Friday, 19 June 2009

• Top 4 Reasons I Will Not Care For The New Transformers Movie

  
  

  
  So right now all the big movie news is about The Hangover, but it will no doubt turn shortly to become focused on Transformers 2. This is my third "I Will Not Care For" article and for the first time I am discussing a film I actually will not care for. In all honesty, I could probably go 10 reasons right now, but in the interest of some level of brevity and my own sanity I will keep it to the typical 4. I could probably spend all 10 reasons on the trailer alone, but once again, I'm trying to stay sane and to not bore you.
  
  4) The First 10 Seconds of the Trailer
  
  In the first 10 seconds of the trailer Shia Labeouf tells Bumblebee he's going to college. Bumblebee, of course, plays the song "I'm So Excited" followed by Shia telling him that he's not bringing him along. A lot of people have already focused on the utter stupidity of the supposed attempt at humor that is playing "I'm So Excited" so I'm not really going to touch on that here except that I don't even understand why that's supposed to be funny or why anyone would ever choose to put something like that on film ever.
  
  More importantly, what is upsetting to me about this first 10 seconds is that he's not bringing Bumblebee to college. What? Why? In what world does that make sense? "Oh, I'm off to college now. I better not bring my brand new car that can be any GM car I want and is also an awesome transforming giant robot that shoot lasers. Yea, I better leave that at home." That makes no sense! Well, maybe it's the GM thing, but really he can turn into any car ever, it's just GM is paying the movie lots of taxpayer dollars so whatever car you pick better be a GM. But still New Car + Giant Transforming Robot = Awesome. Especially at college. So New Car + Giant Transforming Robot + College = Sex your way too hot for you girlfriend from home never has to know about. Besides did I mention that its a brand new car and a giant transforming robot. Why would you ever want to be without that in your life? Especially college!
  
  3)  No Matter How Hard You Try To Remove Megan Fox's Shirt With Your Mind, It's Not Going To Happen
  
  We all love Megan Fox. She's gorgeous and is essentially just there for everyone to gawk at her ass. But guess what kiddies, the movie is PG-13. So that means no boobies. So enjoy half of the movie that's going to be a photoshoot of Megan Fox's chest fully clothed.
  
  2) What Michael Bay Thinks Passes For Humor
  
  It was recently reported in Empire Magazine's review of the movie that there will be robot testicles in this movie. I shit you not. Robot ... testicles. Why? Apparently in the middle of the climatic fight there is a shot of one of the movie's villains made up of several construction vehicles called The Devastator where the camera tilts up his body and yep, that's right, two dangling wrecking balls. I would laugh sarcastically here, but exactly how does one carry that out in print?
  

  
  Other things Michael Bay thinks are funny? Dogs humping, robots humping humans' legs, and John Turturro in a g-string. That's right, folks these are the puerile things Michael Bay sees as humorous. Michael, come over here for a second. We need to have a talk. Good. You feeling comfy? You want me to get you anything? You want a soda? Everything's good? Ok, great then. Well, I need to inform you about these things in your movie that you think are funny. THEY'RE NOT FUCKING FUNNY! STOP IT! STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I'D HONESTLY PREFER IF YOU JUST WALKED ON SCREEN AND MADE FART SOUNDS OUT OF YOUR ARMPIT FOR 90 MINUTES LIKE LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY!
  
  1) That's Right, You Guessed It: Michael Bay
  
  Perhaps the worst director working today (except maybe for Uwe Boll). This is a man who has done more than any other single man in the history of cinema to destroy movies as we know them. Michael Bay came along in the 1990s as a director with absolutely nothing to say, but a lot of shit to blow up. And this would all be fine and good if it didn't eventually infect the entire movie industry. You see, studios suddenly realized they could make boatloads of money without having to put all that effort into silly things like "plot", "characterization", "dialogue", "themes", and just about everything else that makes a movie a movie. All they had to do was string together a collection of action movie cliches and blow shit up and cha-ching. Ask Michael Bay for a plot and he'll just start making a bunch of explodey noises. This is something South Park has pointed out already.
  
  Look, I understand that it's Transformers. The point is to make a super big toy/car/military commercial about giant robots fighting each other. You don't exactly need Scorcese to direct, but we can do better than Michael Bay. A man who was given a project and told make robots fight each other and gave us two hours of puny humans talking and whining and generally talking in cliches about shit that in no way made me care for them and just made me wonder why they were in the movie in the first place. Instead he gave us robots urinating on people. We get 2 hours of absolute nonsense followed by 10 minutes of splodey shit. The whole reason they hired Bay is that he does splodey shit. It wasn't for his comedic chops or ability to make flesh and blood characters which he showed he's clearly incapable of. Call me crazy, but I'd like a movie called Transformers to actually be about Transformers. And only a tool would think flames on Optimus Prime would make him look cooler. They guy is a giant truck that turns into a kick ass giant robot, that's what makes him cool! Not douchey flames.

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