Thursday, 30 July 2009

• Working at a Store That Sells Porn is Weird, Pt. 2

  Last time, I covered the Stereotypes. Those are the guys you pass on the street and just naturally think "I bet that guy is on his way to buy porn." But what you may be shocked to know is that there are also highly educated people, like doctors, who are porn connoisseurs. These guys are always fun to watch, because their smut-buying dance is considerably longer than the shameless Stereotypes. Instead of strutting right up to the porn section, the doctors will stumble around the store nervously, like a drunken drug dealer who just murdered his parents and then wandered into a police station. During their stuporous meanderings, they'll grab non-adult movies off the shelves, seemingly at random. When they finally make their  swoop into the porn section, they'll flip through the cases spastically, desperately trying to find the one that'll tickle their fancy before any judgmental eyes turn to them. Then they'll use the DVDs they yanked off the shelves earlier as padding. This leads to the final stage of the dance, where they bring their selections up to the counter and I pull the discs out of the drawers we keep them in. It's fun to see some of the combinations of random media they end up with. Bambi, Rocky III, The Ring, Anal Foot Midget Whores VIII, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Bambi II. It's good times.
  

  
  

  The final common porn-buyer is the old man. They prance back and forth on the fine line between endearingly pathetic and creepy, and their XXX tendencies are a weird mix between the stereotype and the doctor. They don't LOOK like the kind of person who would buy porn, largely because as a society we don't like to believe the old people still have genitals. I like to think they just fall off around 70. But apparently they DO still have some junk down there. And they like to touch it. Assumedly with an absurdly large amount of moisturizers, lubricants, and viagra. So the old guy comes in, strolls straight to the porn in much the same way the Stereotypes do, and then finds his effed up fetish of choice. I've noticed that old people almost never buy Hentai. (Note: For those not 'in the know,' Hentai is Japanese cartoon porn, often involving bondage, tentacle rape, foot sex, or any other number of fetishes. Often in exotic combinations that no god ever intended.) They just don't seem to understand the erotic qualities in a poorly translated cartoon about a huge-eyed, huge-breasted girl sobbing while getting ravaged by tentacle monsters dressed in nurse costumes. Doctors, on the other hand, eat that crap up like it's some kind of crazy Japanese sex-candy. Anyway, after the old man finds his jolly-maker, he'll often come up and ask you questions about it.  "Have you seen this one?" "Is it any good?" "How much oral is there in this one?" I'm a guy so it's not that bad, but they seem to enjoy interrogating the female employees even more. After they've made you squirm uncomfortably for about 30 minutes, they'll buy it, give you a cheerful farewell, and head out until the next time.

  
  

  My favorite old guy came into our store for the first time just a few days ago. He came up to the counter, all shriveled and cute and unassuming like a raisin with googly eyes glued on. I hadn't noticed what he'd been up to in the store up to that point, so I just sort of assumed he was about to ask me to help him find a movie. But instead, he handed me three DVD cases and asked if I could hold them behind the counter for him while he looked around the rest of the store. So I agreed. And then he handed me the cases, and I got to see what they were. The first was a girl with a strap-on anally penetrating a guy. The second was TWO girls with strap-ons anally penetrating a guy. And the third was a tranny with two guys. I'm assuming that one involved anal penetration at some point as well. Then he wandered behind the counter to where I'd put his precious porn aside and put his coat and hat next to them. He didn't check out for another hour or so. When he did, all he bought was his three porn DVDs and a blu-ray of Broke Back Mountain. So awesome.

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