Tuesday, 21 July 2009

• Will Smith is in Too Many Movies

   
  

  
  
  I love you, ya son of a b*tch, but you're in too many movies.
  
  See, I tend to get all of you mixed up sometimes. And then it just gets bad. So please, stay out of movies for a few years, so I can sort out all of this. Right now my brain has this storyline going on:
  
  1. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
  
  Our first taste of Will is that he's a wannabe gangsta little boy with big ears, living the Full-House-esque life in Bel Air, his life crowded with morals and positive themes. Okay. At least he's honest and up front with us. It's a nice, entertaining early 90's show that I never had much of a problem with.
  
  2. Men in Black
  
  

  
  

  
  I knew there was something fishy about this kid and his questionable hair! Now it turns out that Will Smith has abandoned his wannabe ghetto lifestyle, and traded his strange 90s hair for a pair of dark glasses and a black cloak. Hence the name 'men in black'. Oh, and he fights aliens.
  
  3. I, Robot
  
  

  
  

  
  Okay, so now we learn that somewhere during his wannabe ghetto lifestyle, Will Smith was in a devastating car accident in which he learns to hate robots. Oh, and somehow he lives in the past, present, and future. Now we learn that Will Smith is half robot, hates -other- robots, lives in Bel Air, fights aliens, and enjoys long, unnecessary nude shower scenes. Yeah, I know.
  
  4. Shark Tale
  
  

  
  

  
  Will Smith took a break and became a fish, presumably because Angelina Jolie was also a fish, and he thought he had a chance. There is no explanation of how he became a fish, or how he became a human once more, but one theory is that, due to the fact that he is a robot, he is a transformer as well. and he transforms into a fish.
  
  5. Hitch
  
  Though this man obviously has a robot-alien-90s ridden alibi, he manages to hide it as he takes on the next phase of life: becoming a dating consultant for excuses for men such as Kevin James. How his customers don't realize he's half robot, I fail to understand. Will shows his soft side to us, without experiencing any post-traumatic stress disorder, which I think would be imminent due to the fact that he used to fight ALIENS (and shared a screen with Michael Jackson?!). Yet, through this all, he holds his career together and manages to lead on a 5th gorgeous woman. Jealous? I would be.
  
  5. I Am Legend
  
  

  
  

  
  Apparently the dating scenario hasn't gone well for our hero, because somehow a virus spread through the entire world and he is now doomed to fight zombies. It shouldn't be too hard, because he's already practiced at fighting aliens/robots/sharks/Kevin James. Nevertheless, it does prove to be a struggle for him, as he dies at the end.
  
  6. Hancock
  
  

  
  

  
  Oh, but wait! You didn't really think Will would DIE, would you? Certainly never! He was only, uh, asleep. Never fear, for now he has superpowers and everyone is magically alive again. His spirits are dampened, because he did not manage to woo a woman in the last experience. This explains why he has a drinking problem, which doesn't hurt him, because he is a robot and alcohol doesn't damage his metal kidneys.
  
  7. Seven Pounds
  
  

  
  

  
  Regrettably, this is our parting movie with Will, so far. We see that Will is now pretending to be something he is not, which isn't too surprising. After all, being a superhero and having died once can't make you any less insecure. Will has given up his fish/robot/alien hunter/date doctor/wannabe/superhero/zombie killer career, and we hope he will take a break from his acting career as well.
  
  I love you, Will, but you confuse me, man! I haven't even listed a third of your movies here, and I'm already confused! I think we'd all appreciate it if you took a break. Until then, I will struggle to keep your characters apart in my brain.
  
  Do you know any actors who are in too many movies?

  • 6:07 PM
  • 2634 Views
  • 68 eProps
  • 38 Comments