Tuesday, 14 July 2009

• How To Get More Twitter Followers

   
  
  

  So there's this brand new website out there called "Twitter" where you show people how much more important you are than them by making sure you have more friends.  It's pretty much a simplified version of real life, where the person with more friends is more popular and therefore is able to get even MORE friends because their current friends run around telling everyone how amazing they are.  It's the well-known scenario of the rich getting richer and the poor sitting at home eating Ben & Jerry's and watching re-runs of Charmed and wishing they could start everything all over and this time they would be a doctor because doctors always have a lot of friends and never sit at home on Saturday nights eating Ben & Jerry's and watching re-runs of Charmed.
  
  So how does one become one of the popular Twitter...ers you ask?  Well lucky for you I have compiled a list of various ways to become the head cheerleader at Twitter High.
  
  

  Possibility 1: Be a Celebrity
  

  
  

  Becoming popular on Twitter is a lot like becoming popular in real life.  People aren't going to follow you if they don't know who you are.  That's why being a celebrity is your best bet for accruing a massive following of random internet strangers.  You don't even have to be an interesting or intelligent person, you just need people to go "Oh, William Hung, I've heard of him.  He must have thought-provoking political and philosophical viewpoints."  The reality is, you could just post bad knock-knock jokes all day and people would think you were the most ironic and hilarious person ever.  I mean even Helen Keller has almost 300 followers, and she's been dead since 1968.  Also I'm pretty sure she just pounds on the keyboard for a bit and then hits enter.
  
  
  

  Possibility 2: Be a Hot Chick
  
  

  The one downside to the celebrity approach is that people have to actually know your name to want to follow you.  The hot chick method, however, eliminates the necessity of familiarity.  Simply having a sexy photo of yourself as your profile pic will draw numerous males and lesbians to your page, following you instantly because somehow in the back of their minds they believe that through some strange series of twisted events you might actually end up meeting them in person and have the sudden urge to make sweet sweet love to them.  The greatest part about being a hot chick is that no one actually expects you to be smart, so if you are they are even more impressed.  But you should know they still don't care what they have to say.  They just want to see your boobs.  But at least you'll get thousands of followers who will hope that you'll get really drunk one night and post naked pictures of yourself.
  
  
  

  Possibility 3: Pretend to be a Celebrity/Hot Chick
  

  
  

  The greatest part about the internet is that you can be whoever you want to be.  It's like that lie your parents told you when you were growing up has finally come true!  Take this handsome gentleman you see pictured.  He has so much internet potential.  He might not be much, but on the internet he can be a brave warrior saving the world from warcraft or whatever, a bodybuilder who has slept with two thousand women, or a fourteen year old girl inviting her young peers over for cupcakes and oral sex.  As you can see, the possibilities are endless.  Twitter, being on the internet, is just like that.  You can be whoever you want and no one has to know the truth.  Michael Hofstra is the perfect example of Twitter masquerading gone very right.  In real life, Michael is a simple forklift operator for a large shipping company in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  You might know him, however, as THE_REAL_SHAQ, Twitter's tenth most popular profile.  Michael was able to keep his true identity secret through hard work, persistence, and the fact that Shaquille O'neill doesn't know how to use a computer.  Michael Hofstra is the perfect example of how pretending to be a celebrity can yield enormous popularity.
  
  
  

  Possibility 4: Have Hundreds of Thousands of Real Friends
  

  
  

  If this was the line to get into your birthday party last year, you shouldn't have any problem getting plenty of Twitter followers.  If you're likeable enough to have that many people show up for cake and ice cream then most of these people should follow you with relative ease.  Though if you do have hundreds of thousands of real friends your social life might be too busy to actually have a Twitter account.  In fact, what are you even doing on the internet when you have that many friends.  Isn't that the purpose of Twitter?  To make people feel better about themselves by having lots of random strangers listen to whatever they're rambling about?  So I guess this could work, but I don't see why you'd need it to.  Oh well.
  
  
  Pat Kearnan is a Mancouch writer and a [self-proclaimed] Twitter expert.  If you want to be Pat's fake internet friend you can follow him on Twitter here.
  
  

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