Friday, 26 June 2009

• Letters to an Historical Bad Ass: Ned Kelly

  Remember to leave your suggestions for next week's featured Bad Ass!! This week, we write our thanks to Ned Kelly, Australian's own John Rambo.
  
  

  
  

  He's got 99 problems but a beard ain't one.
  

  
  Dear Mr. Kelly,
  
  First of all, let me just say that I am totally shocked I knew so little about you before I wrote this post. In fact, I knew nothing about you. Only when @MOOOOOOF@xanga said you were a "bushranger" was my interest piqued, and as soon as I read that you assaulted a guy named "Ah Fook," I knew that you, sir, were an historical goldmine of badassery. So Ned Kelly, Australian bushranger and anticolonialist outlaw, this one's for you.
  
  When you were sixteen years old, you not only stole a colonial postmaster's horse but proceeded to ride--like a horse--the policeman who tried to arrest you. The coolest thing I did when I was sixteen was...get a driver's license. You, on the other hand, were pulling GTAs on every horse and cow in Australia!
  
  Your life was spent like an Australian Robin Hood, minus the giving back to the poor. It seems like all you wanted to do, all you did, was make life impossible for the colonial authorities. You and your gang of outlaws murdered enough constables in your twenty-six years on Earth to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies and prove to your fellow countrymen that resistance was possible. They hated you so much that your head was used after a paperweight after your execution. It's no wonder you're a folk hero in Australia: being a Bad Ass is heroic.
  
  In my opinion, the coolest shit I've ever heard is that you and your gang built your own suits of armor, kicking ass in almost a full hundred pounds of plated steel. The police thought you were superhuman because you could literally deflect bullets. That is so frickin' cool!
  
  

   
  

  
  Well, Ned, for what it's worth I think you did the right thing. You terrorized the people who had terrorized your family and your people for too long. They drew first blood, you could say, and they got what was coming to 'em. When that Constable black-balled you, you had every right to shoot him down. I mean, damn. Black-balling? Yeeeeeesh.
  
  It's a shame they've failed so hard at making a solid movie of your life. It seems like biopics are the only way for people to discover historical figures like you. One day, if I'm a big movie producer, I'll see that your life story gets made into a movie, because, let's face it: you're just as cool as William Wallace or Rob Roy or any of those guys.
  
  Thank you, Ned Kelly, for demonstrating the badassery of rebellion against the state, especially when that state has been screwing with your family. From assaulting Ah Fook to your hanging, you were a shining example of a bad ass.
  
  Admiringly yours,
  Will
  

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