Tuesday, 09 June 2009
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Mutual Satisfaction
Steph wrote in again, this time with a question about mutual satisfaction.She described three separate senarios between her and her boyfriend. (We added names for the scenarios, to enhance your reading comprehension.)
My boyfriend & I love sex with one another. That's all fine & happy
Mutual horniness
There are plenty of times where we both want to have sex.
One way male horniness
There are other times where he's in the mood, & I'm not. If I'm not, I usually allow him to get me in the mood & eventually have sex with him even if I wasn't originally all that up for it, but if I'm really not in the mood for sex, I'll give him a bj or something to release his pent up horniness. This is all fine with me.
One way female horniness
The problem I've had over the course of our 8 month relationship, though, is that whenever I'm in the mood, & he isn't, we just don't end up having sex or even fooling around. Is it not okay for me to want him to meet my sexual needs, just as I would do for him? How could I go about approaching him about this? What do you guys think?
Mancouch has two thoughts on this - first the evil Machiavellian response, and then the thoughtful Modern man response:
- Evil Machiavellian response - Cut off all one-way relations until he's learned to reciprocate. Nothing will cause a change in behavior faster than a sexual boycott.
- Modern man response - Have you tried talking to him about this? If you're reluctant to bring it up, you can always wait til you're both crunked.
What do you think: should Steph cut him off, talk to him, or take matters into her own hands. Or do you have any other alternatives for Steph?
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About the Author
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- From: steph@datingish
- Name: steph
- About Me: I'm Steph, 19, going to college in North Carolina, although originally from Maryland. I love photography, classic rock, and my boyfriend. The purpose of this blog is to talk about all things regarding relationships, love, and sex.
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 5579 Comments: 0 83 View all posts by steph@datingish
Comments (30)
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talk to him first, then cut him off, then dump him if he doesn't listen after all that
I have the same issue with my hubby so I'm anxious to hear how other people suggest solving this. But taking matters into my own hands? No. The real issue, however much he may protest to the contrary - which he does - is that he leaves me feeling undesirable and constantly considering taboo territory as a means of compensation.
These are the exact same situations I get in with my SO. If he's horny and I'm not, I'll almost always "give him a hand" (sometimes literally!). But if it's reversed, then there's no chance for sex whatsoever. It is always so disappointing/depressing when I have to resort to masturbation all by myself ('cause he doesn't even like me in the same room with him when I masturbate and he's not in the mood). So I rarely even bother getting myself off if he's around and not willing to put out.
If, for some reason, I can't get sex for a long time (like if he's sick) and the urges don't go away on their own, I'll usually do some intense exercise. I've noticed running, yoga and similar kinds of strenuous workouts are often more satisfying than sex, but they're certainly no substitute in the long haul.
I think he definitely should be reciprocating what you do for him--both parties should, when the other one is in the mood, consider going for it anyway.
Don't cut him off, because then you're just doing what he does. And that introduces an element of selfishness into the sex life, because each of you are going into sex wanting yourselves to be satisfied. A really good sex life is one in which both parties are focused, not on their own satisfaction, but on the satisfaction of the other--but sadly this ideal situation is becoming rare.
Try talking to him. Hopefully that's all that's needed. Communication is a crucial thing, and if he's unwilling to compromise with you on this, there's a deeper problem than just your sex life.
Take matters into her own hands--in front of him. Then he'll be in the mood too.
If it bother you that much Step, then I think you should point it out. At least in a light, jokingly manner. If my girlfriend told me that she was horny, that would automatically get me and probably any other guy in the world in the mood..
so let him know how you 'feel'!
Toys! Don't be surprised if he's in the mood shortly thereafter.
Same problem here...I NEVER get it when I want it and he doesn't...but if its him who wants it, we need to stop everything we're doing and of course, I stupidly give him his way. I have tried to cut him off, but that never works..he is just fine in pleasuring himself where as for me personally, thats all fine and good but nothing satisfies the urge as much as actually having sex...which in our case, when both in the mood and willing to cooperate...WOW. But I've been trying to figure this out for the past 3 years so when you find the answer...please let me know :)
Wow. I have never dated a girl who wants it when I dont. I wonder if that says something about me or them. Hmm.
Back on topic: I would talk to him about it. I cant imagine any man not wanting to have a discussion about sex/sexuality. Chances are it will end in the bedroom.
