While I'm
not ready to date, I'm definitely ready to have sex again. This is my new dilemma, because for me to have sex with someone I need to have a relationship with them. Okay, he doesn't have to be my boyfriend and we don't have to be in love, but I do need to have some sort of friendship between us. A certain level of comfort and trust.
Unfortunately, I don't have a friend to fill this roll and even if I did I just gave birth to a baby nearly two months ago. I have a new body shape and stretchmarks that I'm uncomfortable with someone seeing. From everything I've heard from other women the first few times after giving birth are not altogether pleasant. I've been told it's better to have sex with someone you feel comfortable with and blah, blah, blah.
So I asked my husband, who I am in the process of divorcing.
If you
read my last post, you'd know it's his choice to split, not mine. I put it across very clearly: in no way did I think that sleeping together would somehow bring us back together or change the situation in any sort of way. It would just be sex, plain and simple. I am capable of doing that with him. I just need someone I feel comfortable with (and despite everything I still feel comfortable with him and I still trust him). He turned me down.
Ex: "I'm not going to have sex with you, because that will complicate things."
Me: "Not for me."
Ex: "Well it will complicate things for me."
Me: "Why? Because you're already sleeping with someone else?"
Ex: "No, I am not sleeping with someone else. Or seeing anyone else. I haven't had sex since we split. It's because we're getting a divorce!"
Me: "So? It's just sex, ex. Clearly you're capable of having sex with someone you don't love. You apparently did it for three years of our relationship. But whatever, I'm not going to beg you." He acted so offended that I would even bring it up. Which, why should I really be surprised? Everything I do or say these days pisses him off and offends him in some way. My presence in a room is offensive to him.
So there are several questions that stem from this whole dialogue between us, the first being what does his refusal really mean, if anything at all?
Does it mean:
- He has feelings that he is repressing and sexing me up would bring them to the surface?
- Does it mean that he is sleeping with someone new and doesn't want to complicate that relationship by sleeping with the wife he is supposed to be divorcing?
Is it common for men to NOT want to sleep with their exes when it is so blatantly being offered to them with no emotional strings attached?
Comments (51)
no strings attached eh? so why you so concerned about "what he's really thinking" even when he just says no?
Honestly I think you should just move on and try and get a new friendship with someone else and just have a fling or something.
He doesn't want to have sex with you because that is what you used to do when you were together. I expect he is worried about being drawn back into a relationship with you because even though he wants a divorce, it doesn't mean there aren't any residual feelings still there.
most guys i know have turned down sex with an ex...
"Is it common for men to NOT want to sleep with their exes when it is so
blatantly being offered to them with no emotional strings attached?"
yeah, you're being a little disgusting here.
... you're over-reading into this: he doesn't feel comfortable doing such because the relationship is at an end. Whether he is going out with someone else simply cannot be determined with this information alone.
move on and find someone else to get comfortable with.
@john@xanga - Indeed. (And people wonder why I don't want my boyfriends to be friends with their exes?... Hello!!!)
He might just not want to have sex with you. Maybe he doesn't find you physically attractive anymore. It happens. He's not going to tell you that but I can.
Another possibility is he might think you're lying about not using the sex to bring you guys closer and back together. People lie. Women lie to men and use sex to get what they want all the time.
One choice you have is to break your rule of not having sex with someone unless
you know them. Seems a little silly if there are no strings attached.
guys are afraid it's a ploy by the women to get them back- and since guys are ruled by their little head, having sex with the Ex may shake their resolve to move on, perhaps mistaking the guilt and the ( yeah) momentary pleasure for something else
yeah he might think it's a plan to get him back..
or just that it's a territory he doesn't want to venture back into...perhaps he feels guilt for the divorcing u..and the baby:(
no sex with ex plz!
From a girl perspective... it also may happen that he may have anger towards you, and therefore doesn't want pleasure from you. I would deal with the issues he's dealing with from the past relationship before you jump on top. (even if he had said yes, I still advise this) Divorce is messy, hurtful, and frustrating. And divorce means that you both gave up on trying to make it work. Letting go of that may be hurtful to him as well.
After my fiance and I broke up, we continued to have sex right up until I left the state. Even though there were, "no strings attached" it made us both connect again without meaning too. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, because I still care for him, I don't want him to die or anything... but he was my first everything.... and that has some baggage that I still carry with me today because I didn't let it go.
Just some thoughts from a "been there" mind
Heather Goose
Hookers are more fun to have sex with. Plus the surprise STD is always wonderful
i would LIKE to have sex with my current ex. but i don't think i could, if he was sleeping with someone else or already had sex with someone else.
xo
This is really interesting... because I just got out of a three-year relationship in February (also know that I'm eighteen), and me and my ex are attempting to be friends. Or at least, hang out once a week to keep in touch. It's the second time he's brought up wanting to be, "friends with benefits" because he's craving sex and only wants me because well, he's comfortable with me. However, I'm not getting any from somewhere else and I am simply, "content."
I don't really know my explanation, either.
We need to hook up.
Get a vibrator.
@lauraliuu@xanga - I second that.
Everything I do or say these days pisses him off and offends him in some way. My presence in a room is offensive to him.
why do you want to screw this guy, again? you deserve better.
Maybe. Just maybe. He doesn't want to have sex with you.
I really think you need to move on. Let your ex do the same.
I think they pretty much said it: sex with ex=not okay.
@atmaster@xanga - agreed. men can be pigs....but that's really pushing it.
find someone else and start new. you say no emotional strings attached, but why are u wondering why he doesnt wanna have sex with you? if he doesnt want it, then just move on. its not strange for him to not having sex with someone hes going to divorce.
just find a bed buddies.