So right now all the big movie news is about The Hangover, but it will no doubt turn shortly to become focused on Transformers 2. This is my third "I Will Not Care For" article and for the first time I am discussing a film I actually will not care for. In all honesty, I could probably go 10 reasons right now, but in the interest of some level of brevity and my own sanity I will keep it to the typical 4. I could probably spend all 10 reasons on the trailer alone, but once again, I'm trying to stay sane and to not bore you.
4) The First 10 Seconds of the TrailerIn the first 10 seconds of the trailer Shia Labeouf tells Bumblebee he's going to college. Bumblebee, of course, plays the song "I'm So Excited" followed by Shia telling him that he's not bringing him along. A lot of people have already focused on the utter stupidity of the supposed attempt at humor that is playing "I'm So Excited" so I'm not really going to touch on that here except that I don't even understand why that's supposed to be funny or why anyone would ever choose to put something like that on film ever.
More importantly, what is upsetting to me about this first 10 seconds is that he's not bringing Bumblebee to college. What? Why? In what world does that make sense?
"Oh, I'm off to college now. I better not bring my brand new car that can be any GM car I want and is also an awesome transforming giant robot that shoot lasers. Yea, I better leave that at home." That makes no sense! Well, maybe it's the GM thing, but really he can turn into any car ever, it's just GM is paying the movie lots of taxpayer dollars so whatever car you pick better be a GM. But still New Car + Giant Transforming Robot = Awesome. Especially at college. So New Car + Giant Transforming Robot + College = Sex your way too hot for you girlfriend from home never has to know about. Besides did I mention that its a brand new car and a giant transforming robot. Why would you ever want to be without that in your life? Especially college!
3) No Matter How Hard You Try To Remove Megan Fox's Shirt With Your Mind, It's Not Going To HappenWe all love Megan Fox. She's gorgeous and is essentially just there for everyone to gawk at her ass. But guess what kiddies, the movie is PG-13. So that means no boobies. So enjoy half of the movie that's going to be a photoshoot of Megan Fox's chest fully clothed.
2) What Michael Bay Thinks Passes For HumorIt was recently reported in
Empire Magazine's review of the movie that there will be robot testicles in this movie. I shit you not. Robot ... testicles. Why? Apparently in the middle of the climatic fight there is a shot of one of the movie's villains made up of several construction vehicles called The Devastator where the camera tilts up his body and yep, that's right, two dangling wrecking balls. I would laugh sarcastically here, but exactly how does one carry that out in print?
Other things Michael Bay thinks are funny? Dogs humping, robots humping humans' legs, and John Turturro in a g-string. That's right, folks these are the puerile things Michael Bay sees as humorous. Michael, come over here for a second. We need to have a talk. Good. You feeling comfy? You want me to get you anything? You want a soda? Everything's good? Ok, great then. Well, I need to inform you about these things in your movie that you think are funny. THEY'RE NOT FUCKING FUNNY! STOP IT! STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY! I'D HONESTLY PREFER IF YOU JUST WALKED ON SCREEN AND MADE FART SOUNDS OUT OF YOUR ARMPIT FOR 90 MINUTES LIKE LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY!
1) That's Right, You Guessed It: Michael BayPerhaps the worst director working today (except maybe for Uwe Boll). This is a man who has done more than any other single man in the history of cinema to destroy movies as we know them. Michael Bay came along in the 1990s as a director with absolutely nothing to say, but a lot of shit to blow up. And this would all be fine and good if it didn't eventually infect the entire movie industry. You see, studios suddenly realized they could make boatloads of money without having to put all that effort into silly things like "plot", "characterization", "dialogue", "themes", and just about everything else that makes a movie a movie. All they had to do was string together a collection of action movie cliches and blow shit up and cha-ching. Ask Michael Bay for a plot and he'll just start making a bunch of explodey noises.