And @yakko1@xanga seems to be on the right track.
@TransportPhenomena@xanga - Same. I'm always in the mood...
Talking to him would be the best way to go about it, IMO (if it were me).
An idea from someone with no experience whatsoever on the subject... Why not ummmm.... "self satisfy".... right there in front of him?
haha, this happens with my bf & i.
i don't think it's that much of a deal though.
i usually end up getting what i want.. evenutally.
got to man-handle them sometimes.
;).
@jolee121910@xanga - I'm definitely at least going to talk to him. If that doesn't work, I'll take matters into my own hands ... right in front of him ;]
@NSFWChristian@xanga - I'm pretty sure that when I talk to him, we'll figure out a way to compromise. He's very good at hearing what I say & doing what it takes to change. If not, I'll just play with myself in front of him. Should work, according to some of the responses on here.
@thehighbreed@xanga - Wel, the thing is, if I try to make any type of move, he'll reject me immediately if he isn't in the mood.
@TransportPhenomena@xanga & @tastytimmm@xanga - Haha, well, I feel like I have a higher sex drive than most girls I know. I'm up for sex almost all the time when I'm with my boyfriend.
@MOOOOOOF@xanga - Haha, belieeeve me, I've tried! He'll just flat out be like, I'm not really in the mood.
@Ampbreia@xanga, @methodElevated@xanga & @TheLovelyBonesXo@xanga - Glad to hear I'm not the only one suffering from this! :P I think the way I'm going to deal with this next time is just handle things myself right in front of him ;)
@yakko1@xanga, @echois23@xanga & @yourblondeness@xanga- I'm seriously going to do this the next time this problem arises. Thanks for responding!
@steph@datingish - Then especially, dont take crap from him then. That quality is highly prized among males.
-Andrew@echois23@xanga - My ex never really cared for that. The first time (this was before we both had sex for the first time) I masturbated in front of him, he got bored after about five minutes and then told me to tell him when I was about to orgasm because he likes seeing that.
@nexthorizon@xanga - LOL... I just know that several men have begged to be allowed to "just watch"...... hee hee never really tried it with an audience though....
masturbate infront of him one time when he's not in the mood. really get into it.There's your remedy. I cant imagine any situation where a guy wouldnt get hard from that UNLESS he had just popped off a few knuckle children before you approached him for sex. Been there... sometimes after a romp with yourself it takes a min to re-energize. Because when with yourself you know what you like and youre quick and slightly more violent about giving it to yourself.
I have NO problem going down on my girl if im not in the mood to fuck... but in most cases girls cant appreciate FACE TIME and just FACE TIME alone, they always try to pull you up ontop of them and get the dick... and if youre still not feeling it they accuse you of cheating or make jokes about you being gay or not man enough.
So before we talk about double standards, lets talk about double edged swords and gender role reversal.
@jolee121910@xanga - yeaaahh.. cutting him off from sex won't cause ANY problems.(/sarcasm) Thats a lose lose situation.
when is a guy not in the mood?
Just don't be in a relationship, and then the only times you will see each other is when you want to see each other.
I like men to serve me. I am the getter in relationships :]
When I want it you give it and I want it now!I have this problem too...except when I'm in the mood and he's not he goes along with it anyway so as to not hurt my feelings and its kind of half-hearted...which almost hurts just as much as a flat-out I'm not in the mood. Definitely with holding sex will NOT help, that just creates resentment. I've talked to him about it and we agree that we should just tell each other when we're not in the mood, and try not to let it hurt our feelings. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood.
We have sex so infrequently anyways that sometimes its the element of convenience that makes us think "we might as well, while were here" when really neither of us really feel like it. Anyway I would just say talk about it and tell him how you feel. I don't think I would ever masturbate in front of a guy in fear that it would turn him off (I started to once with my ex and he told me to stop??) but you could try that to get him in the mood, as other people have said.
mutual>? lmao...
I don't have this problem haha. I would have to say next time he is horny and you're not just don't do anything for him. Tell him you don't want to do anything for him if he doesn't ever do anything for you.
Pull a naked man.
Just be nude when you're in the mood and two out of three times you'll get laid.
I'm sure teasing yourself in front of him will spark interest regardless of if he's in the mood at that moment.