurses with their faces and hands near my crotch, pain, possible ripping (oye!), the possibility of shitting yourself while giving birth, needle in the spine, swollen feet, stretch marks, boob leakage, uncontrollable gas, morning or even all-day sickness, something feeding off my body like a parasite for 9 months, and loads more fun. Not thank you!
It makes adoption or surrogacy seem so much more...rewarding and enjoyable. haha but that's a typical tokophobe for you :P
i've always told my boyfriend that carrying a 5+ pound baby and going through hours of labor is a lot more painful than getting kicked in the balls. i understand it hurts but the pain isnt as drastic and extensive. and a womens vagina will never be the same again.
Wow. I like this post. It's very nice to hear a guy say women are better at doing something than men are [even though you didn't say that directly, it's basically the jist of it].
Just like you, I like to put things together, but I don't think I'd want to risk a baby's/my own life to give birth a lone. Hehe.
Awesome post.
Hahahhaha I am not looking forward to it. Men are lucky.
Me either. And I'm a female. I respect those that do go through all that horror, but for me...that's just not happening.
...Dude, I think your witness account of your aunt's delivery scarred you.
Well women are having MASSIVE orgasms from childbirth now. I saw a documentary a while back about it and it was on the news as well. How LEVEL would the playing field be if women just had one HUGE 1-19 hour orgasm instead of screaming in pain when they gave birth?
That would shut a lot of women the fuck up as far as bragging rights to the husband until THEY DIE about "i didnt go into labor so you could blah blah blah" or hold that shit over our heads -- even the girls who've YET to have kids brag about their ability to be able to do so... as if they are giant chickens and put that bun in the oven themselves.
And yeah I always think that when I hear of childbirth stories like.. you have 20 people starring into your cooch for hours at a time.. watching fluids shoot out of you, watching you defecate on yourself, taking photos, putting their whole HANDS inside of you and often CUTTING the bottom of your nono spot just so the head can fit through better? Christ... and they don't even know you... and YOU are paying THEM to do all of that. SO glad my old man's swimmers were carrying the Y Chromosome THAT'S for sure.
LOL great post.
wow. this is extremely deep thinking. sometimes, men really have got the greater deal than women. well, minus boobs.
LOL
very nice ;)
"For instance, I cannot shop at H&M..."
In England guys can... I know plenty of guys that love shopping at H&M (cheap clothes?)
With the birth of my firstborn, I will admit to having said a statement that was less than ideally charming; I stated that I had wished to see the father so that I could [and I used a more colorful language in the descriptive] tie two male-specific items together and stretch them to loop the mass over his left big toe.
It was rather difficult for those present in the room to maintain a straight face...
lol, this is hilarious! You know what though? When you're in that much pain you really don't care or even notice who is looking at your hoo-ha.
i'm a woman.. and I wish I didn't have to give birth.. ahhhhh
Ha, Amen. You have bitched and whined yourself to death by the second trimester anyway.
Hahahaha. You're hilarious.