Tuesday, 16 June 2009

• Love in the Time of Economic Cholera: Recession-Proof Dating

  How many times have you had to bite your tongue as a girl exclaims the same old lamentation we've heard for decades: "Chivalry is dead!"? As someone who prides himself on being what is at least the approximation of a Southern gentleman, I am constantly offended by women hatin' on all men for the attitudes and actions of a few. I know we live in a post-Sex and the City America, but, ladies, give us a break: it's hard to be a gentleman in this economic climate! We can barely afford to buy your dinner, much less lavish you with gifts of the finest silks and furs!

  Gents, we have to restore our honor and dignity. It's our duty to assure womankind that, no, chivalry is not dead; it's just broke as hell.

  
  

  The lack of funds has an effect on our game. It's hard enough to ask a girl out, but now that we can't take her out, there's a whole lot of guilt, too. I've always felt that going on a date is sort of like a bizarre, primal investment: in exchange for this movie ticket, you will take me into consideration as a candidate for mating. For the shy among us, the purchase of that ticket says "It's on." Buying the ticket, the dinner, the drinks: it's a signal that we're no longer "hanging out" but "on a date." Without the buying power necessary to "treat," guys are unable to woo: unwooed, women return to their friends and report on what seems to be the most logical cause for their disappointment: "Chivalry is dead!"

  So that's the problem for us guys. We can't properly woo anymore. While there is the temptation to return to earlier, more animalistic rituals, we must instead evolve, adapt to our environment and reinvent the entire notion of chivalry. As gentlemen, we must defend the values of honor and decency against the rising tide of desperation! We must hold fast to romance, for love, above all else, is recession-proof!

  Here's how to do it.
  

  The Movie Date

  So you've asked this girl to a movie, right? Well done, sir! The hard part, believe it or not, is over. By now she probably knows whether or not she's willing to do anything, so all you've gotta do is convince her whether or not she's right about her decision.

  So you're outside the movie theater, sweet. She's lookin' good, you brushed your teeth and put on some deodorant, and you're both psyched to be here. Perfect. Except...it costs $12.50?! That's more than an hour's-worth of work for a lot of us! What the hell should you do?

  Pay for it. I know, I know: that seems to contradict everything I've said to this point. It is. But there's a condition: Make a deal with her. If you don't pay for her ticket, you may send the signal that this isn't a date, or that you're stingy, or that you're straight up uninterested. Instead, offer to pay for her ticket if she pays for the popcorn. Or the Goobers. Whatever you both want. (Never the Muddy Bears...never!)

  

  Horrifying. The splashes over the "U" and under the "B" are such unnecessary flourishes, no?

  If you pull this off with enough smoothness and charm, you'll look like a gentleman (you're paying for her ticket) but you're not breaking the bank (she bought the snacks). It's a perfect example of...ahem...tit for tat. Just don't screw it up by pulling a Mickey Rourke. 

  The Dinner Date

  In some ways, the recession has never been better for dating and romance. While you can't really afford to take a lady to a romantic dinner, you can--and should--take this as an opportunity to suave your way into her heart. The best part of a dinner date is that you're in control of every aspect. You can set the shopping budget, the menu, the ambience, everything; if you've got a kitchen and basic motor skills, and you don't live at home with your parents, you're more than halfway to the perfect date. You've got every advantage to make this date unforgettable, so play every cheesy move (hardy har har!) you know!

  Like I said, if you can operate a car, you can cook a dinner. There's nothing easier than a fresh salad, a stir-fry, or pasta. As men, grilling is in our genetic code: a well-cooked steak or chicken breast doesn't need much to be delicious. Regardless of what you choose to make, the act of cooking for someone else triggers a kind of primal understanding between the two of you: you are acting as provider, breadwinner, alpha. Plus, if you've got even one solid recipe up your sleeve, you're golden. If not, there's the information superhighway! If you want to, you can use the same philosophy from the movie date by asking her to bring dessert. Don't be demanding about it, though: the key to this sweet date is keeping things from going sour (yuck yuck!).

  My advice? Keep it simple. Unless you're a gourmet chef, the risk of failure increases with every ingredient you add to your meal. Plus, the simpler the meal, the cheaper the price tag. What's important is the date itself, not the flavor of the lamb shanks. If you're gonna go nuts on something (I'm killing myself!), have it be the ambiance. A candlelit dinner or romantic picnic will have a better effect than a five-star meal in a halogen-lit kitchen. If you are a seasoned cook (it's just too easy!), avoid making something too difficult: it's hard to woo someone when you're sweating over the stove. Buy a cheap bottle of wine and a candle or two and BAM: romance.

  Some words of wisdom: avoid something with too much spice, garlic, or beans. You've got the chance to set an incredibly romantic mood after the meal: don't ruin it by making something that causes...indigestion. Also, find out what her allergies are. I doubt you have a hospital cot in mind when you say you want to "get this girl into bed."

  In Conclusion

  Those are just two ideas of recession-proof dates. They both require an investment on your part, but they avoid the awkward negotiations involved with "going Dutch."

  

  They'll be "goin' Dutch" later, if you know what I mean... 

  Even better, these options put you in charge of how much you're willing to spend. Like it or not, ladies, some of you tend to take advantage of chivalry when it isn't dead: ever order the most expensive thing on a menu when your date's footing the bill? I thought so.

  What about you? What's the best recession-proof date you've planned recently? And did it work ?

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