Wednesday, 17 June 2009

• All Men Are Born Manly, But Some Are More Than Others

  I always found the "What a Real Man Is" lists to be kind of ridiculous.  Everyone born with a penis and an XY chromosome is a man.
  
  

  
  (Ed's note: We added this picture, under the assumption that Homer has got the goods under the fig leaf.)
  

  
  I think a more practical system would be a point scale.  The more Man Points you acquire, the more manly you are compared to the rest of us.  Here are some examples:
  
  1)  +1000 Man Points if you have killed something of equal or greater size than yourself.  My friend's uncle loves going on exotic hunting trips and one time, he tried to shoot an elephant at long range.  Unfortunately, if you don't kill it instantly, it can charge at you FAST, which he found out the hard way.  As the elephant charged up to him and commenced stomping and breaking his bones, he managed to squeeze one shot into the animal's chest, killing it.  As the beast toppled over, its body folded into a shape that just barely spared crushing him to death under its massive weight.  That surely deserves some Man Points.
  
  2)  +5 points if you make out with a chick(a guy if you are gay).  Under no circumstances is a heterosexual male allowed to make out with another male.  It doesn't matter if you are offered obscene amounts of money, if it's a bet, or if two girls dare you to do it and then they'll make out with each other too.  When two girls make out with each other, it's +20 Hotness points for them.  If two guys kiss, it's -100 Man Points.
  
  3)  -10 Man Points for watching a chick flick.  Being "forced to" by your girlfriend or watching to "see what all the fuss is about" are not valid excuses.  To make up for these violations, you need to repent by doing the Man Hail Mary in the form of watching a Rambo movie 20 times for each chick flick you see.
  
  4)  +5 points if you can body slam someone and add +1 points for every pound over your own weight.  Body slamming small children and/or midgets is perfectly valid.
  
  5)  +21 points for doing a 21 Gun Salute, which is drinking 21 shots of hard liquor at once.  Usually, this is done on your 21st bday, but if you are hardcore, you can do it just for the hell of it.
  
  6)  +1 point if you have a friend that has been shot.  +100 points if you have been shot yourself and +100 more points for each bullet you took.  I have a friend that got shot 3 times and let me tell you, he makes the ultimate wingman stories.  Chicks dig guys with scars.
  
  7)  +25 points if you have been in a fight and won.  Anybody can get into fights and lose.  It takes a special caliber of man to actually win fights.
  
  8)  -50 points for intentional cockblocking.  Nobody likes a cockblocker, so don't do it you jerk.
  
  9)  +25 points if you give a girl a bizarre orgasm.  By bizarre I mean she pees the bed, bites her lip bloody, or shivers for half an hour.
  
  10)  -25 points for holding a girl's purse.  Minus an additional 25 if that girl isn't even your gf.
  

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