Thursday, 11 June 2009

• One Way to Become More than Just Friends: Fake Time Travel

  
  

  
  The deadly friend zone.  That horrible limbo where you're in love, or at least totally crushin', on one of your close female friends and you just can't think of a way to get over (or to) the hump.  Things like a boyfriend can also complicate this.  Yeah, friends are cool, but men and women are hard-wired to make babies.  And if this scenario weren't so common, Dave Matthews and many others wouldn't have written songs about it. Amazingly I've never actually been in the friends-limbo predicament (unless you count watching reruns of Friends and secretly enjoying them a little) but I know so many who have been.  I've even been asked advice about how to get around this issue, which is funny because a) I've never been in this situation as just explained and b) I know nothing about women.
  
  So my advice generally fell under the category of ignore her — she may find she really misses that great friendship you had and that there was something more there — or get her drunk enough to "accidentally" make out with you.  But while I might not have any sound advice to offer I know it when I see it, so check out this proposition.
  
  Thanks to a friend of mine, I stumbled upon this wonderful solution from the blog Batteries Feel Included.  It involves, tanning, time travel, and facial hair, and will take about a month to execute but that's okay because, with the current economy, you've probably got a little extra free time?  And what's a month for love? 
  
  

  So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
  
  What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
  
  Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
  
  Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
  
  Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
  
  Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
  
  Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
  
  Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
  
  Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your well being instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
  
  Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
  
  Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
  
  Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice. (More details here.)
  

  
  What do you think?  Will you give it a shot?  Got a better idea?
  

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