Thursday, 02 July 2009

• BAR FIGHT: Cap'n Crunch vs. Captain Morgan

  The notion of "pirates" has gone through some dramatic makeovers in the past few years. At the start of the 21st century, pirates were jeopardizing the capitalist system by undermining online competition and supply-and-demand, downloading music illegally via programs like Napster and Limewire. A few years later, Disney commandeered the whole pirate thing and started a bizarre pop culture phenomenon in which tween girls were worshipping a drunken clown in heavy makeup and boots--no, not Britney: Johnny Depp's mildly effeminate Captain Jack Sparrow. Finally, this spring ushered in a momentary panic over the only real pirates in today's world: the Somali pirates who hijack cruise liners, merchant ships, and any non-military vehicles in order to plunder the loot they carry--or hold the crew hold until a ransom is paid.
  
  

  
  

  "If I say I'm doing it for my kids, no one will accuse me of selling out..."
  

  
  But the hysteria over Somali pirates died down after the hyperpatriotic-cum-psuedofascistic reaction to the shooting of 3 pirates by US Navy Seals. Even though they're still hijacking vessels across the seas (Belgian hostages taken in April were released just a few days ago), the Somali pirates lack the romantic appeal of swashbuckling rogues like Captain Blood. It gets a little awkward when the discussion of Somali pirates ultimately leads to the role of Western globalization and the exploitation of the third-world by capitalist imperialism...a touchy subject, to be sure. Some of the only people with the cajones to talk about it were Trey Parker and Matt Stone, ending this past season of South Park with a hilariously disturbing analysis of the Somali pirate craze.
  
  Through all of these fluctuations in pirate PR, however, two buccaneers have remained impervious to criticism or derision: Cap'n Crunch and Captain Morgan. The former is renowned for his numerous victories over Jean LaFoote and the Soggies, the latter for his legendary thirst.
  
  My question to you: Who would win in a swordfight: Cap'n Crunch, or Captain Morgan?
  

  
  

    VS 
  "IT'S CRUNCHTIME MOTHERF*&@ER!"                                         "I HAVE A SWORD, B&%$#!"
  

  
  While at first you may reasonably think it's Captain Morgan, keep in mind that he comes from a posh background in Wales, and may have become a pirate just for the glamor. And while Captain Morgan may have a longer reach, we've learned from GoldenEye 007 that the smallest guys often have the best advantage.
  
  
  

  
  

  "No Oddjob! No Oddjob!"
  

  
  Who will win this legendary swashbuckle?!? My money is on this guy.
  
  

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