I never know what to do when my guy friends come to me asking if they should commit to their girlfriend.
This xkcd comic always comes to mind:
A buddy of mine recently asked me if he should propose to his girlfriend. I refused to give him my opinion, and he kept asking me anyway. Finally after listening to him talk about it FOREVER, I gave him my two cents: most of his fears sounded like something he would grow out of, so if he really liked her... he should propose. Otherwise if he had any doubts about her (not about marriage in general), he should walk away.
He took my advice to heart and proposed that night (argh). His girlfriend was so happy. But he started to get massive cold feet about her, and broke the engagement a month later. FML (and his too).
I've had to relearn that lesson many times: it's almost never a good idea to give relationship advice, even if your friend BEGS you repeatedly. The problem with relationships is that most of them fail. Even the ones that "work" (i.e. result in marriage) usually fail (i.e. end in divorce). As a result, being pro-relationship ever tends to backfire. Ever since my friend broke his engagement, he's stopped calling me (I'm sure he'll start again soon - this is just temporary and to be honest, I don't love to talk on the phone anyway).
My new strategy is to refuse to give advice... but if pressed, to take an anti-relationship position.
Buddy: "Should I propose to my girlfriend?"
Me: "Only if you're sure, and even then think twice."
Buddy: "I really feel like I should propose."
Me: "They say when you know, you just know. Do you know?"
Buddy: "Shit... I don't know."
Being anti-relationship is a great strategy. When the relationship blows up (as they almost inevitably seem to), you'll be on the "right" side. And if things do miraculously work out, it's not like you came out against the relationship... all you said was that, "When you know, you just know."
How about you: what do you say when your friends ask you for relationship advice?
Comments (17)
What I think is best.
I will have questions for them to answer, and then let them decide based on those questions. It's super hard to give advice when most people know deep down what the answer is...they just want a second opinion to back them up.
What kind of man asks their best friend if he should marry, if he loves her so much? Sounds like he wants to marry you instead.
reading that story, i have to say I'm glad he broke off the engagement because it doesn't sound like he loved her but only likes her. Marriage is a big commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly, so if my friend wants REAL advice from me, I would be pretty blunt about it and it's not just to be anti-relationship. I agree with the strategy of saying, "you know when its' the right time." But sometimes friends need a direct answer rather than a vague one coz they can interpret either way and have the possibility of choosing the wrong one out of pressure or for fear of "hurting" the girl's feeling.
But being blunt also depends on how close you are to your friend too.
People shouldn't force you for help anyways. They should just take "I don't want to get involved" as an answer. I'd just stop before I gave advice. "Do what you want" would be my last answer haha.
I've had a close guy friend of mine ask for my advice quite a bit this year.. And it was definitely something I was worried about. The girl was awesome and they had a lot in common, but she was straight-up crazy with her emotions. Obviously, there is some underlying issue in her life that she needs to work out. I gave my advice (basically, if you love her and you know she's worth it, you can work through her issues), and over the course of the next six months, he figured out that she wasn't going to change as long as they were together. He figured out that there wasn't any motivation for her to change for the better if he was just letting her come back after her blow-ups. I completely agree, but I think he came to that conclusion himself (with a little gentle prodding from me) and it is for the better. She was backing him into a corner for a commitment (i.e. a ring), and for him, that's just not the way to get him to make a decision. Yeah, he could've just caved and proposed, but then there definitely wouldn't be motivation to change. I don't know, I think advice needs to be carefully considered depending on the situation. With him, I've been very close to him since high school and I know him.. His girlfriend was very similar to me in mannerisms, so it seemed that I anticipated her every move. He's recovered quite well and is dating again.. It was a great learning experience for him.
mm. yeah; i think if the person is asking so much, its already evident that they dont have enough faith in their standing in the relationship. they should be talking to their other more than anyone else; i'll only go to my friends for advice like. idk. when i cant talk to my bf directly. once its been talked about with each other, i usually feel its sort of resolved. then i usually forget i even told my friends there was a problem - "oh right; solved ages ago."
You are so pessimistic.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - Agreed. That's exactly what I thought.
tell them to get real. or repeat exactly what they have said to me back to them. usually sounds different coming from someone else.
Rather cynical- but I suppose pessimism always was more accurate than optimism....
I just tell them that I don't know what advice to give, as most of my past relationships have failed horribly and I am a bit screwed up in the head. That usually is sufficient to get them off my back about advice.
Boy am I glad people don't come to me for relationship advice! Usually, if given the chance, I refer to one of my other friends who is alot more knowledgeable in those subjects.
I just let the person know what my best advice is on the situation, but let them know that no matter what anyone says, they should follow their heart and pray about it.
Lol, .. do we really know when is the time to propose? I think it is just the time when you feel like you should do it. Why not if you have prepare good for the future.
That's th ebest policy my friend. I'm actually pretty okay at giving relationship advice because I'm the neutral point of view, unbiased opinion. But I don't give opinions about serious relationship issues. If my friend ever asked me if he should propose to his girlfriend, I'd say, "Why the hell would you ask me that? You idiot, shouldn't that be up to you? Do you have no mind?" Sometimes the questions they ask are stupid and subjective...
@eucharis12@xanga - That sounds like my friend and his ex. He cheated on her and that ended the relationship, I thought that would be the end of her but geez he put so much importance on her and whatever they still had after that. Eventually I got fed up and told him to shut up and get the fuck over it.