Friday, 03 July 2009

• CAWK-BLOCK: The Manifesto

  It's high time someone addressed a problem that has been plaguing mankind--yes, mankind--for generations. That someone will be me, and that problem is the infamous cockblock.
  
  

  
  

  
  This move is, in fact, specific to males: women have no cocks to be blocked, and instead struggle with the dreaded clam-jam. What follows is an in-depth exploration into what constitutes a cockblock, how to avoid cock-blocking, and general rules to follow when the possibility of a cockblock is high.
  
  Before we go into what a cockblock looks like, I'll explain what it is.
  
  Cock-block (n) (CAWK-blAWK) -- The act of intercepting female attention away from a friend who is actively pursuing said female.
  
  That definition may not be quite perfect, so I'll explain a little more. To be fair to the potential cockblocker, the act of getting female attention away from a friend may not necessarily be a cockblock. This is essential, kids, so listen up: The most important piece to our definition is the idea of active pursuit. If there is no active pursuit by the cockblockee, it is not a cockblock. I'll give an example of both cases.
  
  Example 1: Morty has a huge crush on Francine. He has her phone number (never dialed), screen name (never double-clicked). He is Facebook friends with her, but doesn't contact her. He mainly checks her pictures. Leroy, Morty's best friend, is at a party with Francine and Morty. Francine starts flirting with Leroy, who undoubtedly responds. Francine gives Leroy her phone number, and Leroy responds with a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Morty freaks out, storms out of the party, and vows to murder Leroy.
  
  Sorry, Morty, but you haven't been cockblocked. How long have you been sitting on this girl's info without using it once? Let's start over and see what variables must be changed in order for Morty's rage to be justified.
  
  Example 2: Everybody knows that Morty really digs this girl, Francine. They've been hanging out pretty frequently for the past month. They talk online often, they text each other constantly. But for some reason, his friend Leroy is always there when they hang out. Leroy begins making his own plans with Francine, but always remembers to send a late invitation to Morty. Moreover, whenever the three of them hang out, Leroy never ceases mocking Morty about his appearance, his tastes, everything. Anything, really, to get a laugh out of Francine. Morty can't stand this feeling so he often removes himself from situations that involve either Francine or Leroy, and he almost always avoids situations with the two of them together.
  
  Example 2 is a very common example of the cockblock. It involves a friend--one who is aware of his friend's crush and active pursuit--overstepping the boundaries of both friendship and the unspoken male agreement that you do not play games over women.
  
  

  
  Blatant cockblocking.
  

  
  I know what you're thinking. Some of this is absurdly barbaric, as it seemingly disregards the identity of woman as human being and not object. But I must stress the fact: when a male (friend, enemy, or otherwise) steps into another male's "game" (see: pursuit), he is creating a situation of animalistic, predatory aggression. This contest is even more aggravated when the "other" male is the pursuer's friend, who most likely knows about the pursuer's feelings towards the girl.
  
  All of that is incredibly dense and incomprehensible. What I'm trying to say is that when a guy likes a girl and someone steps in, it's frickin' on. Moreover, if that someone is a friend, then it goes deeper and more vicious than it ever would normally. It breaks any bond of trust between friends, it generally works out against the original pursuer, and it's just generally a dick move, literally and figuratively.
  
  So, all of this raises a question:
  
  What constitutes a cockblock?
  
  

  
  

  
  It's a good question, and a very important one. How can you speak to a girl that your friend digs without getting him pissed off? Moreover, and perhaps more importantly, how do you deal with pursuing the same girl that your friend has "called"?
  
  A cock-block is, as we've established, almost any act of flirting with the girl that your friend has expressed feelings about. Generally, if a friend has tried for a long time and failed repeatedly, you can step in--but only when your friend has given the green light. And there's no whining here, gents: permission is permission is permission.
  
  Things to keep in mind:
  
  1. Intentional flirting is most certainly cock-blocking.
  2. Making fun of your friend in front of the girl he likes is most certainly cockblocking.
  3. Bragging, depending on the extent and nature of the brag, can be cockblocking.
  4. Going around your friend to initiate a relationship with the girl he likes (platonic relationship or otherwise) is pretty much cockblocking. Anything can turn into a sexual relationship instantly.
  
  What should you do as the third wheel in a flirtfest? You have one of the most important roles a guy must play in his life, and if you're good at it you will be greatly rewarded with karma and other such goodies: you must play the wingman.
  
  

  
  

  RIP Goose, the World's Finest Wingman.
  

  
  Now, being a wingman doesn't mean you won't get some lovin' yourself. Some of the best wingmen are in relationships, or have been with many girls in their time. To be a good wingman, you must play up your friend without drawing attention to yourself. But this doesn't mean you have to be dry or boring. Just not around constantly. A good wingman does his work and then bolts, onto his own pursuits. If you can't help your friend get girls, then don't be around. It's better to be gone than be a cockblocker. Here's a perfect example of Goose and Maverick's tag-team of seduction:
  
  
  
  So, that's pretty much my manifesto on cockblocking. It's cruel, it's vicious, and it's uncool. Guys should never cockblock their friends. If your friend has not actively pursued, give him the option to step up his game or move out of the way. It's just plain courteous.
  

  That's all. Any questions?
  

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