Wednesday, 08 July 2009

• I learned to Dry Hump From a Sabertoothed Tiger

  
  

  
  I am not the nostalgic type, and as a result, I do not bother carrying with me many memories after a 5 year period.  I'm not sure what that extra memory space is used for (probably padding for alcohol), but it certainly doesn't retain much from my childhood, and now I hardly remember events from high school.  So when I actually recall an event that happened in kindergarten, it is a real treat. 
  
  I remember back when I was in kindergarten, we took a school field trip to the La Brea tar pits, as I‘m sure most kids have if they live within 50 miles of LA.  One image in particular stood out in my mind.  It was a picture of a woolly mammoth sinking in tar while a saber-toothed tiger was attacking it on its back.  At the time, I thought it was the coolest thing ever.  I wanted to stand there all day admiring such a kickass piece of work, but unfortunately, the teachers were steering us like a bunch of sheep to the other exhibits.  On the way back on the bus, all I did was daydream about saber-tooth tigers attacking mammoths in tar pits.
  
  The next day at recess, I walked up to a girl and asked if she wanted to play saber-toothed tiger vs. woolly mammoth.  For whatever reason, she agreed.  Now, I don’t remember the nature of my  relationship with her, whether we were good friends or if it was just a random encounter.  Hell, I don’t even remember her name or what she looked like.  But what I can remember was that it felt really good when we were playing, especially “down there.”  I was reenacting the image I saw so I was mounting her on the back while she pretended to be stuck in tar.  At the time, I had no idea what sex or dry humping was.  All I knew was that saber-tooth tigers must have had a pretty damned good time back in the day.  But in hindsight, I was totally dry humping the poor girl.  Then again, I can’t really feel guilty because she always wanted to be the woolly mammoth, so who’s the freak now?
  
  I don’t know how often we played that game, but I do remember this one day when we were in the act, a second boy came up and asked if he could play too.  I didn’t think anything was wrong and she didn’t seem to mind, so we let him pounce right in.  So there we were, 2 boys growling and humping (er, I mean pouncing) and a girl making mammoth sounds (at least what we thought a mammoth would sound like) while writhing in the sand box.  I can’t begin to imagine what our play time looked like from a third-person perspective.  That was essentially my first threesome experience, before I even knew what it was.  Needless to say, when the horrified teacher caught us in what she probably mistook for an adult activity only an adult mind could imagine, she immediately pulled us apart.
  
  Teacher:  What do you think you three are doing!?!?!!?
  
  Us:  We were just playing saber-tooth tigers.
  
  Teacher:  Well why were you both on *insert girl’s name*?
  
  Us:  Because she’s the woolly mammoth.
  
  Teacher:  Well stop it.  If I catch any of you playing that again, you will get a time-out!
  
  As you can imagine, after that day of being threatened by the dreaded timeout, we never played saber-toothed tiger vs. woolly mammoth again.  Once we got out of kindergarten, we went to different schools and I never saw that girl again.  Eventually, my child mind moved onto bigger and better things like Star Wars and Legos and let her fade into oblivion.  To this day, I can’t help but smile at the idea that, somewhere out there, there’s a grown woman out there that remembers playing a woolly mammoth in kindergarten.
  
  

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