This is something South Park has pointed out already. Look, I understand that it's Transformers. The point is to make a super big toy/car/military commercial about giant robots fighting each other. You don't exactly need Scorcese to direct, but we can do better than Michael Bay. A man who was given a project and told make robots fight each other and gave us two hours of puny humans talking and whining and generally talking in cliches about shit that in no way made me care for them and just made me wonder why they were in the movie in the first place. Instead he gave us robots urinating on people. We get 2 hours of absolute nonsense followed by 10 minutes of splodey shit. The whole reason they hired Bay is that he does splodey shit. It wasn't for his comedic chops or ability to make flesh and blood characters which he showed he's clearly incapable of. Call me crazy, but I'd like a movie called Transformers to actually be about Transformers. And only a tool would think flames on Optimus Prime would make him look cooler. They guy is a giant truck that turns into a kick ass giant robot, that's what makes him cool! Not douchey flames.
nprospect
Comments (38)
Dude. It's a movie. Chill.
I have a feeling they have to use Michael Bay because he's the only director that can get enough funding for the insane amount of CG they need.
Get off Uwe Boll's nuts.
Got a few points there, but going for cheap humour is to be expected. Transformers started as a comic book, and who better to read comic books than children? Slapstick comedy is where it's at. Seeing a robot get happy then crushed is par for the course on the way to laughter.
No nude boobies??
Now, that's real sad.
haha I'm still seeing it
Lol. All those reasons are terrible. I'm glad I take Mancouch posts as a joke.
@storiesandsinker@xanga - lol
i'm quite excited for the 2nd movie. i watched transformer as a kid and i'm gonna continue watching it.
I get what you're saying. I saw the first Transformers a few times. I tried to like it, but I couldn't. The humor essentially just sucked, and from what you're saying, the second movie sounds worse than the first!
I love transformers. I loved the first one, and excited to see this one too!
i'm not that excited for it either. =P
I didn't see too much of a problem with it.
People expect too much from movies. Don't set the bar so high and you'll find yourself enjoying life more.
- John
to all the bloggers who posted on mancouch today: please don't come back if you're going to keep complaining about anything you wish
I saw the film today in theaters, and it wasn't worth the price of the ticket, but it was worth a watch just for the effort put into it.
ahah robot balls, I wonder what they carry?
bumblebee is cute though. im going to watch it.
I liked the first one. And not every movie has to have boobs in it. A lot of younger kids still like transformers, so it would kind of suck for them a lot if they weren't able to get in. Not every child is daring enough for the whole "buy a ticket for a different movie, then sneak into the one you want to see" move.
I agree with @The_Aftershock_3650@xanga . Expect a lot less, and then you'll be a lot happier with the movies.
And I'm sure the Transformers 2 movie makers won't miss one person not going. You're not going to change anything haha.
As I say in everything you write.
You don't care to see any movies coming out.
Geez dude fucking relax and enjoy a god damn movie. you aint a paid critic. So stop acting like one.
Not to mention 2009 has had some of the BEST movies in theater in a long time!
dude. i fucking love transformers.
don't knock it!
:P
Um, yeah. It's a summer action movie. Why do you expect so much? The whole point is, people are looking sexy, shit's getting blown up, and the good guys save the day. That's what action movies do. Get over it.
First off i just wanted to know, is it lonely up there on your pedestal. It is? Yeah i kinda thought so. Im just so sick of all you lil self-righteous basement critics who sit there an bitch an whine about films like you're Martin Scorsese. All your complaints are so petty. Yes i agree Michael Bay is one of the worst directors out there...most of us know that. But to sit there an complain because you cant see Megan Fox's tits in a movie that used to be a childrens cartoon, is beyond retarded. Did you really think it was gonna be "R" rated??? Cmon man. I dont know what you expected from this movie. He took a cartoon that was made in the 80's (1984 to be exact) an turned it into a feature film, do you know how to do that? I didnt think so. The fact that you write blogs (not articles, as you call them) titled "I will not care for" just makes you look like an arrogant douchebag. Quite frankly, i dont give a good goddamn what you will an will not care for. An i dont think anyone else does either. Like Joe the bartender says, Its just a movie, chill!
I dont think I will be going to see it, however those who want to see/watch it enjoy it.
Michael Bay isn't a bad director. He's just totally uninspired and cliche. That's not too uncommon in Hollywood these days.
i'm not going to watch either. Didn't even watch the first transformers. I'll just wait for a worthwhile movie to spend $30 on. (me+gf+popcorn+drinks)
I'm going to go see it and think of you. (Not really because I have a life and realize that it's JUST a movie!)
But I'll be sure to pass on the message that everyone should make movies from now on by your standards alone.
The first movie was just as bad. The only good it did was sky rocket Megan Fox's tits into the Hollywood blogosphere.